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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go from shame to anger?

21 replies

mixedfeelings · 23/06/2015 13:17

Can't believe that I'm sharing this but would really appreciate some advice.
About 10years ago DH and I were really going through a bad time.
Constantly arguing and quite honestly we hated each other.
I was feeling really low, overweight and generally cap about myself and life.
After a particular bad argument I went to the local pub meet a friend and proceeded to get very drunk.
Friend had to go, but a few of my DH friends were there so I stayed for a while. One guy who was not a very close friend of DH and new to the town was there.
He offered to drop me home. I was so drunk, I remember getting home and having another row with my DH and going to bed.
But in the morning I had a flashback of sucking this man's cock in his car..
I was mortified, to this day I don't know what happened (although I'm sure it didn't progress any further).
This man soon disapeared off the scene. I think something was said in the pub because the next time I went there were a few funny looks. I'm not sure if my husband is aware of anything but he is very well known and liked there. When I casually asked him where this man had gone he told me that he had upset one of the other locals and was warned to never go there again.
I was so totally mortified and ashamed. I have never drunk a single drop of alcohol since. I concentrated on sorting out my life and my marriage.
We have since moved away and had a DS. Everything is great.
However, this has been a huge load to carry around all this time. But lately I have been thinking that although I may have instigated things (I really have no idea) this man took advantage of my incredible drunken state.
He wasn't drinking as he was driving.

Or am I just trying to make myself feel less guilty?
I know I should not have put myself in that position and believe me I hate myself for it every single day.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

mixedfeelings · 23/06/2015 13:17

Sorry for typos

OP posts:

DoJo · 23/06/2015 13:33

It sounds like a very difficult situation, but I'm not sure that anger over what happened is any more productive than your previous feelings about the incident. Hating yourself, feeling ashamed, feeling guilty - none of these are actually helping you to deal with the situation, and you have used the events of that night to build a strong and happy marriage which might otherwise not have happened. I know it's easier said that done, but could you try and focus on the good that came out of the situation rather than the events themselves, especially if your memory isn't clear and you don't really know what happened. for you though - it must be difficult to deal with and I hope you can put it behind you and move forwards.

mmollytoots · 23/06/2015 13:37

it is a shame you done it and also got that drunk.

but you need to move o a focus your energy on your dp and the future

BeenWondering · 23/06/2015 13:37

We have since moved away and had a DS. Everything is great.

Focus on this. As such, I don't think you should laugh a grenade in your marriage for the sake of relieving yourself of residual guilt or shame.

You were at a low ebb, very vulnerable and by the sounds of it very drunk. Those do not excuse your actions but you made a mistake. The feelings you have manifesting in self-hatred and shame are entirely natural but it's not healthy for you to keep reliving the past and torturing yourself over it. Put it in a box and put it out of your mind. How long ago did it happen?

Number3cometome · 23/06/2015 13:37

This is a difficult one.

If you feel that the man took advantage of you and you were forced to do something that you didn't consent to (whether drunk or not) then that is wrong and I do not believe he should be allowed to get away with it.

However, if it were me personally, I think I would leave things alone.

You possibly risk upsetting things at home if you do decide to go down the route of pursuing (charges?) against this guy.

Perhaps you need to talk this through with your GP and have some counselling? That may help you to make an informed decision.

Very sorry OP, sometimes we do things we regret, but again, I reiterate if you feel you were taken advantage of then that is something totally different.

BeenWondering · 23/06/2015 13:39

*launch a grenade into your marriage that should say.

LayMeDown · 23/06/2015 13:43

Gosh. How sure are you about what happened? I mean I have been absolutely blotto on occasion but I have never forgotten sexual encounters or.what proceeded them. Is it possible that this guy spiked your drink? TBH I think this may have been what happened. Especially if this was very out of character behavior for you.
I think you are right to be angry. Whether doped or not you were clearly in no fit state to consent and this man was clearly taking advantage of you. Any decent man would have stopped you.
Considering the lapse of time and the risk to your family of this coming out I would try to forget it and move on. Maybe seek some counselling yourself if you find the memories traumatic? Good luck

FadedRed · 23/06/2015 13:50

Maybe a call to a 'sexual assault/rape crisis' helpline would help you off load in an entirely anonymous manner and this would help you to work out what is best to do for the future. It may be that after discussing this with a trained and knowledgeable 'stranger' you will feel that you can move on.

Original poster

mixedfeelings · 23/06/2015 13:55

Thank you for your replies.
It happened about 10 years ago.
In no way do I want to report it or get this guy in any trouble. I never want to tell my DH either because we are so happy now.
I do want to let it go but after 10 years of torturing myself I started to think that maybe I had been taken advantage of?
As I said I don't want to pursue it legally but after reading things about consent and drunkeness it got me thinking.
Occasionally we pop back to this town to visit friends and I'm terrified of either bumping into him or someone bringing it up.

OP posts:

LayMeDown · 23/06/2015 13:59

Look no one is going to bring it up. If this guy was shooting his mouth off people probably didn't believe him. Especially if later he fell out with others and isn't generally well liked. If it ever comes up just outright deny it ever happened.

LayMeDown · 23/06/2015 14:01

No one is going to say to you 'oh I nears you have X a blow job in his car 10 years ago'. Who would ever bring up such a subject let alone in front of DP. And as I said look mystified, disgusted and annoyed. And say 'Of course I didn't...'

amarmai · 23/06/2015 14:04

I doubt it was your idea to s h c. Focus on the present and don't destroy your present life by thinking about what may have happened in the past. You were not responsible when you were so drunk and if you only have partial memories , it sounds like you were drugged. Forgive yourself . Definitely do not allow this to destroy your's,your child's and your husband's lives. You have done penance for too long. I've never tried it but read that it can help to write it and burn it. Also think that the catholic church's confession system sounds useful.

TwinkieTwinkle · 23/06/2015 14:10

It doesn't sound like she was drugged, it sounds like she was very drunk, like she said. OP, no good can come of bringing this up to your husband. You have punished yourself for 10 years! You need to find a way to let it go, for your sake and his. I really hope you can find a way to move on.

Becauseicannes · 23/06/2015 14:17

Unless you are sure it happened, it didn't. You are in a shame spiral and I think you should have counselling to move through it.

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/06/2015 14:18

I agree with everyone else. Forgive yourself and forget it. Telling your DH now would only be for your benefit, to unload your conscience. And what did you really do wrong? You were drunk and accepted a lift from someone who should not have taken advantage of you in that state. There's nothing to worry about. Ten years on, the gossip if there was any, will have moved on hundreds of times.

Original poster

mixedfeelings · 23/06/2015 19:07

Thank you all so much for replying and also not judging.
As I said before there is no way I want to tell DH.
Any advise on how I can forget it all?
LayMeDown thank you but I'm not a very good actor. I think I would look so embarrassed if it was ever bought up

OP posts:

Holden10 · 23/06/2015 19:29

Are you sure it happened? Drunk dreams can be quite realistic! No advice but

kesstrel · 23/06/2015 19:29

I think anger at him is better for you, psychologically, than blaming yourself. And it is also realistic - because it is absolutely true that, if this did happen, he should have stopped you. So in my view, this shift in the way you are perceiving this is how a good cognitive behavioral therapist would try to get you to see it. That, and that a single mistake when you were in a bad patch is no more than that - a mistake.

At the same time, it's important not to brood over this kind of thing, because that stops you from getting over it. There are techniques called "thought-stopping" or "thought-switching" that you could use, if you want to google them. I personally find that focusing on some non-emotional thinking activity whenever something like this enters my mind really helps - I use French vocabulary! - but anything that requires rational, logical thinking and doesn't push any emotional buttons is good.

karbonfootprint · 23/06/2015 19:34

You don't really know what happened, and there is absolutly no way to find out. If you were in the wrong, forgive yourself now. If he was in the wrong, forgive him. It is most likely that you both were, although who know to what extent?

BolshierAyraStark · 23/06/2015 19:40

You don't actually know if this happened or not so torturing yourself is pointless. Forget it & focus on your life now.

grapejuicerocks · 23/06/2015 19:42

It was a one off mistake. You've learnt from it and will never repeat it. We all make mistakes that we cringe at later.

Forgive yourself. You a a different person to then, and in a better place emotionally. Let it go. Don't give it another thought and whatever you do, never admit it. Why spoil things and upset your dh for something that happened ten years ago?
It's time to let go of the past.

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