To think this is a fair compromise??

[JoandMax]

We live overseas and had been due to go back to the UK on Thursday for 2.5 weeks - long weekend in Centre Parcs, 10 days with my parents then time with a couple of friends.

But I am petrified of flying, its been getting hugely worse over the last few years. I have had a course of hypnotherapy which I had really hoped worked but pretty much over the last few days I have been close to a breakdown. I had to get DH to come home from work as I was having some terrible thoughts and feelings and I couldn't move.....

I just cannot get on that plane, I need more help and there's no time to do it. I think it is probably a very deep seated anxiety problem and I've been in denial for so long but cannot do that anymore.

But the DCs (5 and nearly 7) were so excited and it would break their hearts to not go. So DH and I are considering them going home just with him for a week, doing a couple of days at centre parks (with DHs sibling and the DCs cousin) then a few days at my parents. DH is a fantastic father, very hands on so no doubts at all at his capabilities.

If you were my family would you understand this? My parents aren't known for their unconditional loving or emotional support and I want to be able to feel strong enough that I'm doing the best solution that I can.

Thanks

Thank you Ragwort, that means a lot

I sympathise, I'm a terrible flyer. It helped me to understand that it was mainly the feeling of not being in control (God forbid I was in charge of a plane) and that it was claustrophobia at play too. Now I just have a couple of large vinos before I get on and suck it up. Statistically you're more way likely to die on the way to the airport but us feardies don't think of that, do we.

See if you can get a free upgrade (dress smart), an extra leg room space or to have a chat with the pilot before you go on. I always think that would help me. It's harder to not put faith in someone you've met and chatted too (unless he comes tapping his way through with a white stick and a lab!!)

Definitely Fackinell, I'm an engineer too so I understand how and why planes fly but that goes out my head when its me on one!

One of DS2s friends fathers is a pilot and I do think I'd feel a million times better if I knew it was him flying our plane. I did ask but unfortunately he doesn't do our journey!

Another vote for EFT, it's not intrusive, there's nothing to "believe" about it (it was invented by an engineer) it's simple and very effective.

Good luck

Do you think you'll never fly again, JoandMax? You'll never again visit your home country, have dinner in your parents home, etc? That would be a real pity.

I totally get you on this but I try and put it in perspective; do I know anyone who was killed in a plane crash? No. Do I know anyone who knows someone who was killed in a plane crash? No.

Just been searching for a link it can't find it. There was an aircraft expert on a TV programme a few years ago who said (and forgive me the non exact figures) statistically you'd have to fly 35 times a day (from birth) to be killed on your 88th birthday in a plane crash.

I think too of all the people in the twin towers, Lockerbie etc, who were on the ground. You don't have to inside a plane to be killed in a plane crash (albeit a deliberate terrorist attack.)

This is easy for me to rationalise though. I ain't got a flight booked and if I did I'd be shitting a brick and having cold sweats.

An old friend of mine was killed last week in a horrific car accident. We're guaranteed nothing, we will all die!! One day

Definitely I will fly again Fackinell, no choice as we can't stay in the country we're in forever and there really is no other option if we had to leave! Plus there's so many places I want to go to/take the DC to.

I just hadn't realised how bad my phobia had got, I last flew a year ago and it was horrendous so I tried the hypnotherapy before this weeks planned trip in a probably misguided mindset that it would work. If I have no flight to go on I can rationalise it perfectly, convince myself I will count to 10, deep breath, have a drink, its the safest form of travel etc etc but then adrenaline and my instinct take over.

I've booked a BA fear of flying course for October (1st one available) and I have an appointment with my doctor next week to discuss what they can do - whether thats refer me to a psychiatrist or for some CBT.

I feel exactly the same. It's the walking down the tunnel, the closing of the doors, the taxiing, I absolutely bloody hate it. It makes me feel sick just to think about but those bits are by far the worst for me. I actually started to have a panic attack but the face of the woman next to me controlled it. I told DP I needed to get off, I was trying to stand up and luckily he was firm but supportive. He promised me a double prosecco and I stayed.

I then stress about the flight home but I've now stopped ruining holidays like that and only allow myself the luxury of the day before onwards to worry.

The fact that you're happy for your DP and DC to fly shows that you know how irrational (albeit valid) your fear is. You would never do a thing to put them at risk. This definitely sounds like an anxiety disorder (it's one of my several) that is projected into this one scenario.

I really hope your FOF course helps. There was a programme about it a while ago. I'm on my phone but I'll post the link,I just don't think you'll be able to click on it directly. I'm off to watch it again. Good luck!!

www.channel4.com/programmes/fear-of-flying-caught-on-camera

Good luck JoandMax with your course. A dear friend of mine was as phobic as you. One day she let her father take her youngest son on holiday to America. As she watched the plane take off she realised if anything should happen to either of them, she wouldn't be able to fly out to them.
She booked on a 'fear of flying' course at Manchester airport and has never looked back.

Thanks Fackinell, will take a look at that!

I think you're right it's an anxiety disorder, I've been doing lots of thinking and actually a lot of my behavior in other areas in life could also stem from anxiety too. I'm obsessed with never being late, I triple check locks, I never go below 1/4 tank of petrol, I have insomnia - theres a long list which where I think I'm being 'organized' but could actually be anxiety of 'something going wrong out of my control'

I'm not worried about the DCs and DH flying, I am nervous about them being so far away and how much I'll miss them - I've only ever had a couple of nights away from them before and a short distance away.

Your description makes me feel sick too - that part of waiting then getting on and taxing is by far the worst bit..... I'm so sorry you have this fear too, it's so hard to deal with and for other people to understand. My DH is the complete opposite to me, he actually sleeps through takeoff, I just can't get my head around that!!

That's great for your friend my grandchildrenrock - I hope it's as successful for me!

Oh me too,I have a fear of people i care about dying, I hate the sound of the cat flap as my boys go out, long road trips; I have OCD and have suffered before with panic attacks and insomnia. I'm a self confessed control freak. We sound quite similar.

In my everyday life I'm super confident, always the joker; the other side of my personality really doesn't fit. I'm having hypnotherapy soon with a friend. He reckons he can clear this all up for me. I have had six bereavements in three years and it's caused a massive flare up of anxiety again. I hate how it creeps upon you like that.

I write as a job and can happily bare my soul in my stories, stand in a group of strangers and do a reading. It doesn't make sense that I'm constantly fearful in every other aspect. I'd like rid of it for good!!

I think we are the same person Fackinell!!

I'm so sorry about all those bereavements, thats a hell of a lot to deal with.

Most people would think I'm confident, easy going, fun, got it together but under the surface I'm not. Nobody can believe I have such a bad phobia.

I think I have always had anxiety, its most definitely got worse from having DCs, especially DS2 who was a poorly baby and although thankfully ok now I think I have a huge amount of pent up grief or stress from then. I just feel like I want to keep them with me all the time and to keep everyone safe, thats my over riding thoughts all the time. I am struggling with the idea of them being away, but DH is such a brilliant parent and they'll be with him and my parents so in such good hands.....

DH is actually currently on a plane right now, he's been on over 30 flights this year alone - total difference in our relationship!!

Thank goodness your DS is well now. You must have felt so helpless. I have no DC, 4 of the bereavements were baby losses. It's possibly just as well I'm childfree, I'd be scared to let anyone breathe on them.

What does your DH think of your fear? Are you leaving the option to go open in case you have a last minute surge of confidence?

DH is being great, I think he was shocked seeing me in such a state recently that it was actually him who said enough was enough and he couldn't watch me doing that to myself anymore. Its probably taken him until now to realise, before it was always a bit of a joke me hating planes!

No, my ticket is cancelled and their flights have been changed so no option for me to go. I think though I need the experience of them going and me missing out to really spur me on to sort this once and for all.

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses, its such a terribly sad thing to happen to you. Something so tragic will change you completely.

I really hope you manage to get some help with your anxieties too! I'll pass on anything I find that helps. Thinking of you x

Thank you, JoandMax,I appreciate that. I hope you don't fret too much while they're away. I'm sure they'll miss you lots but will have a lovely time. You should try and do something for yourself when they're away, some therapeutic sessions or relaxation .