Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be angry at MIL?

25 replies

holidaysareoverated · 27/06/2015 23:09

I've been ill this week and trying to look after an ill toddler at the same time. The other night DH decided to drink all afternoon during a work "meeting" and so came home drunk. I'd spoken to him and told him I needed him home to take DS as I was struggling with being so unwell myself. Instead he sat drinking and came home 2 hours later than normal. He was so drunk he fell asleep on the sofa without even coming upstairs to see if we were ok.

I was, understandably I think, furious at him and feel that he let me down massively. It's not the first time either. I told MIL what had happened as she was texting me at the time and I was really upset. To me she sympathised and said how sorry she was. Today I saw she had text DH to tell him that she had heard he was in the dog house and to remember pregnant women can be irrational!!!

I am livid at her! She has basically reassured him that he was ok to do what he did and made him feel that I'm in the wrong to be upset and angry. She knows we have had issues like this previously. To my face she has sympathised and talked about how awful she found it when her ex husband would go off drinking and leave her not knowing when he'd come back. Now I wonder what she has been telling DH.

AIBU to think she's been two faced and to want to tell her that I'm not interested in communicating with her in future?

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 27/06/2015 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keeptothewhiteline · 27/06/2015 23:18

Your MIL is your OHs mother.
Possibly not the best person to sound off to about her son.

Next time phone a friend.

Original poster

holidaysareoverated · 27/06/2015 23:22

I didn't sound off I stated the facts of what had happened. She was texting asking how we were and saying she was going to call and speak to DH. I stopped short of telling her what a I thought he was.

OP posts:

Fatmomma99 · 27/06/2015 23:24

I think you're angry with the wrong person, TBH, but sorry you're not well and hope you're feeling better soon.

PtolemysNeedle · 27/06/2015 23:25

It sounds like you want her to take sides, but she might want to be equally supportive of both of you. It's not her place to take a stance against one of you, so what's she supposed to do? Just not talk to her son?

You are misdirecting your anger at your mil when it should be aimed at your husband. Or maybe just be less angry all together, your DH hardly committed the crime of the century. He deserves a bollocking, but you sound disproportionately angry.

PiperChapstick · 27/06/2015 23:27

YANBU. Him being her son doesn't mean she can't think it's disgraceful when he is being a shithead. It's awful when you trust someone and they break that trust. Have these

After that text it doesn't surprise me he is the way he is, does she condone all of his bad actions and put it down to sexist nonsensical reasons?

Original poster

holidaysareoverated · 27/06/2015 23:28

I'm angry with DH too.

I'm just angry at her as well because by telling him that he has now got the idea that it's just me being pregnant and "irrational".
I regret having told her at all but she caught me at the wrong moment and I'm frankly fed up of covering up his drinking from her.

I'm just going to tell her to only speak to her son from now on and not to text me.

OP posts:

PiperChapstick · 27/06/2015 23:28

PS you'll probably get flamed for daring to have a trusting relationship with your MIL, lots of "but it is her son". I hope when I'm older I'm not so blind to my children's faults!

YouTheCat · 27/06/2015 23:28

With one breath my exmil would be telling me what a shit my exh was, going out drinking. Then in the next it'd be, 'oh but he deserves a drink because he works so hard' worked no harder than anyone else, 9-5 job and 20 minute commute .

Don't confide in your mil. She's put up with similar behaviour and thinks everyone else should.

Your 'd'h is a shit.

Original poster

holidaysareoverated · 27/06/2015 23:32

I am angry because as I said in my OP it's not that this is a one off. He has let me down repeatedly. Doing so when he knows I'm pregnant, very unwell and had a sick toddler to look after just was the straw that broke the camels back.

Yes she is sexist. She also said something along the lines of it ( his drinking and shirking his responsibilities) was just the downside of living in a nice house and having nice things. As though I don't work and live off him. I earn well myself, and even if I didn't is that an excuse for him to be able to go out drinking like a single man whenever he fancies?

OP posts:

PiperChapstick · 27/06/2015 23:36

OP I think your problems go beyond your MIL, you can't stand for being treated this way he is walking all over you and even worse his mother is making out that it's all fun and games which will only fuel his ego and justify his bad behaviour. He sounds like he shows you no respect,
You do not need this with a toddler and a baby on the way x

PiperChapstick · 27/06/2015 23:40

OP it sounds like your too elms go beyond your MIL. Your husband is disrespectful and cruel and he no doubts justifies his actions by the words of his pandering mother. You don't need this with a toddler and newborn in the way. Do something about it before you regret putting up with it x

PiperChapstick · 27/06/2015 23:41

Oops double posted!

Original poster

holidaysareoverated · 27/06/2015 23:42

I know that. I'm trying to communicate to him that for me this has signalled the end of the relationship. His attitude is obviously that of someone expecting me to get over it once my hormones calm down. I think because of the things she has said to him.
She has told me so much about her ex husband and I've told her previously how it worries me how like DH it sounds. This is the first time I've told her of a specific event. She could have just chosen to stay out of it, she could have had a word with him but instead she chose to basically reassure him that it's part and parcel of us having a nice house and that I'm irrational.

OP posts:

griselda101 · 27/06/2015 23:50

yep, issue here should be with your husband

there are communications about all of us that are not meant for our eyes / ears, and she sent it to her own son, most likely not thinking you would be reading it. So although her opinion is out of order, it wasn't intended for you to read it, so I think you need to let it go.

imagine if we all read every text or email or heard every conversation others had about us - we'd all be so pissed off we wouldn't speak to anyone. I think you need to let it pass, or if you're that pissed about it bring it up with her and be direct (and calm!) when you do.

the real issue you need to address is with your DH, as it's clearly unacceptable behaviour. I guess this is slightly harder when he has someone like his mum "letting him off the hook" behind your back but bear in mind the communication wasn't meant for you to see and find a way of getting it through to him that he was an arse.

Tessbrookes · 28/06/2015 00:38

Hmm, tricky one. Can see both sides as the mum to two sons. Why are you sounding off to your MIL, when she's going to want to be part of both sides?!

this as well.

karbonfootprint · 28/06/2015 01:05

YABU - in what way would it help you if her relationship with her son is damaged. Sounds to me that she was treading a fine line between the two of you, and may well have simply been trying to moderate his behaviour diplomatically.

Topseyt · 28/06/2015 01:54

Parents can be surprisingly blind to the faults of their adult offspring.

My BIL is an alcoholic with abusive and sometimes violent tendencies. My MIL though, very rarely acknowledged this at all, preferring to act as if nothing was amiss and the sun was shining out of BIL's arse.

Your DH is the problem here, but I think you have learned not to confide in his mother though.

Topseyt · 28/06/2015 02:03

Your DH is the problem, but you do place your MIL in a difficult position by confiding in her about his faults.

My BIL was an abusive alcoholic, but my MIL usually refused to see the blatantly obvious, choosing to think that the sun shone out of his arse. She was in denial about it and always minimised anything he did.

A close friend may be a better and more objective confidant.

thegreylady · 28/06/2015 08:16

I don't think it's a relationship breaker she's just trying to keep everyone sweet and failing as we so often do. Even when you disapprove of something your adult offspring does you tend to avoid saying much for the sake of peace. Her mistake was agreeing with you and trying to keep you happy. I bet she does feel you are right really but doesn't want to risk a fall out with her son. Let it go.

rumbleinthrjungle · 28/06/2015 08:18

Depending on the ages involved MiL may also still be holding onto the belief that men do this kind of thing, can't be expected not to, and wives put up and shut up like she did and her mother before her. My DM has this engraved on her and still hasn't really shifted that way of thinking. Based on the time that line of thinking came from, it was very difficult for a woman to leave and be financially independent/ work while raising kids. Not that it's that easy now, but if that's the case she has probably raised your dp in that belief too, and she and her son both need the memo that the fifties is over and he needs to act fast and start taking you very seriously to have any chance of repairing his relationship with you. Or ever keeping a relationship with any other woman.

NRomanoff · 28/06/2015 08:23

Personally I think you should never have involved mil. She may think he was a twat but he is also her son and she is probably trying to make light of it and sweep it under the carpet.

I wouldn't be impressed if my daughters boyfriend did this. You put her in the middle and she doesn't want to fall out with anyone.

Horsemad · 28/06/2015 08:24

As a mum to two sons, I'd be furious with them if they had done this. But then, I've never been blind to my children's faults, unlike lots of parents.

ForFlipSakes · 28/06/2015 08:41

YANBU. not in the slightest.

Gemauve · 28/06/2015 10:20

Today I saw she had text DH to tell him

Stop reading your husband's texts, then.

Flip