....to be livid!

[Thebestusernamesaretaken]

I'm furious! 8 months ago I left my ea oh and moved into a refuge, 8 months on and I've got a ha house and I am slowly rebuilding the lives of my children and I. I get nothing off my ex and rely totally on benefits. Despite this I've been bending over backward to try to encourage a relationship between my children and their dad. The children are 18 months and 5 and ex has said he wants to see them but feels he cannot cope with them both, so whenever they visit him I stay in the spare room. Recently it has become every weekend and his attitude is once again becoming more unpleasant, including complaining about the children making any sort of mess and that he has to tidy up when they've left. This weekend I got there last night to be greeted by my god you look terrible, why don't you make some bloody effort (I had jeans on and my hands show signs that I've been decorating) I then spent all evening sorting out some paperwork he wanted, no thanks given. This morning the 5 year old felt it a good idea to ignore me as every time I asked him to do something his dad failed to say anything or back me up. He then Went into the garden and poo'd on the patio and the other child played with it, 5 year old said nothing. In the end the general bad behaviour of the 5 year old led to dad saying he thought it best we leave, as we were leaving he said take them away and don't ever bring them back, he then said he considers all this my fault and he doesn't agree with how I parent, he also will not say how he would do it as he said he'll be criticised and he's not making that mistake again. He also said how depressed it made him feel. i'm back home again with 2 confused children and I'm furious!

You've got away and he's tried to pull you back in and you've realised and so that won't be happening again!

Don't feel any guilt about any of this. Your dc will be more than fine not sleeping over and listening to that load of codswallop.

Seriously you should save your sanity and your money and stay away. Cut all contact. You and your children deserve better!

Give yourself a break.

You have tried to do what you believed was best for your children. It hasn't been for the best, learn and move on.

I agree about the second breaking point. Mine came when my EA ex started screaming in my face in my new home - it was about 10 months after I'd moved out and he was there to drop off the children. I told him not to shout at me in my own home, and that he had to leave or I'd call the police. He told me not to be ridiculous and shouted some more. I actually got to the point of picking up the phone and starting to dial when he realised I was serious and flounced out.

OP, do what everyone else has suggested and don't go back there. He's still abusing you.

Supervised contact in a proper contact centre is the only way forward here.

If he doesn't like that then tough. Make clear that it is now the only option on the table. Do not give away your address to him either. If you do you may have to move again as he could turn up on a whim of some sort.

Hello OP
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this to our relationships topic.

don't take your children some where they are not wanted.

he is a disgrace and to me it sounds as if he is the one with parenting issues.

as other people have said, take him on his word and don't got back.

a time will come when he regrets he's decision and by then it will be too late.
if he ever changes he's mind and wants to play the in and out of their life game, then have him take you to court for visitation rights.

he sounds disgusting to me and does not deserve them babies.

you to me on the other hand sound as if you are doing a great job. keep up the good work and your babies will have no one to thank for their up-bringing other than their mum

I'm glad you are realising how fucked up the arrangements you describe in your OP are.
The DCs are playing up because they don't know how to deal with the tension and stress it is putting them under.
Sure, they possibly need to have contact with their other parent but I would be inclined to suggest it needs to be supervised ( by an independant professional) as he clearly has no idea how to put their best interests first.
As for you, if you have any contact with him at all it needs to be at 'arms length'.
Well done for leaving him. Please don't ever go back, he is damaging to you and your children.

Look, for your children's sake, you need to withdraw. I don't think it's 'normal' behaviour for a five-year-old to poo on the patio, so it sounds to me as though he might be exhibiting the effects of tension and stress.
This must be terribly hard for you, but you've done the hardest thing already, by leaving, so altering the access arrangement now ought to be a bit easier.