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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To demand that this woman is cut out of our lives now

17 replies

zeezeek · 27/06/2015 22:04

For those keeping up with this saga....my DH's DGS's christening last weekend went smoothly. Too smoothly it seems because today I discovered that the wonderful ExP only went and told all of my family, our friends, his other children and basically everyone at the christening that she was sleeping with my DH (then DP) whilst I was having chemo about 26 years ago...this would have been 26 years ago and when her DD was a tiny baby. She also claimed that she fell pregnant during this fling, but my DH made her have an abortion. Apparently she agreed because she pitied me because I was very likely to be left infertile as a consequence of the chemo (as it was I ended up having 2 DD several years later - don't know how but it happened). Anyway, so everyone I know, my DH knows, my DSD knows have all been told that my DH was shagging his ex when we were supposed to be starting our relationship and when I was in a vulnerable position.

However, I also know that it is complete lies because, at that time, my DH was in Sweden with his dying mother.

I'm sick of his woman and her lies and her manipulation. I'm sick even more of my DH passing her off as an annoyance and not taking her seriously.

AIBU to say that I want this woman nowhere near me or my family? Her own DD has practically cut her off for other reasons - though she did briefly believe her mother when she said about the affair because she was only a few months old at the time. I just want a life that doesn't involve this woman and yea, my DSD understands.

Sorry. Only place I can vent about this.

OP posts:

DixieNormas · 27/06/2015 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chairmeoh · 27/06/2015 22:16

I haven't read your previous threads.mif I understand correctly, this woman is your DH's first wife/partner and mother to one of his children?

If that is the case, then surely you only need to see her at major family events concerning that one child? Would it really be unbearable to just be in the same place as her on those rare occasions?

I understand that she is bad mouthing you, and I realise that you want to minimise the number of people she is able to spread these lies to. But I don't think you can demand she is cut off from other people's lives.

By all means, cut her out of your life and your DH's. But like it or not she is a part of your DH's history and they will always have a link.

Of course I may have misunderstood the dynamics entirely, in which case I apologise.

CrystalHaze · 27/06/2015 22:21

Is this the situation where your stepdaughter wanted the christening at a venue connected to your family and didn't want her mother there?

Original poster

zeezeek · 27/06/2015 23:27

Yep, that's the one. I have no wish to interfere with her and her DD's relationship - I just don't want her anywhere near me or my DH or DDs. Actually I don't want her anywhere near my DSD either as she continually upsets her and makes her feel like crap. It just makes me angry that she has lied about this and it is obvious that she has done it to get at me, at a venue associated with my family, at a time when I was made god-mother to her grand-child.

It's not even the fact that it is obvious to almost everyone who knows DH and I that she lied - our friends and family know when his mother died and know it was when i was undergoing chemo because it was a big issue for him at the time - stay with me or go to Sweden and I don't resent the choice he made as I was fine.

My DSD told me about what her mother was saying yesterday - I was naively thinking that it was all ok. Stupid fool. And still, DH dismisses her as harmless...but he's not the one bearing the brunt of her rage - or whatever you may call it, because she still loves him and doesn't want to piss him off. Me, I'm fair game.

OP posts:

Original poster

zeezeek · 27/06/2015 23:27

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 28/06/2015 07:07

If I were you I would hold your head high and ignore. Don't give the ghastly woman any headspace. Sounds like she is doing everything to get under your skin, so have the last laugh and don't give her the satisfaction. Once you remove the oxygen, the fire may smoulder but will go out in time.

NRomanoff · 28/06/2015 07:57

I think he is baring the brunt. She has told everyone he cheated on his sick wife. It was designed to get at both of you.

Personally I would ignore her. Your dsd knows it's not true. I am sure most other people know this too. Contact should be kept to a bare minimum. So just events for your dsd or her child. Unless your dsd is willing to cut her out. Surely there is no reason outside these events that you should have contact with her, now dsd is an adult.

If you and dh stop going to events it won't stop her, she will use it as proof she is telling the truth and you and dsd end up missing out.

WilburIsSomePig · 28/06/2015 07:58

I agree with Daisy. Really, this is the kind of woman that you can't win with, you can't have any kind of normal relationship with her so ignore her. I mean completely ignore her and remove her from your brain.

FinallyHere · 28/06/2015 08:05

Don't give her the satisfaction of noticing anything she does. Leave your friends and family to work out for themselves what she is up to. Think 'poor deluded soul'

Hold you head up, ignore, ignore, ignore.

It will be good for you and drive her crazy. Brilliant.

FinallyHere · 28/06/2015 08:06

Ah, cross posted. What they ^ said: ignore.

Original poster

zeezeek · 28/06/2015 16:00

Thank you - I needed to hear that! I know I'm overreacting, but it's been constant hassle from her over the last decade and has got worse since DSD got pregnant and then had the baby a bit too early (he was fine though).

Had a long chat with DH today - he hadn't realised the extent of her deceit at the christening and had been wondering why some of his old colleagues had been off with him all week and one of them pulled out of doing a piece of research for him. He's arranged to meet them next week to explain it all - so it should work out ok.

We've also found out that she has given her DD an ultimatum - she will look after her DGS (which my DH does now) if her DD cuts herself off from her father, me and our children and her other step-siblings. If she doesn't cut us off then her mother will go NC with her.

Also at the christening she was talking to people about DSD's DP's late mother - she died in a car crash about 10 years or so ago and before she died she spent a lot of time on the TES forums, talking about a colleague that she fell in love with. Her children knew all about that and after she died left lovely messages for the people who had supported her on there - it wasn't a big secret or anything, but that woman twisted everything and made his mother out to be a slut who has having an affair with a married man and had a drink problem and died because she was drunk driving. None of it was true and she didn't even know this woman. It's just another way of turning people against anyone who loves her DD so that she can retain control over her.

What a mess.

OP posts:

Hissy · 28/06/2015 16:06

I hope for DD sake, she lets her DM go NC. It's the best for you all, for her little one and for her.

Hissy · 28/06/2015 16:07

Absolutely the LAST person to leave a small baby with is this utter psycho.

Original poster

zeezeek · 28/06/2015 16:13

I hope so too - but trying not to influence her, but at the same time, I can't pretend to not want that woman out of all our lives.

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 28/06/2015 16:51

Well the toxic-ex was given a 'last chance' to behave like a normal, caring DM at her DGS' christening and she blew it. Talk about up-staging the happy parents! But her toxicity has gone too far this time if it has affected your DH's research. It's over-spilling from family dynamics into work and colleagues.

Now she is trying black-mail, threats and ultimatums to cut you and your DH out of DSD's life (and that of the DGS). Whilst you don't want to influence your DSD, you do NOT have to be struck dumb. I would suggest that as a DSM it is part of your role to continue to offer guidance regarding appropriate boundaries and demands, possible solutions to conflict, good parenting models etc. That isn't influencing - that is on-going support. Why do you think your DSD came to YOU with the issue? She is seeking your views.

I would explain to DSD that you will NOT be in the same room as this woman ever again. However, should DSD decide to continue to want to invite her DM to family occasions, you and DH would be happy with taking turns for invitations - or arriving/leaving at different times (e.g. birthday parties)

I simply wouldn't want anyone so toxic and unhinged anywhere near me or any member of my family.

I am glad that the christening event itself went well though.

missingmumxox · 28/06/2015 19:18

First off I am no legal expert but isn't this slander, she has tried and so far succeeded to ruin your husbands professional reputation?

anyway that's the route I would threaten to take.

Original poster

zeezeek · 29/06/2015 20:31

I'm not sure, missing. It was more of a near miss, really, with DH nearly not getting his name on a grant application - but then it's not vital to his career as he's officially retired. And he was able to sort it out and, more importantly, we both felt that it was a pretty bloody stupid reason to leave him off and his relationship with that person has deteriorated a bit because of their readiness to make a professional decision about DH based on personal rumours. And sorry for the lengthy sentence there. He's adamant that she will not be welcome at any event that we organise for the family - previously she has had an invite. She's not welcome at our house and he will not be contacting her about anything unless it is important/emergency re their DD or DGS.

DSD and I had lunch and a long chat. She doesn't want to go NC with her mother just yet - but this is almost the last straw.

And there we all were last Sunday thinking that the christening had gone so well, that she had behaved in an almost civilised manner and everyone seemed to have a good time. It's like all out memories of that day have now been tainted.

OP posts:

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