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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More Child Maintenance???

30 replies

Dizzytaff · 29/06/2015 18:45

Hi, I’m looking for some advice.

My partner has been paying child maintenace (through their own private arrangement- not CSA) to his ex partner for the past 4 years. They have exact shared custody for their 9 year old son.

His ex claims the child benefit for their son. She works fulltime and lives with her partner who also works fulltime.
My partner & I both work full time and we live together with my 15 year old son. We are also expecting our first baby together which is due in December.

My partners ex is now demanding more money because in her words, she has to go without so she can give to her son. Not forgetting that she goes on holiday every year, she's out nearly every week and is always in new clothes. Before my partner met me, he had to live on £10 per week for food so this mostly went on his son. He never had his heating on, he never goes on holiday and we must go out about once every 3 months.

Is it true that under the new Child Maintenance Service guidlines (not CSA) he would no longer have to pay any child maintenance due to the fact he has exact shared care of his son?

He doesn't begrudge paying for his son but I think she's got a cheek to ask for more money!

I guess I'm just curious to know if there's anyone out there in a similar situation to us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 29/06/2015 18:47

If he has him half the time then there's no reason to pay at all - but he must provide clothes/party gifts/extra curricular - all the usual stuff

ilovesooty · 29/06/2015 18:47

You presumably knew when you got together and planned a child that he had obligations to an existing child?

EducationalWelfareMakeMeCry · 29/06/2015 18:49

How cruel of your oh to not tell you and plan to bring another child into his messy life choices.

AddictedtoGreys · 29/06/2015 18:49

I don't think he has to pay anything if he has exactly the same time with his DS as his ex. the NRP usually contributed to the care of the child with the RP. but in this case they are both RP really.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 29/06/2015 18:50

CMS guidelines say that you get a discount for every night spent at the non resident parents house. Does what he is currently paying amount to this?

RedXan · 29/06/2015 18:51

Well what she does or doesn't do or how much money she has is not relevant. That has zero bearing on how much your DP should be paying in support of their child.
However, if they have 50/50 care of him, then why is he paying anything at all? Costs should be 50/50 too so he doesn't need to give anything as long as he isn't expecting her to buy all uniforms/clothes etc.

ChocolateBreakfastBalls · 29/06/2015 18:51

Ffs, no YANBU. Just because he already has a child doesn't mean you have to sacrifice you're entire life. Some people are dicks.

He has shared care, 50/50 yes? In that case, no maintenance. Unless she wants to pay him too, when DSS is with you?

WayneRooneysHair · 29/06/2015 18:52

OP you sound familiar, is your OH self employed?

soundedbetterinmyhead · 29/06/2015 18:53

Out of curiosity - what does exact shared custody look like for your family OP? Do both live close to the child's school / friends etc? I've not heard of this arrangement in real life before.

DoTheDuckFace · 29/06/2015 18:53

There is a calculator on the child maintenance website which accounts for how many nights per week and other resident children.

If both parents share care I don't see why any maintenance should have to change hands.

MisForMumNotMaid · 29/06/2015 18:57

I would suggest they look at mediation to come to a new arrangement that is best all round.

If they have a civil reltionship that has a lot of value. If your partner agreed an amount of maintenance for his son and an amount of access then he came to that decission with his DS's mum and if it is to change it should be through discussion - in writing/ in person/ through mediation. The law and moral stance on this don't meet in the middle.

What are the risks associated with upsetting the applecart and stopping payments i.e. Loss of contact and a bitter vendetter ending in a court battle that could cost more than the current maintenance and not a penny would benefit any of you.

If there is a line of communication open then maybe your partner could start with a simple no its not possible to increase but we van sit down and go over all the arrangements if necessary.

BerryMood · 29/06/2015 18:58

If they have 50/50 shared care he shouldn't be paying maintenance. She should be paying him half of the CB.

SoWhoKnew · 29/06/2015 19:00

He doesnt have to pay anything but he should be splitting the cost of uniforms, trips, childcare etc if care is split 50/50.

whothehellknows · 29/06/2015 19:02

I'm just pleased to hear there's a guy out there who actually pays maintenence...

SpendSpendSpend · 29/06/2015 19:06

It used to be where child maintenance was still payable for 50 50 care if one parent earned more than the other.

If you was to go through the cms you would get a reduced rate because your son lives with you and when the new baby arrives you will get a further reduction.

If you dont mind me asking does your dp and his ex earn similar amounts?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/06/2015 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleshorty · 29/06/2015 19:37

God some people are knob ends.
If it's truly 50 50 he shouldn't be paying maintenance. He should keep it as is or go through cms with adjustments for your kids and overnights see how much she gets then.
What she wears or spends on is irrelevant and is probably what's got some people's backs up.

Numtum · 29/06/2015 19:44

I tend to find that even in 50/50 arrangement one parent tends to pick up more costs than the other.

If maintenance stopped would all the costs be split down the middle? How that would even be manageable I'm not sure?

Original poster
Dizzytaff · 29/06/2015 20:28

Thank you for all of your advice. You've been a big help.
What she wears and how often she goes out is irrelevant and I didn't need to add that bit in. It was just the fact that she says she goes without but in my eyes, she doesn't have a clue what that's actually like!
His son stays here Mon night, Tues night, Friday night and every other Saturday night so it is 50/50 shared custody. The school is closer to us and his ex lives about 10 miles away.
My OH buts clothes, pays towards school trips, cubs & rugby. He pays half of everything he should.
I'm not sure what her salary is.

We were told that if we go via the CSA or CMS they would make him pay so I just wanted to see what our rights were.

OP posts:
Hotpotpie · 29/06/2015 20:40

We have a similar informal informal arrangement, exactly the same contact days. Additionally oh pays for all school uniforms/ shoes, all trips from school and contributes to other stuff as it arises. Ex is happy as she knows that she benefits as we often have sd extra Saturdays so she can go out. Her thankfully now ex pushed her to the csa claiming that we owed thousands.... And she actually ended up owing us when she checked her entitlement. Funny enough the csa has never been pursued or mentioned again! there is a calculator on the site might be worth you having a look

vaticancameos · 29/06/2015 20:44

That doesn't sound like 50/50 to me. Sounds like she gets him more.

FunkyPeacock · 29/06/2015 20:49

If custody is exactly 50:50 and costs of clothing, school trips, extracurricular activities etc are also split 50:50 then I can't understand why he is paying child maintenance at all?

Narnia72 · 29/06/2015 21:02

3 nights every week each, and shared Saturdays. It's exactly 50-50.

I would check the calculator too. What does your ex think about it all?

fedupbutfine · 29/06/2015 21:32

God some people are knob ends. If it's truly 50 50 he shouldn't be paying maintenance

Yes, total knob ends. I mean, in all relationships, the cost of bringing up children is always and unequivocably split 50/50. And that includes in cases where one partner has given up work to look after children and put their career on hold as a result whilst the other half of the couple pursues a lucrative career. It is absolutely always the right thing to do to split the cost of bringing up children down the middle. Fairs fair, isn't it?

OP - you are unreasonable without giving details of length of relationships, respective incomes, whether either party was disadvantaged (even for a short time) in the work place as a result of having the child. You should also, of course, provide details of her partner's income and your income since you consider it important to include the fact that both parties have new, working partners. You should be prepared to match, £ for £ any contribution the ex's new partner may give (in real terms) towards the upbringing of another man's child (did she lose tax credits when he moved in with her, for example?).

I have 'shared care'. In my case, it meant I paid for everything - school uniform, shoes, clothes (for wearing in both houses), haircuts, trainers, school trips, toys etc - whilst my only 'let up' was in relation to food as they ate at my ex's half the time. My ex earnt 4 x my salary (if not more - he's self employed, hard to tell) and paid no maintenance whatsoever. I also paid (and continue to pay) full childcare for 3 children because my ex chops and changes arrangements to suit him and I can't risk losing childcare places when I am the only one supporting the children. Shared care? It's a fucking joke, in my experience. Totally unenforceable and ultimately, the children will know just who contributed towards their upbringing and who didn't.

fedupbutfine · 29/06/2015 21:33

sorry, should say I had 'shared care'. This is no longer the case. For lots of reasons. I am still paying for everything.

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