To wonder whether my life is fabulous or shit?

[notmyusualMNname123]

I could start a million posts about how great my DH is, and how well we get on. What a great dad he is. How much our DD adores him. What a great provider he has been,and how we are best friends.

They would all be true.

I could start a million posts about how rubbish my DH is, how much he turns my stomach,how lazy he is, how much I detest him, how i want to punch his lights out, how much he bores me, etc.

They would also all be true.

My guilty secret is that we've had sex once in 2015. And that's more than we had in 2014. and 2013 wasn't a lot better.

We've been married 20 years. Sometimes he makes me laugh. Sometimes he makes me so bored and angry. sometimes he's an amazing dad. Sometimes he's a lazy dick. I've heard all his stories a million times - WHY IS HE TELLING ME AGAIN???? He's funny and informative - I LOVE HIS STORIES!

Sometimes he says things and I think "wow! You must really HATE me to say that". Sometimes I do the same. Sometimes we really appreciate each other.

We do get on well. And our relationship 'works'. And our DD is very happy.

Is this it? Have I got a happy marriage?

TBH, I always thought it would, but the lack of sex doesn't actually bother me that much - I'd rather have a sneaky wank.... It's as satisfying, I'm guaranteed to get myself off, and I don't have to bother with the malarky of his orgasm. I'm sad for the sexual intimacy we don't share, but can't actually be bothered enough to do something about it (and suspect that part of what lies at the heart of it is that he doesn't fancy me any more, and don't blame him for that... I don't much fancy him either)

So, am I "settling"? Do I actually have - after 20 years - a "happy" marriage?

Are most 20 year old relationships like mine?

DD would be devastated if we split.

We live in a lovely house, in a lovely area.

Our life is good, isn't it? Is it good enough?

Am I just a spoiled princess?

I really, really don't know.

And this is not typical for 20 year relationships. It's typical for 20 year relationships that have been allowed to go stale.

I dont know. I put a post bit like that up the other day as well.. Same thing. Together twenty years and sometimes (a lot of the time when he's out working) I love and miss him and then when he's home I watch to punch his face... From outside everyone tells us how matched we are. And like you we have brillant days with the kids and I love him to bits and then other days I imagine life quite happily without him..its a hard one alright...think you doing OK and maybe over thinking sorry I can't be much use to you

Know the feelings OP, nearly all of them but haven't been together as long as you have.

But I had a bit of a useful "wake-up call", if you like, late last year; a friend's husband died suddenly of heart attack on his way to work. I thought "Shit, I'd be devastated if that happened to DH" - and that was what I needed to know - that I'd be far unhappier without him than I am with him. Sure he annoys the hell out of me sometimes, but I'd still rather have him around (and I'm pretty sure he thinks the same about me sometimes too!)

To give perspective, DH and I have been together 14 years (so not quite as long) and in that time he has never once been rude to me, not ever. He's never belittled me or called me names. I have called him names and I'm not proud of that. I have resolved never to do so again.

We've had our problems and we've come close to splitting up. But we've never deliberately hurt each other. I think once you stray into doing that, love starts to die.

It all sounds very normal to me...except for the lack of intimacy. No sex, no cuddles, no kisses...unless yore both asexual, thats going to end up a problem for one or both of you eventually.

I've been with my DH 15 years. I adore him and he pisses me off. All that sounds par for the course with any long term relationship. But no affection or sex at all? I couldn't live like that.

Is he happy about things? Have you spoken to him about this? The lack of an intimate relationship seems to be a huge elephant in the room. A festering, rotting elephant that is going to explode at some stage...time for a conversation?

of course it is true that you can be thoroughly charmed and thoroughly disgusted by the same person. In the same day. Within the hour. I am pretty sure that if anyone told me their life and opinions about their partner were always middle of the road and tending to positive, I would think they were trying too hard not to see the negatives. It's hard work living with other humans.

And yes, sometimes couples do go through long periods with little or no sex, sometimes they are repelled by their partner, or a habit. Sometimes even by something they once found attractive, and then return to what others would consider 'normal' . We have. The question is, OP, why are you in this state? And what have you done about it? For us it was a combination of mental health, age of kids, career pressure. We went for 2 or 3 years with one, the other, or both missing connections and avoiding opportunities. I know we both wondered if the other was ready to go. It was discussed. More than once. Juniper says it about sex, but it applies to everything, a bit of faking it now and again can carry you through this stage.

Are you settling? Yes, but it sounds like you have been settling, sexually, from the beginning. You assume he doesnt fancy you anymore, but then you say he has had ejaculation problems all along. i think it is more likely that he is as tired of facing that as you are. It must have been stressful for him, every time. Even the least indication that you were annoyed would not go unnoticed. you say you have never really appreciated his lovemaking style, you dont say whether you tried to teach him any different or you have just put up with it. It sounds like the latter as it sounds like his ejaculation was dependent on reliable steps and jiggles and doing things differently was too big a risk? So you two just muddled through without active discussion, and that has led you into this low stage which neither of you talks about. You are going to have to talk about it, if you want a change.

if you feel frumpy, then change that becuase you dont want to feel frumpy. Not because it matters a bit if Dh does or doesnt think so. If you want more sex, then talk about it with him, dont project your issues and assumptions. And if you arent in the habit of talking, dont expect to leap into a full and open discussion. Its going to happen in short topics as you both learn to do it.

It sounds to me like you are friends rather than husband and wife. And like all friendships, sometimes you love them and other times they bug the shit out of you. That's true of spouses too, but in a marriage you have the fundamental connection of sexual attraction and romantic love to see you through the bad times.

If you took your dd out of the equation, would you still want to be with him? What do you see happening when she leaves home?

I think it's worth trying to fix because you can't take dd out of the equation and she deserves for you both to try before calling it a day.

I would tell my husband all of this and see how he felt. It's too easy yo let it drift and before you know it another 5 years have passed and you've slept through your life. Either that or one of you starts shagging someone else, which causes so much heartache for the cheated on spouse and will destroy your dds stability.

Callindana you're quite the expert

You need to have a direct chat about your sex life. Also you sound a bit down generally, calling yourself frumpy. Build up your own self esteem for your sake not his. You only have one life. I'm not an 'expert' but have been married 28 years and sex goes through peaks and troughs (Ooh er vicar) Every marriage is different and it's quite a new idea that your husband or wife has to be a 'soul mate' and a sex god/dess at the same time. I know that my husband means everything to me and we have argument/bicker every single day.

Do you reckon it's normal for people in a long term relationship to deliberately hurt each other Maggie?

Maybe your relationship is normal for most people who have been together for 20 years. I have been with my partner for 23 years, and that is not how I feel.
Yes sex isn't as frequent as it used to be. But we are genuinely happy together.

Cailindana, sorry but I find your description odd too. Of course most couples hurt one another in a relationship. It's normal. That doesn't mean it's intentional or malicious but I would be distrustful of someone who was so calculated in what they said that they have never said a single hurtful thing in 14 years.

Both my DH and I have said unintentionally hurtful things, that is normal I think. But namecalling and belittling is deliberate and slowly kills a relationship IMO.

I'm afraid that i recognise some of my own marriage in your post. I don't think it is healthy to have such contradictory emotions in a relationship, but i don't know what the answer is... Sometimes I am so happy and completely in love, then i find myself feeling like i hate him and would be better on my own ... It is very confusing and a drain emotionally

"Sometimes he says things and I think "wow! You must really HATE me to say that". Sometimes I do the same."

I actually think it sounds lovely - apart from that bit. But I can't do rows. Literally. Can't bear them.

if you still feel you'd take a bullet for them after 20 years, I think that's great.

OP, I read your first post and wondered if I had written it in my sleep.

18 years married and echo everything you say. He infuriates me at times, but I would not want to be without him, and had a scare earlier in the year when there was a chance I could lose him. He is also my rock, my best friend, my soul mate. He makes me laugh and cringe. He's sweet, and annoying.
We do DTD more than you say you do, but its difficult when we are both always tired and the Dc are always around. Last time we both had a day off while the kids were at school, and I planned for some romance and intimacy, I was ill!
We do fall out (though never name calling and spite, never ever real shouting or swearing) but we go by the old rule never let the sun set on an argument. We are both good at apologising and admiting fault. we tell each other i love you every single day.

Thank you all so very much. There's so much thought provoking stuff on here. I'm grateful to hear that elements of my situation are familiar to others (I do get not the sex thing as much). And there is some fantastic advice.

There was a comment earlier about it 'growing stale', which makes sense. The lack of sex thing came about because he went through a phase of ahem dying on the job. And he eventually said he "didn't feel particularly sexual at the moment" and so I didn't push it, esp thinking he prob just doesn't fancy me like he used to. And I'm not sure I have the courage to have such a frank conversation - to hear the ways he finds me a less exciting person than he used to.

But what this thread has definitely given me is (a) the knowledge I'm not alone. (b) the knowledge that my relationship isn't bad. And most importantly (c) some ways I can work to improve it (some braver than others for me) to make it better and (d) that it is worth trying that for both our sakes.

Thank you all so much for your intelligent and thought-provoking comments. I have a feeling I'm going to come back and re-read this quite a bit.

I definitely hate my husband sometimes. I think that's normal. But we have sex all the time, he turns me on effortlessly. It wasn't always this way, mind you (toddlers!).

How old are your daughters?

But what this thread has definitely given me is (a) the knowledge I'm not alone. (b) the knowledge that my relationship isn't bad. And most importantly (c) some ways I can work to improve it (some braver than others for me) to make it better and (d) that it is worth trying that for both our sakes

That's great and I hope that you can find that spark again to make it good. I would add though, that you can't do all of those things on your own. He needs to understand that he has to put some work into it too, and that he has to do that for both of your sakes.

WRT his reasoning for not having sex, I think that you could have a discussion about restarting your sex life without it necessarily sliding into a discussion about what it is about each other that you don't fancy anymore. That would be extremely hurtful, I would imagine. Maybe rather approach it from the missing what you used to have angle, saying you miss the closeness etc. Perhaps try non-sexual stuff first like massages and cuddles and build up to sexual contact. If he has a problem with performance, that isn't necessarily the end of a joint sex life. He can either work around it and hope it is a blip that he can get over, or see his GP and get it checked out and some medication for it. If he wants your relationship to thrive, he has to be willing to put some of the effort in to it too.