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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be shown up by mum when she's drunk?

21 replies

HangingBasketCase · 27/06/2015 14:56

I think it's fair to say that my DM like a drink, or two. I strongly suspect that she may have some kind of dependency as she drinks every single night. What she does in the privacy of her own home is her business however I'm so tired of her showing me up when we are at family do's or functions. She can't pace herself drink wise so instead of making one drink last along time and then alternating between a soft drink and alcohol she just continually knocks it back. Also because she's now getting older her tolerance is getting weaker which maes things worse.

When drunk she becomes loud and lairy, is frequently rude and insults people and then falls all over the place. I know she thinks she is funny and a life and soul of the party type but honestly she's not, she's embarassing. I see the looks and hear the comments from others and I know they think she's a bit ridiculous. It's horrible to hear. Privately my DF hass told me she shows him up, my Auntie (mums sister) has hinted she should get a liver function test, and my DB just keeps away because he's so horrified by her behaviour.

Nothing is sacred either, birthdays, weddings, christenings even funerals, she was so drunk she could barely walk at my grandmothers wake last year.

I love being around family and family friends, but quite honestly she ruins it for me. I feel ashamed and embarrassed, especially so for my DF who has usually has to carry her home. Why can't she just fucking grow up?

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 27/06/2015 14:58

YANBU at all.
Has anyone spoken to her about this?

BuriedSardine · 27/06/2015 15:01

No you're not but you need to take a lead from your brother and stay away because it is horrible and upsetting.

When you are ready, it is perfectly ok to say to your DM, 'Mum, I really can't handle your behaviour when you drink. It makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. So if you drink, I'm either not going to come to family things when you're there or I'll organise things without you so I don't have to witness it. If you want to talk about it or get help, I will be fully supportive but in the meantime I need you to understand a consequence of your drinking.'

Or words to that effect. You can't stop
her but you can remove yourself and/or exclude her.
Good luck

Wishful80sMontage · 27/06/2015 15:01

Agree with Salmo- think you need to have a talk to your DM when she's not had a drink.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 27/06/2015 15:02

YANBU to feel this way. I'm not sure what you can do about it though. Maybe film her next time and when you'll see her sober, show her the video? It might make her angry, but hopefully also makes her see the way others see her..?

Original poster

HangingBasketCase · 27/06/2015 15:18

If anyone ever dared speak to her about it she'd explode. She was furious when her sister made the liver function comment, even though she's probably right.

OP posts:

CainInThePunting · 27/06/2015 15:18

Well, YANBU but I don't think your DM is aware that she is not in control of her drinking.

She needs to admit that to herself first and then get some help.
You could speak to your own GP who will be able to advise you on support organisations. I know the AA have help for families of alcoholics and may be able to help you talk to her about it.

There is also a support thread on MN - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2377125-The-Brave-Babes-Battle-Bus-Shaping-Up-For-A-Super-Sober-Summer?pg=32

They will also be able to suggest sources of help.

ratspeaker · 27/06/2015 15:22

Remember people will be judging HER not you.

Keep in mind the three cs often quoted to family of alcoholics
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it

It takes a while to detach and realise what the 3 cs really mean.

Salmotrutta · 27/06/2015 15:29

I understand the fear of having tricky conversations OP and that she might explode.

Have you thought about maybe you, your Dad and brother talking to her together?

I have no idea if that's a good idea in your case but if two or three of you spoke to her it might have some impact?

Would that get through to her if you all said together how embarrassing it is and ruins events for you all?

BettyCatKitten · 27/06/2015 15:36

Yanbu, I've had to deal with my mum being publicly wrecked and its mortifying.
I suspect the reason she explodes when the subject is raised is because she is in denial that she has a drink problem. That response is very common amongst alcoholics.

lem73 · 27/06/2015 15:38

Unfortunately your DM definitely has an alcohol problem. My DM is a recovered alcoholic and she embarrassed us all several times. However my DF wouldn't stand for it and started turning down invitations or just not taking her. A lot of relatives also stopped inviting us. You can't make an alcoholic stop drinking. I tried pouring it down the sink and hiding her purse but that didn't last forever. The only thing you can control is refuse to sit and watch her drink herself silly. I think your db is doing the right thing and I suggest you follow his lead. It may encourage your df to tackle the issue with her. You have my sympathies. There's a long road ahead.

Original poster

HangingBasketCase · 27/06/2015 15:41

I honestly don't think that it would work. She's incrediably defensive about her drinking, "if I want a drink I'll have one" being her favourite quote. A few years back she discovered that she'd even excluded from a family party held in the afteenoon because they didn't want it to turn into a "piss up". She was furious "who the hell do they think they are?" Etc.

She associates drink with fun, thinks people who either don't drink much or at all are boring and anti social and often says things like "I like so and so, they like a good drink. Her group of friends enjoy a drink and they all go on lots of boozy weekends away together, I don't think that even they drink as much as she does though, and one of them even told me that she doesn't drink in the house.

OP posts:

GlitzAndGigglesx · 27/06/2015 15:54

My mum was like this. I remember having to pick her up off the floor countless times as a child and she would sit back up and carry on drinking. I'd beg her to stop and get a load of verbal abuse. She would quite often leave myself and my siblings home alone to go to the pub it was horrible. I remember the many sleepless school nights staying up listening to her drink herself silly with friends or start a fight with her DP who was trying to get her to stop. Some people just can't be helped

GinUpGirl · 27/06/2015 16:01

Why can't she just fucking grow up?

Because she sounds like she has a legitimate, genuine problem and will not be able to without support, kindness and structured professional help.

GinUpGirl · 27/06/2015 16:02

^So I'd have to distance myself and follow DB's lead until she was ready to accept that help.

Telling her exactly why will help her to realise.

Goshthatsspicy · 27/06/2015 16:07

I understand how you feel. I have five members of my family that behave like you've described.
Heavy, heavy drinkers that just think "l can hold my alcohol"

Original poster

HangingBasketCase · 27/06/2015 16:07

I think distancing myself is the only solution isn't it? Everyone knows what she's like, it's very much the elephant in the room. I just don't think its fair that I should have to moose family ocassions because of her.

OP posts:

Goshthatsspicy · 27/06/2015 16:13

I suppose you can just carry on as you are. One thing l've noticed in my family is how defensive they are.
Every day drinking is a problem. Heavier at weekends. Special drinks to go with doing the ironing etc... I could start a thread too!
In my case, the 'drinkers' hang out together, so nobody thinks anything of it.
I really feel sorry for you. For your Mum too, she can't see it and is doing herself no favours.

lem73 · 27/06/2015 16:49

I agree no one should have to miss family occasions because of her. Personally I think she should be told she's not welcome if she's going to behave like that. Your mum is not going to change her habits by herself. She is ruining family life and endangering her health. Either you accept the situation as it is or you refuse to be around her when she is drinking. I can't really see an alternative.
It may take something dramatic happening to change your mum. I knew someone with similar habits to your mum. She wandered in front of a car when she was off her face. She escaped with cuts and bruises but it was a wake up call. It may take something like that for your mum to realize how self destructive her drinking is, sadly.

Wideopenspace · 27/06/2015 18:21

It's hideous, isn't it. It was worse for me when I was a child, because I had no control over being around it.

As an adult I had more. Now I have a child of my own I absolutely will not be around her (or my father) when they drink.

I'm going to have to be when my eldest nephew gets married in the summer and I am dreading the whole event because of it.

Sympathies, OP

missymayhemsmum · 27/06/2015 18:39

Very very hard to challenge your mum, she is your mum, after all, and she will go up the wall and try every trick to deflect your criticism. But if all her family are saying clearly 'please don't be off your face tonight, you embarrass us' before a family gathering it might have some effect? YANBU to be angry with her, and it is ok to tell her how you feel.

trashcanjunkie · 27/06/2015 19:12

Can you film her whilst she's in action, and then watch it together? It doesn't need to be the main reason, say if it's a family event, you might just be recording it for its own sake, but try and catch her in the act. Then watch it back all together, and let her see herself when stone cold sober....

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