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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like giving my daughter to my exH?

22 replies

AlmondAmy · 25/06/2015 22:54

DD is 8 and we're in the court process. SS and a solicitor advised stopping contact because of several issues, such as:

ExH leaving DD alone at home and in public from 5 yo
ExH supervising DD so inadequately that she took herself off to a friends house without him noticing
DD having tummy ache and extreme sleep disturbances several nights before and after contact
DD being hysterically upset after contact and unable to articulate why
ExH letting two unrelated 12/13 yo boys share a room/bed with DD
ExH constantly badmouthing me to DD and openly telling her that DP and I love 'our' Dc but not her
ExH weighing DD every fortnight then encouraging her to gorge on food (because I'd asked him to watch her weight)

These are only a few examples. DD is extremely wary of saying anything to anger her father and she has an anxiety related speech issue. When I spoke to CAFCASS I said DD wouldn't be able to be open and honest if she knew what she said would be repeated to her father because she'd worry he'd be angry. After speaking to them she was in floods of tears saying the first thing CAFCASS said was they couldn't keep secrets and that he'd know everything she said.

DD was then asked: 'have you missed daddy?' (Leading question, much??) and actively played down all her issues with contact so she wouldn't anger him. The CAFCASS officer has recommended contact commence immediately based on DD saying she missed him and that she feels safe with him. DD would feel safe walking the two miles over busy roads to school - it doesn't mean it actually is safe. DD was also told off for sneaking out and made to feel guilty about it, and told that sharing beds/bedrooms with boys is inappropriate and why. ExH has always encouraged DD to lie to me and now this will reinforce that she should do so.

When I left (abusive) exH he told me he'd never leave me in peace and would always use DD to get at me and he's doing just that, with DD paying the price. In the months she hasn't seen him she's excelled at school, hasn't been ill once (it was every fortnight), has been happy and confident and hasn't cried once, she has slept through every single night and been completely content. Already, with just the prospect of seeing him shes cried four times, been up several times each night this week, isn't bothering with school work, barely speaking to any of us yet overly clingy at times with me etc.

I feel like the system has completely failed her and the only possible way she can be saved from his animosity toward me is if she was with him instead of me.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 25/06/2015 22:58

Sorry you're going through this - he sounds really awful, but you can't seriously think she would be better off with that twat. She'd be better off if you and she emigrated away from him, but the thought of that poor girl living with him full time should fill you with fear.

SnapesCapes · 25/06/2015 23:01

Being with an emotionally abusive cunt is better than being with a parent who loves her? I don't see it.

He probably will continue to use her to get to you, you can't control that. The only thing you can control is that you have her with you; you are her main carer, you are her roots and her security, you are her comforter and protector. It must feel awful and it must be harrowing to deal with this, I can't even imagine. But if you let him have her full time you're incredibly unlikely to ever get her back. Don't allow him to take the bond and connection you have with her away. Don't allow his abuse and manipulation and utter cuntery to prevent you having a relationship with her.

DarkEvilMoon · 25/06/2015 23:01

Video evidence? Diaries? evidence to back up what you are saying. Legal advice. These are the only things I can think of that might help.

Just don't give her up you will regret it and he will have won to the detriment of your daughter!

I am going to hope that someone who can advise how to fight this rocks up with advice shortly.

Stripyhoglets · 25/06/2015 23:01

So sad for your DD, but don't give up fighting her corner because she is too scared to. I don't know how you can lessen the effects of his parenting but it doesn't sound like her being with him full time would be good for her at all. He would find another way to hurt you as this is about him and his control over you, not about your DD.

bellybuttonfluffy · 25/06/2015 23:03

I'm perhaps missing something.. but why would it be better for your DD if she is with him as primary carer with everything you just said? Surely, if this is how he acts with limited contact, then it would be 100x worse if she was with him all the time?

I feel for your situation, but unfortunately I have no advice . I hope for your DD's sake this gets sorted soon, but please don't think giving her to your ex is the way to go. You seem like a loving and caring parent, and it would be awful for your DD to lose that.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/06/2015 23:04

No no she woukd not Almond, sounds like system designed to protect children has screwed up again. What is it with Fecking Cadcass, another lady I know has been totally screwed over by them. Keep fighting

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 25/06/2015 23:12

If I wasn't in the equation, he couldn't hurt her to try and get to me and she might have more of a chance of being happy. With alternate weekend contact which is what CAFCASS are recommending and what was happening before, it means our life is: DD with tummy ache and diarrhoea, moody, rude and barely sleeping for 2/3 days before contact, then the same again plus being rude, hysterical and barely talking to us forat least 4 days after contact. Its not good for anyone to go back to that.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 25/06/2015 23:33

almond think of how she will be like oermentntly living with him, if she is like this before contact. In a couple of years, she can have her input about contact. No you are her best hope, please keep fighting

wellysrule · 25/06/2015 23:47

wow, that sounds tough to deal with. But like pp have said you are seriously her best bet. Not just that. You are the best there is for her. I know it's like an uphill struggle all the bloody time with court etc but hang on in there, it will come good in the end.

HerrenaHarridan · 26/06/2015 00:02

I understand why you would feel like you are making it worse not better by fighting back.

I understand that you feel totally out of options and like only a desperate last stand might be listened to.

Here is what you need to do.

Compile evidence. Approach any professional involved with her head teacher, teacher, scout leader, gp, camhs any one and ask the to write you a letter detailing behaviour they have experienced from your dd before x date when she was seeing her dad and after x date when it stopped.
If she resumes seeing him repeat this excersises in 6 months.

Ask her teacher to keep an ongoing report of any moods/ acting out at school, nothing complex just xxx was emotional today/seemed happy/ was aggressive and the date.
Explain to the teacher that you have a child protection concern and that you need unbiased evidence to prove or disprove a connection.

Keep a diary yourself, every tummy upset, every good day,

Explain to your dd that she must never keep secrets that make her feel bad and that she can tell you anything. That if she doesn't want to tell you she should tell another grown up that she trusts like her teacher, she will never be in trouble for telling the truth.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and even sorrier you have to be party to putting your dd through this

It is worth considering having him collect/ drop her at school as part of his contact time as this will provide the school another opportunity to gather evidence that is independent of you.

It's all about making it not your word against his

FloraFox · 26/06/2015 00:27

DD being hysterically upset after contact and unable to articulate why
ExH letting two unrelated 12/13 yo boys share a room/bed with DD

You can't leave her with this man. You know you can't. This is where you can change the path of her life.

Other people (like Herrena) can give you advice about how to do it. Please listen to them.

saturnvista · 26/06/2015 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Babynamechange · 26/06/2015 09:13

Saturnvista I think that's why a lot of women stay in abuisive relationships ....because they are worried about their children being left unsupervised with them during contact. But then women are encouraged to leave, with the children obviously, thinking they will be able to protect them, when sadly often they can't

springsprang · 26/06/2015 09:22

saturnvista you're missing sensitivity, empathy and compassion. Talk about kicking someone while they're down!!

springsprang · 26/06/2015 09:25

OP keep fighting. And fighting and fighting and fighting. Your daughter needs you and you'll get there in the end.

LineRunner · 26/06/2015 09:29

I'm another one who ended up having to do CAFCASS's job for them, so you have my sympathies.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/06/2015 09:46

I had this with contact officers, I totally lost my shit with the second one who was downplaying all my (significant concerns about my DC), I told him I would hold him responsible for any harm caused to my DC form contact based on his recommendations. All of a sudden he back pedalled.

Get you DD's school involved ask for them to give you in writing details of your DD's behaviour following contact weekends.
Keep your own records as pp said, keep it factual, i.e. DD returned form contact, has been crying hysterically and being clingy, too hysterical to say what happened.
Take DD to GP and get a referral to a Paed, the Paed wrote a letter confirming to me tat the symptoms my DC suffered were psychosomatic and given the pattern of the illness she was suffering only occurred during specific times the symptoms were related to anxiety. I asked for him to confirm it in writing.

Then when we went to court I demanded another CAFCASS officer, I said the one who had made the assessment had refused to listen to my concerns counter to the concerns of every other professional who had dealt with DC and my DC needed another assessment from a separate officer. The new officer, played with them, didn't ask any direct questions, but got them to make drawings and discussed the pictures with DC. He listened to what I had to say, spoke to the school, and when it returned to court, he represented DC, not me not twatface, DC.

Complain about the officer who dismissed and belittled your concerns about your child, speak to SS (altho they may not get involved as it is a court matter).

You're going to have to fight tooth and nail for your DD, nobody really gives a shit because it's only women and children who are suffering.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/06/2015 09:48

saturnvista, may I ask are you suggesting women in relationships who are suffering dv, stay in the relationships till they're killed by their partners? Who's going to take care of the kids then?

Branleuse · 26/06/2015 09:52

Seriously? You need to keep fighting, not give in. Im not surprised you may feel like giving in at times, but you dont do it.

OracleofDelphi · 26/06/2015 10:10

I don't have a lot to add I'm afraid but couldn't not reply ..... It breaks my heart for your DD and you having to go through this because of your abusive exH.... Please don't give up - that's what he wants. He wants to "win" whatever the cost to you or DD.

I have never been in this circumstance re CAFCASS but had had EA relationship in the past. He needs to know that he can't break you, he can't win and no matter what you will never give up fighting.

As others have said throw everything you can at him .... SS, school, GP, referral to Paeds. Try every avenue and keep trying as DD will know that you love her unconditionally and you will always be there for her.

I don't know how you can get her to talk to you when he is saying the things he is, but keep trying and hopefully your love and care can lessen the effects of this utter bastard to his own daughter. Keep on keeping on, your DD needs you

saturnvista · 26/06/2015 12:03

fuzzywuzzy I'm not suggesting anything, actually, though my question makes it clear that I'm feel I must be missing something. Hopefully the question will be answered at some point.

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 26/06/2015 14:03

Flora - CAFCASS know this information to be fact from exH, DD and me but say its ok because they've told exH to stop the bed sharing and he's agreed (which he did and then lied about and got DD to lie about when childrens services told him to 2 yrs ago) and because DD says she feels safe. She has no idea why it isn't on, and it shouldn't have to be explained to her - especially not by a CAFCASS officer without my consent. Now DD is feeling guilty like she did something wrong, asking questions that she shouldn't even have to consider and knows to lie about it in future otherwise she could get her dad in trouble.

Saturn I figured that a few days per month of exH being inflicted on dd was better than her growing up seeing him shout at/threaten/hurt/molest her mum every single day.

OP posts:

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