To Want DP To Help More?

[Lauren1983]

I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. DP works full time. He normally gets home at 5pm every day but the last three days has got home at 3pm. On all these days he has come in, had a drink and a 10 minute sit down and then gone to work on one of his cars until about 6.30/7pm.

Today we booked a table at a restaurant for 7pm. At 5.30 DP was still out working on his car, I had to wash my hair, have a bath etc and would have liked him to watch DD but got on with getting ready while looking after her.

DP comes in just after 6 and I ask him if he would get DD ready (nappy change etc just a 5 min job) and he asked why couldn't I do it. I replied I had been looking after her all day and wanted 5 mins to finish getting ready. He replied with ''oh well''.

We left to go to dinner and I got a bit upset on the way. DP then started to guilt trip me by saying he works all day to support us (which is true) and that he is annoyed with me moaning about him working on his cars (on average he probably spends about 10 hours a week working on them).

AIBU to expect him to help more? part of me thinks he does work hard so deserves a bit of hobby time.

Do you get 10 hours a week hobby time?

Well you're both working all day he gets come on at 4 and do hobbies -10h week is a lot. You get how many hours? Offer for him to swop work at home all day you can go work then list all your evening activities you have planned while he's busy with kids.

Doesn't sound like YABU, but, like essexMummy said, you need to look at it from the other side - do you both get equal time to do what you want to do (be that sitting reading, or watching TV, or MNing , or tinkering with cars, or having a coffee with mates, of having a long bath or going for a run or joining a choir or whatever it is you choose to do with the time when you are not responsible for dd?
If you get equal time, then I suppose that can be seen as fair (although it would have been nice to think he might want to spend time with his dd, or that he might want to offer to 'treat you' to extra me time.
If you aren't getting 10 hrs a week to do as you choose, then of course it's not fair or reasonable.

I go out with friends sometimes but don't spend time doing any hobbies. It can sometimes be more than 10. Last Sat he started working on the car at about 11am and apart from coming in briefly for lunch was about until about 7.30.

But YOU work all day to support him don't you?

If he had to look after the kids, or had to pay someone to do it...

I think his view is that if I worked the childcare bill would come from my wages and other bills from his and that he wouldn't be any better/worse off.

Your children are your joint responsibility. Just as you could not be a SAHM without him financially supporting you, your DP could not be a WOHD without you providing childcare while he is at work.

You are equally dependent on each other. Which means equal spending money and equal child-free time to do as you wish.

You're married to a knobber. Sorry, but you are. I understand people trying to get a little extra time (DH likes to do what we refer to as 'child avoidance work' like gardening) but decent parents acknowledge that children are both of their responsibility. Your OH thinks they are just yours. Arsehole.

Are you even married to this lazy, child avoiding dickhead?

Oh, not married. Less paperwork to get rid of him, then.

Invoice him for the work you do while he is at work/working on his cars.

He doesn't really value what you do. His work is paid, yours isn't so in his eyes you aren't really working. Nip this in the bud. I see you have a daughter, this shit is important.

I think his view is that if I worked the childcare bill would come from my wages and other bills from his and that he wouldn't be any better/worse off

Well he is wrong

Childcare is a joint expense as it enables BOTH of you to work.

If you split up and have 50/50 residency he will have to find childcare