wwyd re: DSD being nasty to DD?

[AlmondAmy]

DSD is 9 and struggles to maintain friendships. She has quit 5 activities she enjoys this year because she's fallen out with someone. She makes my (otherwise tough 8 yo) DD cry every time she comes. This time she called her fat, stupid, an idiot, told her she hated her, that she is never to touch her or her things and that she wished she never had to see her again.

75% of the time they are the best of friends but when DSD is nasty, she's really nasty. DD was so upset but I know by next time she'll have forgiven her. However, I feel like DSDs nastiness needs addressing. DD shares her toys, asks to save activities for when DSD is there do she can do them too etc yet gets nastiness in return.

DP just tells DD not to tell tales and to play nicely but I think it's gone on long enough and needs dealing with. Wwyd?

You need to tell your DP that this can't continue and that either he deals with it properly or you will. It's better that he sorts it out by talking to his DD.

A good starting point would be for DSD to spend a day alone with her father (even if she says she prefers to see your DD) and given a chance to talk about anything that is bothering her. If she comes to the house every weekend I suggest that DP sees her on his own at least once a month.

You both need to tell her that being nasty is not acceptable and that her unkind comments have to stop. Could you do some sort of reward chart for good behaviour rather than concentrating on punishing bad behaviour?

Your DSD is bullying your DD. Most bullies are deeply insecure, however confident they may appear and you need to explain this to your DP (which he won't want to hear but he needs to be told). If your DSD doesn't get the right parental support she will end up completely friendless and with broken relationships in the future. It may also affect her school results too. Is DSD's mother controlling?

bettysviolin - what a fab post, measured, sensible!

Excellent advice rumble

Op your dp needs to pull up his big boys pants and start parenting his child.

It's difficult to support DD to sort it out with DSD. An example of an exchange I heard/saw this weekend:

DD and DSD got the same happy meal toy. They both fell on the floor, DD picked them up and passed one to DSD.

DSD: that's not my one, you stupid idiot. Give me the other one, now!
DD: they're both the exact same toy DSD.
DSD: give me that toy now or I will throw this one in the bin, come and get that one and you'll have none and we'll all laugh at you for having no toy for being an idiot.
DD: you're being very rude, I'm going to go and play somewhere else now.

(Cue DSD following DD and trying to snatch the toy while continuing to shout at her)

Your DP need to deal with the behaviour when it happens. "Go and play nicely" clearly doesn't work. I'm not a massive fan of telling tales, but if you overheard this exchange then you or your DP should have stepped in. If they were biological siblings you wouldn't allow this, so I'm not sure why you / DP let it go. You DD dealt with it appropriately and you need to make sure that DSD understands that if DD doesn't want to play with her then she doesn't have to.

If your DSD is feeling insecure about her place in your family, it will only be compounded by being allowed to get away with unpleasant behaviour. She needs to have the same expectations and boundaries she would have if she lived with you full time.

This isn't about being winners or losers. It's about giving a child security and feelings of self-worth. She will be well aware that she's being unpleasant and she won't understand why she's allowed to get away with it. She will also probably keep pushing, simply to find out where the boundaries are.

You and your DP need to spend some time agreeing on some boundaries and expectations for both girls and work out how you will manage them for both girls equally. Your DSD will probably react badly at first, pushing to see if she can overstep the mark and get away with it, but, in the longer term, she will be happier and more secure and your DD will feel better too.

Letting children get away with things just because they are special in some way never ends well. They twig what's going on and it feels wrong. Children need adults to have high expectations of their behaviour and meeting those expectations makes the feel good about themselves.

I've always believed that SC get the raw end of the deal, she's 9, she's finding ways to vent her frustration/feelings BUT she needs to be taught a different way to cope.

She needs reassurance that her dad loves her, that she hasn't been "replaced" and most of all, she needs to feel as though she's part of a family. The way she talks to your DD is not acceptable, although there are probably reasons for her behaviour, there are no excuses. Just because she's had a hard time doesn't mean that she should escape discipline when she does wrong. It will do her no good in the long run! Stick to your guns and tell your DP to step up to the plate.

You're in a difficult position, step parenting can be very emotionally draining but you have to do what's right by her and letting her get away with this behaviour is setting her up for difficulties later in life. It's called cruel to be kind.

Regardless of your. DH, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place in your house for both children. There needs to be 'house rules' that everyone abides by. Praise and reward when they do and consequences when they don't.

You agree these as a family and stick to them. There is no reason why this needs to be left to your DH to parent his child. Sit down as a family and agree and communicate and be consistent.

If your DSD behaves badly and is nasty when your DH isn't around, then you need to step up and deal with it.

I would strongly recommend getting your DSD some talking therapy/play therapy- she clearly has issues with relationships and feels very insecure- hence the lashing out. It doesn't sound like this is behaviour unique to your DD.

I always feel desperately sad for all children in these situations. If I read your post correctly dsd was three and your dd was two when you and your dp moved in together. That must have felt quite odd to her that a child similar in age to her was suddenly living with her daddy.
I definitely think it is worth your dp spending lots of quality time with her talking through the situation and reassuring her. I think we underestimate what a deep effect split family situations can have on young children.
Best of luck to you op to solve this for the best of both children.

Honestly sometimes I am glad exdp just fucked off and left me and dd to it

You're right in that your DP needs to be more pro- active in disciplining his DD when she's being a moobag, and not just expect your DD to suck it up.

I wouldn't necessarily get too hung up the step-sibling thing tho. That Happy Meal toy situation you posted sounds like the average day out for many biological families. My oldest two (8&10) can be absolutely vile to each other.

I have posted on the thread JakieOH has mentioned and I stand by what I said on there.

However, in this instance it sounds just like the way some siblings would behave and I think it needs disciplining in the same way. Which means to say, not tolerating such nastiness.

And your DP needs to step up and be involved in the disciplining too.

Dad sounds like a bit of a twat, if he's telling the girl who is being insulted to go back and play nicely. So, there are clearly two problems in the house, the dad and the step daughter. Mind you, you can't change people. If this was happening to my daughter, I'd tell dad and his daughter to go for an outing and lose the nastiness and come back when they felt nice again. On the whole, though, I think, OP, you've got to find ways of carrying your burden. They're unlikely to get personality transplants.

What was it you posted nanny? Was it you that thought 1st children's needs should be most important because they are the original child

No. I felt that the DSD had a home with her father as well as her mother (or should have) and shouldn't just be treated as a 'visitor'.

But yes, I do think 'first children' should be thought about before people go off and start a second family.

Why wouldn't you?