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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unsure of how to approach this situation

52 replies

Mummybear8 · 27/06/2015 00:23

I'll try and keep this as short as possible and not drip feed but I'm so cross I need to vent...
I had my daughter shortly after leaving school which taught me a valuable life lesson in friends. I have a small number of friends and I like it that way. I have filtered out those who were not really "true friends", but merely people I tolerated back in school, and am very happy with this arrangement. My friends are very precious to me and I like to think I treat them well & vice versa.
Fast forward several years and I am currently 29 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. A "friend" who I haven't spoken to or seen in 4 years has tried calling me (I don't know where they got my number from as it's not the same one I had then). I suspect this has something to do with the fact I'm pregnant. It wasn't just once, I'm talking several times, several text messages and messages through social media in the last 24 hour period, calling me ignorant, asking how I am, telling me they miss me etc. I feel totally pestered and have had enough. They are exactly the sort of person that will just turn up at my house unannounced, as they did this the last time I saw them, 4 years ago.
I don't know how to approach this situation without causing myself unnecessary stress. On the one hand I don't want to talk to this person or acknowledge their constant badgering and hope they will get the message I'm not interested. On the other hand I fear they will not leave me alone until I clearly state I have no interest in being friends after all this time with no contact. (We weren't particularly good friends before anyway so I have no idea why they are so desperate to get in contact except for the fact that I'm pregnant and people do seem to crawl out of the woodwork when a life event like this happens...)
Please give me some advice if this has happened to you or even if it hasn't because I am bloody fed up! Thanks

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 27/06/2015 01:16

Is he the father of your first child?

Original poster
Mummybear8 · 27/06/2015 01:19

No Silver, I am still with the father of my first child. The person I am referring to is actually gay (and I will state now I am in no way homophobic and they are not the "lifestyle choices" I am talking about when I say I disagree with the way they live)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummybear8 · 27/06/2015 01:22

No Silver, I am still with the father of my first child. The person I am referring to is in fact gay. (And I will state now that I am in no way homophobic and that is absolutely NOT the "lifestyle choice" I am referring to when I say I don't agree with it)

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 27/06/2015 01:24

I've sent unsolicited text messages to acquaintances before now. One message. If I didn't get a reply, I might be a little hurt but I would not be offended because it was unsolicited. The other person does not owe me a reply. A non reply would be interpreted by me as "thanks, but no thanks."

By virtue of the fact that the acquaintance has called the OP "ignorant" for not responding, as well as sending numerous messages and making several calls in a 24-hour period, I'd say the acquaintance definitely had the potential to be a problem, rather than a wounded innocent simply trying to extend the hand of friendship.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2015 01:26

It doesn't matter who the person is or why the OP dislikes him. Anyone who keeps on pushing for some kind of response when being ignored is rude and unpleasant and can therefore be ignored, told to fuck off or indeed reported for harassment. There is no obligation at all to be nice to someone you don't like, whose attention you don't want. This previous acquaintance of OP's has no right at all to any response or engagement from her.

Momagain1 · 27/06/2015 01:31

Agreed. Send a message saying all is well, but you would rather not renew the friendship. Then Block their number and block them on social media. Or just do the blocking.

LovelyFriend · 27/06/2015 01:49

I would continue to ignore them completely.

If they do eventually connect with you make a brief "not interested thanks" statement.

Op do you feel threatened by this person?

LovelyFriend · 27/06/2015 01:50

I would continue to ignore them completely.

If they do eventually connect with you make a brief "not interested thanks" statement.

Op do you feel threatened by this person?

LovelyFriend · 27/06/2015 01:55

I would continue to ignore them completely.

If they do eventually connect with you make a brief "not interested thanks" statement.

Op do you feel threatened by this person?

Original poster
Mummybear8 · 27/06/2015 02:02

Not particularly threatened, more annoyed at the intrusion and basic lack of social skills! I know my partner would put his foot down very firmly if he knew about the continuous badgering but luckily it ceased at midnight and he is out with friends.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 27/06/2015 02:03

I would continue to ignore them completely.

If they do eventually connect with you make a brief "not interested thanks" statement.

Op do you feel threatened by this person?

LovelyFriend · 27/06/2015 02:06

I would continue to ignore them completely.

If they do eventually connect with you make a brief "not interested thanks" statement.

Op do you feel threatened by this person?

Momagain1 · 27/06/2015 02:11

Sorry, I left the page open awhile, and didnt refresh, so my response makes no sense.

You can assume I am being rude and ignorant to this person (and by not replying to their messages, I am certainly being intentionally ignorant in the hope they get the message) but there is absolutely no reason they would have to get in touch with me now. We weren't even particularly good friends!

Wait a minute.

Do you mean they said you were IGNORING them? And are you admitting that you are IGNORING them?

Ignorant is an insult implying you are stupid.
Ignoring, as in not responding, is a reasonable response to someone you don't want to talk to.

He hasnt rudely called you ignorant. Mand I dont think you are rude to ignore him until you feel like responding. At this pont, message him that you are ignoring them as you don't want to renew the friendship. And then block them here, there, and everywhere and carry on ignoring him.

KoalaDownUnder · 27/06/2015 02:57

Gosh, just reply to him once saying 'Hi Boris, I don't want to renew our friendship so please stop contacting me'.

Especially if his name is not Boris. Grin

You are making a drama out of nothing.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 27/06/2015 05:22

Have to confess I also got stuck on the ignorant/ignoring bit.

If someone I hadn't spoken to for 4 years popped up and called me ignorant I wouldn't give them the time if day.

If they queried why I was ignoring them (and I was!) then I'd engage in civil but not overly engaged conversation. Sounds like you might be slightly antagonising him and working yourself up by deliberately ignoring him?

Momagain1 · 27/06/2015 09:40

I also think the 2nd pregnancy is nothing to do with it., he is just randomly contacting you, as old classmates sometimes do. He noticed your name on mutual friends social media, and got in touch.

SilverBirchWithout · 27/06/2015 12:21

Tee Hee! Ignore and Ignorant confusion Grin

Right to ignore as he does sound ignorant to me, unless this is your confusion about the English language.

MurielWoods · 27/06/2015 12:22

You don't need to justify yourself here OP and you don't need to worry about other peoples reactions.

A simple text saying Hi, thanks for your messages. I'm not interested in renewing our friendship however. Hope you are well.

Don't use words like 'sorry' or 'unfortunately' - just keep it blunt and to the point.

Send it
Block him
Tell your partner what has happened

ReginaBlitz · 27/06/2015 13:09

So now she is a he and onto illegal stuff..maybe if you had mentioned that in the op people might have understood a bit better

Finola1step · 27/06/2015 13:14

Block him.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2015 14:01

Even if the person was innocent and harmless, OP is still under no obligation to give some old acquaintance any of her time or attention if she doesn't want to. Anyone who makes more than two attempts to contact someone out of the blue, or after having been dumped by that person, has crossed the line into rudeness and doesn't merit sympathetic treatment. People have every right to ignore others.

Aridane · 27/06/2015 15:08

Ha ha at the poster who said to threaten with the police

Runningupthathill82 · 27/06/2015 17:02

This is bonkers. OP, answer the phone, see what he wants.
There might be a reason for his getting in touch.

If not, then be polite and say you're not interested in rekindling the friendship.

You're being a drama queen for no reason here.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2015 17:11

Running: There is no good reason for an old acquaintance to get in touch with someone who didn't like him/her. (OK, on the very tiny offchance that a former acquaintance has some official reason for contact, contact would be made officially.)

And threatening a nuisance acquaintance with the police often makes him/her back off - or the acquaintance then starts behaving in a way that really justifies police attention. Attempts to contact someone don't have to be blatantly aggressive to constitute harassment, they just have to be repeated when unwanted.

KensingtonRose · 27/06/2015 17:23

"I'll try not to drip feed"...

Mentioning that the person is male and he breaks the law might have been useful.

Just reply saying "thanks for your message. I have my hands full at the moment and I'm rubbish at staying in touch, wish you all the best for the future"

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