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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL (I know, sorry) or me, who is BU?

45 replies

Donthackmenow · 28/06/2015 20:03

The inlaws were leaving this afternoon and asked that I bring swimming kit for the children next weekend when we visit for FIL's birthday. I said if I remember then I will put it in (dh is away so it will just be me having to remember). The children are having a sleepover and I am going to stay at my parents. They then told me that their other grandchild will be there without parents (that is a dysfunctional story for another day) so 2 70 year olds want to take a 6 yr old, 5 yr old and 2 yr old swimming (none of whom can actually swim properly yet) on their own. I said I wasn't comfortable with this so wouldn't be able to bring their swimming clothes. They got a bit huffy with me so I said I would check with dh and see what he thought. MIL's parting shot was 'there will be a lifeguard you know'.
Anyway, I checked with dh and he said he doesn't think there is a lifeguard at this pool (it is in a hotel complex). So I rang to check and he is right - no lifeguard. So she lied to me about something so important! I feel that she cares more about getting what she wants than about the children's safety and I am fuming!!! But AIBU? There is history, I find them very controlling and emotionally manipulative so am not sure if I am potentially making a mountain out of a molehill? I just don't know if I can trust them.

OP posts:

threenotfour · 28/06/2015 20:46

That sounds like a handful and I would not be happy either.

Warning: if this was my MILs she would have gone and bought them all a swimming costume and towel so that she could still take them if I delibrately didn't bring the swimming stuff. If you have told them you won't bring the costumes, etc they could do the same if they are as stubborn as mine. You might need to make it clear that you as the parent have said no.

Original poster

Donthackmenow · 28/06/2015 20:52

Threenotfour if I had a sil I would think we were related!

OP posts:

reni1 · 28/06/2015 20:56

I would not have a problem with the swim, sounds fun. You are the parent, you say no so no it is, that cannot be overturned.

You do seem to look for faults with your PILs though? They sound loving (maybe a bit keen) gps, which is lovely. Are you very sure it is not you who is a bit jealous of their bond with the dcs?

redshoeblueshoe · 28/06/2015 20:59

I thought you were BU - until I read all your posts, they sound awful. I do think 2 adults who are good swimmers would be fine, but clearly there are other issues. I wouldn't be happy with them staying with them either.

Original poster

Donthackmenow · 28/06/2015 21:06

I don't have to look very far reni! I'm not jealous of the bond they r creating with the children. I am annoyed that because of dh work patterns it is down to me to maintain the bond. I will have spent the last 3 weekends in a row in their company, dh will have spent half of one of those weekends with them. They wanted to come again the following weekend and I said no because I have plans (dh is still away on work) and they got upset with me!!!!

OP posts:

redshoeblueshoe · 28/06/2015 21:12

You should ask DH to speak to them - they want 4 weekends in a row bloody hell. Maybe only agree to see them if its you and DH

redshoeblueshoe · 28/06/2015 21:13

sorry - I didn't mean without the dc's, just you shouldn't have to see them if he doesn't

maddening · 28/06/2015 21:20

he pool won't let them in - under 8 is a 1:1 ratio requirement I think - definitely the little ones.

maddening · 28/06/2015 21:27

Oh sorry - hotel pool - just go with them.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/06/2015 21:42

Seriously? Yabu. This isn't about you. It's about your children.

Their grandparents want to spend time with them carrying out a fun activity and you aren't happy?

If a lifeguard is not present then it's law that someone on the premises must be on call to help in an emergency and trained in cpr.

Try to appreciate the benefits of this relationship for your children. Close relationships build resilience, boost esteem and increase confidence.

GreenAugustLion · 28/06/2015 22:00

Quite likely, that's not a serious comment surely?

The op has concerns about two elderly people taking her very young children swimming and you think she should just suck it up?

There will be a trained person there who can do CPR - are you fucking serious? Is that supposed to reassure the op? If a child drowns 'badly enough' to need CPR then there's no guarantee they will be brought back.

Op, yanbu. Not at all.

FunkyPeacock · 28/06/2015 22:08

Assuming they are confident swimmers & normally behave responsibly with their DGC then I think YABU. 2 adults with 3 children is a reasonable ratio assuming the non swimmers have arm bands.

if they are feckless and irresponsible then I wouldn't be happy with them looking after my DC whether or not swimming was involved

OhBigHairyBollocks · 28/06/2015 22:09

How are any of you taking more than one child swimming under the age
of 8??? It's one to one ratio at every pool I've ever been to round here

OhBigHairyBollocks · 28/06/2015 22:14

But yanbu OP.

oddfodd · 28/06/2015 22:15

It's normally 1:2. Otherwise most single parents wouldn't be able to go swimming. And 1:1 is ludicrous given that 8 year olds can swim unsupervised in every pool I've ever swum in (except, ironically, hotel pools). Are you sure that's right BigHairy?

CrapBag · 28/06/2015 22:17

YANBU.

They sound awful. If it makes you uneasy, trust your instinct. I wouldn't let them have them for the 3 nights either if you think they will take them to see someone who isn't allowed contact with his own child (are we allowed to know why? It must be bad).

Tough shit if they get upset r think it's not 'fair'. If they behaved like normal rational human beings then there wouldn't be an issue, however they don't.

And it is quite clear your MIL lied. If she has been swimming there for 20 years then she knows perfectly well there is no lifeguard. The lie alone would be enough for me to put my foot down.

GreenAugustLion · 28/06/2015 22:17

My local pool is 1:1 under 4, 1:2 4-7 and 8+ can swim alone.

When ds2 was under 4 though I used to take them to a special session where they put extra lifeguards on and the ratios didn't apply.

Denimwithdenim00 · 28/06/2015 22:22

The trouble is of you use them for childcare like the 3 days in a row! And what's that about? You can't really control what they do with the children.

You either trust them to keep your children safe or you dont. Obviously you don't so why are they staying with them at all.

What's wrong with a few hours visit at yours or theirs every 2 weeks or so.

Never get this eagerness to spend the night with grandchildren.

Ludways · 28/06/2015 22:22

My parents are fit and healthy 70+, they'd be fine with two non-swimmers each, along with armbands or those floaty life jackets. However, if you don't want them to go, then that's up to you, you have the right to say no.

LiegeAndLief · 28/06/2015 22:28

The pools round here are 1:2 under 8s. I have taken my two on my own loads, from the youngest being a baby, and not had a problem. I'm a fairly strong swimmer but that's never been terribly relevant as with two small dc you don't tend to do much actual swimming!

Re the swimming, I would say if they're fit and healthy you're worrying over nothing - however, there's clearly more to this than swimming.

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