WIBU to tell her to stop bragging ?

[Myfoofneedspruning]

Hi there,

I'm ready to be kick in the arse if needed , my best mate moved to Italy about a year ago with her Dh and ds. She is not working and is mainly the main carer for her sons as her Dh travels a lot with work. She is really happy about this move, they managed to buy a big house there etc... Now it's where I started to have a problem after few months of her being there...everytime she sends me texts its to tell me that's it's really hot where she is, I have millions snaps of her sunbathing. She talks a lot about her pool, about her house etc...yes I admit that 90 % of the time I'm ok with but some other time I'm fed up because she knows I'm working 55 hours a week, that Dh and I are having problems...etc and she doesn't really ask about that.

Yesterday, I have asked her if you could stop bragging a bit after being told about the last great thing she is getting at her new home. She exploded saying that I was mean, that I was so lucky to have my Dh back at home every night to help with the ds, to have a cleaner, to have food delivery etc...I know it must be hard to have her Dh gone for some periods of time but at least she doesn't have to work, doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, its for her Dh to worry about.

All I wanted for her was to be a bit more sensitive to my feelings.

So what do you all think ?

Oh and the hating England thing? Ignore that :) expats go through a cycle of emotions.

Oh this is AMAZING! Look it's so sunny/everything works like clockwork/SO much better than home!

Oh, that doesn't quite work how I thought, ok, minor embarrassment...

I'm adjusted! Honest.... (Basic language progress, surface assimilation)

Oh god, I'm so lonely, I know no one here, it's SO different. I miss...

Final assimilation.

This can take several years. I suggest she was insensitive, but there's a deeper unhappiness. Oh, and go book yourself a trip out there!

Am with Pagwatch.

She is not happy.

She sound lonely. The bragging is her trying to convince herself. So yes she's probably homesick, has no friends, and is bored. As soon as you pulled her up on it, she exploded about her DH being away all the time.

Is he Italian? If so, she's probably already worrying that now they're over there, if she wants out she won't be ABLE to come home with the kids if he doesn't agree.

Not so rosy after all.

Thank you so much all, all your posts have been helpful !

I'm always asking her how she feels and I tell her that I'm really proud of her, it takes courage to decide to leave your home country with your family. I did that long time ago but I was in my early twenties and without children ! It's not the same.

Alone in a big house in a foreign country where you are isolated, don't speak the language, have no friends or family support

She is overcompensating because she is miserable

When moving to a foreign country, people should move to a busy city where they can meet people and improve language skills. Alas, British people rarely do, they only have eyes for the house, sun and swimming pool.

Lost opportunity. She will be back in the UK soon

Well...I don't think you've committed the crime of the century here. It was obviously annoying you. Going on about hating England is pretty insensitive of her, even if she is trying to convince herself her new life is all that, as some posters think. You still live there.

Honestly I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other here. You're not reading from the same page as each other at all at the moment. She could be less self absorbed and you shouldn't have snapped.
But hey, there's none of us perfect. Kiss and make up. x

Mijas - she lives in a village with lots of English expats ! She made friends but none are Italians !

She may hate England but that won't stop her being homesick.

Myfoof - maybe she is finding out how superficial expats are? Full of bullshit and bravado who have moved to a country for completely the wrong reasons

Texting every day is lovely! :)

My great aunt spoke to her best friend on the phone until the day she totally lost her ability to speak, just before she died.

OP I don't blame you for getting snappy. But I'm sure if you're close you can iron it out.

I am a foreigner here in the UK, the first couple of years in a foreign country are very isolating and many get very homesick. A lot of her showing off might just be bravado, proving to herself she made the right choice no matter how much she misses England, her friends, how lonely she or her children are. I'd presume the more she boasts the unhappier she is. She might find it hard to consider your feelings right now that she is so unhappy.

Yesterday, I have asked her if you could stop bragging a bit after being told about the last great thing she is getting at her new home. She exploded saying that I was mean, that I was so lucky to have my Dh back at home every night to help with the ds, to have a cleaner, to have food delivery etc...I know it must be hard to have her Dh gone for some periods of time but at least she doesn't have to work, doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, its for her Dh to worry about.

I think she's been a bit unreasonable to expect you to know about her problems, if she's only been posting the pictures, weather report, house-decoration updates...

However, I think you're quite unreasonable to say, even if only to MN, but at least she doesn't have to work, doesn't have to worry about paying the bills, its for her Dh to worry about. That's not how she feels, and you should acknowledge that!

It sounds as though the texting every day asking how each other are is insufficient. Maybe you two could set aside a longer slot every week, to have a proper catch-up. Both of you sound as though you have a fair amount to offload, and the superficial updates of text and FB aren't doing it for either of you!

You really need to see past the sunbathing pics - most people send a snap when they feel they have something positive to share.

What is she sharing?

She is alone
She has nothing to show you except temperature, and laying still

It is probably the best she can show you!

I would feel sorry for her!

I live abroad (in England), I send snaps of my garden, if you were my friend at home, I would worry that you think I am boasting that spring comes earlier in London than in the Arctic. Or, that we have a different flora to show off here, or that it is warmer. But, in my opinion, my snap would be sent with a "look, finally blooming it is pretty" - and my friends know that I dont have much to show except my garden, and there are hardly ever anybody else in my snaps than my kids.

When my friends back home sends snap from all their mountain hikes, I am so jealous because that is what I have lost. Outdoors life with friends and family. They are not bragging! They are sharing their lives!

I've spent more time than I care to count in contact with English expats (by which I mean people like your friend, who choose to see themselves as expats, rather than simply as people from England who now live elsewhere, and who choose to live surrounded by other people from England, quite possibly not speaking the local language ir having any meaningful contact outside expat circles), and when they harp on about the heat and/or their pool, and how much they 'hate England' to people back home, it's nearly always a sign of unhappiness or worry, or an insecure need to have their choices validated by people who chose differently once the novelty has worn off.

Your 'correct' response (from her point of view) would be to flog yourself about how cold, gloomy and generally awful life is in suburban Wolverhampton/the Outer Hebrides/Ashby de la Zouche, and the immigrants are taking over and the Tories are laying waste to the NHS, and you are wearing mittens and have chilblains in June etc etc etc.

Or of course you could ask her why she's always banging on about the weather, and isn't there anything more exciting going on in her life...?

Well I would rather have my DH home every night with me and the children and be a little strapped for cash than live in a foreign country in a beautiful house but hardly ever see my husband. I would also rather have a job to go to and an interesting daily life than be stranded in a big house on my own with no job / nothing much to do.
It sounds like you are jealous of her situation and she is equally jealous of yours. Both of you need to look at the positive things about your own lives rather than thinking that the grass is greener on the other side (although I do think that your grass is a little greener).

The last time I was being all 'me me me' and bragging, I didn't realise I was doing it. I was very unhappy and trying to reassure myself by putting up a front. If she's doing it excessively and going out of her way too, I would bet she's doing the same especially given how she exploded at you. Do you think perhaps while she's come across bragging with her home, you may have with your DH?

Sounds like you both need to take a step back, stop texting all the time and catch up over real conversation on Skype.

You're being a twat

Old raver - yep, we made up and I told I have been a twat

I think she just wants you to come over and visit her.

Aermingers - I'm going next month :)

I have been an expat for a long time now. I shudder at my attitude in those first few years which were luckily before FB was invented. There is a huge rush of euphoria for the initial few months to year whee people can't even imagine anything so depressing than living in their boring little native country. It doesn't last long, I think it's a bit of a big fish situation, you feel awfully superior and act like a knob. By the time you get to my age you yearn for any old tat that is ye old englishe style and fiercely defend your home town. (I am more involved with the church restoration trust than anyone I know who lives there).
she'll get over it and then feel a bit of an arse, if you really like her just ignore it even though it's galling, as someone else said she's probably a bit bored and lonely.