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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend Text From Ex

51 replies

Alice1983 · 23/06/2015 19:18

Just seen a text message from an Ex on my boyfriends phone. They don't normally talk (that I know of and I'm pretty on the ball) and it just says Hi how are you doing? What you up to these days? so like nothing major and he hasn't responded but he also hasn't mentioned it to me. They haven't spoken in years. AIBU to feel like texting her back and saying *k off? I am not going to but really feel like it (and feel childish for feeling like that)

OP posts:
ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 23/06/2015 20:11

People can answer other people's mobiles without making them a possessive lunatic, it isn't normally a terrible thing. You are normally saying '(s)he is in the bathroom/popped to the shop/school and will be back in 15', and while you can be innocently doing that something can ping up on screen, it is a stretch to think someone is deliberately snooping unless they've said so.

If the situation was wholly innocent per something similar to above and you have no other reason to be suspicious, why don't you just ask him? Seems reasonable to me.

SaucyJack · 23/06/2015 20:16

I think it's weird in the context of you having been together for seven years.

The only ex I speak to after that long is the one I have children with.

I don't really get why you'd just pop on to WhatsApp and say Hi after that amount of time.

TheCatsMother99 · 23/06/2015 20:16

YABU & would do more harm than good if you interfered(as well as look like a crazy bitch)

drmarch · 23/06/2015 20:17

How old are you? You sound like a 12 year old. not mature enough for a relationship. Grow up.

CantBrainToday · 23/06/2015 20:19

Not sure how whats app works but maybe she searched for himand is just being curious? He is just ignoring it cos he doesn't give 2 shits.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 23/06/2015 20:21

Just for some balance, sometimes these contacts are genuinely nothing to worry about (AIBU), and sometimes they are (Relationships Board). You will need to communicate or let this go.

brusselsproutwarning · 23/06/2015 20:24

Back off the lot of you! Are you all in bad moods! Seriously, the op happened to see a whatsapp from her partners ex. I would be wondering too. Why is she texting him. I think that's a normal thing to wonder about. By the way.I'm not 12 either.

SurlyCue · 23/06/2015 20:24

I don't think yabu I'd be fuming!

With who? Confused

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 23/06/2015 20:28

I'm generally not too bothered about exes and have next to no contact with any of mine. I did struggle with current OH at first because he told me 3 weeks in that he was still very good friends with the ex before his last ex 'but it's ok because she's gone back to and she's with someone else now' and he hoped that I could be OK with that, followed by umpteen ' and I used to love this pub/ restaurant/ album and I think you will too' type stuff over the following few months until I completely lost my shit. He doesn't mention her specifically any more but refers to times past in more general/ abstract terms which feels a lot more appropriate to me, and is how I refer to people from my past. I wouldn't trust myself to even glance at his phone because I know I'd find things in there that I would take the wrong way BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO LOL not necessarily because he's up to something. If I were to advise the OP I would suggest that the key thing to me is that he hasn't replied, not that he hasn't told you. And I suspect that he hasn't replied because a ) he doesn't want to reply not least because he can't be bothered or b ) he doesn't want to set you off..? Hmm

biffyboom · 23/06/2015 20:30

It would depend on which ex it was for me. But I guess that's to do with my own issues and insecurities.

msgrinch · 23/06/2015 20:31

Brussels I don't think anyone is in a bad mood. just stating their opinion.

SaucyJack · 23/06/2015 20:34

"I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you say,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead", "

It's just all a bit too Adele for my liking.

Sleepybeanbump · 23/06/2015 20:39

No one is in a bad mood, but this sounds like immature, paranoid and possessive behaviour.

Imagine of the roles were reversed- female poster received random innocent friendly text from ex and male partner.

I'm pretty sure I know what the reaction would- quite rightly so. Everyone would be warning her about being with someone jealous and controlling.

It's a lazy cliche that doesn't do us any favours to think it's ok for women to be jealous and possessive in ways that we would find downright scary in men.

Original poster
Alice1983 · 23/06/2015 20:43

Well the 12 yr old thing is a compliment; I wish Blush
Thanks Shakes. I agree.
Ok I'm might pop it into conversation after few Wine later..he won't care though; he'll brush it off for sure...he won't think anything of it; like you lot Grin

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 23/06/2015 20:45

Well the 12 yr old thing is a compliment; I wish

It really isnt. Not when people are saying you sound like you are 12. Not that you look like you are 12!

BitOfFun · 23/06/2015 20:53

There's nothing wrong with saying "Hey, I answered your phone earlier and a whatsapp message popped up from whatsername- are you back in touch?"

But I'm curious as to why you'd post here first unless you were worried.

The he-can't-pull-the-wool-over-MY-eyes attitude does make you sound a bit like hard work. Have you been this tense about the possibility of him copping off elsewhere for the whole seven years? Because that sounds exhausting.

CloudyWithAChanceOfInsanity · 23/06/2015 21:07

Other posters are right in saying your boyfriend is not your possession...Having said that though, if my DH's mental ex (she's bat shit crazy, there's not enough time in the world to explain some of the vile things she has done to us over the years, to put it mildly, I would quite enjoy watching her dead body rot by a river bank) ever had the nerve to text him, I would be fucking livid!! And would not hesitate to text back/call and tell her to back the fuck off. YANBU to be absolutely furious! And people asking "Why were you going through his phone?", if he has nothing to hide, why should he be bothered about OP looking at his phone?

Notagainmun · 23/06/2015 21:15

I don't think yabu. I wouldn't randomly text an ex bf and would wonder what an ex of my DH wanted if she got in contact out of the blue. I would be suspicious too.

Ok if you bump into them and have a quick chat though.

Notagainmun · 23/06/2015 21:19

Maybe he didn't want to mention it because he thinks it is odd she text out of the blue too and didnt want to upset you.

scarlets · 23/06/2015 21:42

I'm happily in touch with 2 exes on FB after many years apart. It's nice to see news of their children/careers etc. One lives in a beautiful country and travels a lot, so his pics are fab. For me, it's really as innocent as that.

Original poster
Alice1983 · 23/06/2015 22:08

He has one of them crazy ex's too Cloud. Yes I might leave it; I just thought it was weird.....she must be desperate or just really bored....especially after soo long but compared to the lunatic Ex I love this one; might even invite her for a cuppa Brew and some Cake and if he annoys me anymore today I'll send him off to her Grin ..joking aside; thank you all for your replies..It has made me feel more at ease about the situation. Notaga; he just doesn't want any grief Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Alice1983 · 23/06/2015 22:13

It's nice to hear of all the relationships and being able to speak to ex's like adults that we are etc..I know all of that. I have some Ex's like that and don't mind BF having them either; if it's usual but I've not heard from her in my life and now out of the blue she texts..that's what made me think what?

OP posts:
Gabilan · 23/06/2015 22:16

I texted my ex to say happy birthday. It was a big birthday, ending in 0. This may or may not have annoyed his current girlfriend but I've known him for years and we're still friendly towards each other. I respect their relationship and I don't want to get back with him but I don't like losing touch with people.

I wouldn't worry about it unless his actions have at any stage given you cause for concern.

RedKite1985 · 24/06/2015 12:01

she must be desperate or just really bored

or just wondering how he is?

He has probably deleted all previous messages in which he moans to her how possessive you are. She was simply checking up on things

Sallystyle · 24/06/2015 12:14

My husband hasn't spoke to his ex since we got together 10 years ago. If she text him after all this time I would think it was very odd and I would ask him about it.

In internet land people wouldn't blink an eyelid about an ex popping up after 7 years, they would think nothing of it at all. Back in the real world, I think most people would wonder why she is texting after this time and probably would feel a bit cautious about it. Remember on MN, any insecurity in relationships means you are controlling, possessive, 12 years old or an idiot. Again, back in the real world most people understand people feel insecure at times over things like this and wouldn't make out you are a possessive control freak.

I speak to some exes on FB, but these are people I never lost touch with. I am sure it is nothing to worry about at all and she just felt like catching up, but YANBU to have human feelings over it. YWBU to tell her to fuck off though!