DP's pushy friends and family

[PeggySangtheBlues]

Had to nc for this as I think someone involved is on here... sorry. Don't want to drip feed but will try to keep it short.

DP and I aren't married yet. We have been together 4 years and are very happy. We bought a house last year and are working on our careers before having children. It's a conscious decision.

We are both 27. We have spoken about kids and marriage and will get to them when we are ready (which is not yet). In my opinion, this isn't anyone else's business but ours.

DP is from a naice nuclear-style family is a naice village by a rather expensive town - public schooled, sunday schooled etc etc - all very lovely. He has two younger sisters who both still live near home (we dont) and still many close friends that he went to school with.

In the last two months, one of DP's sisters got married and the other one got engaged straight after. Pretty much all of DP's old "home friends" (i.e. friends he went to school with - I think people remain very close after public school maybe?) are married or engaged. A couple aren't, but 90% are, and there are a lot of them.

Every single time we see these people, or his sisters and their partners, the conversation turns to marriage. This is most likely because so many people are engaged, but the conversation almost always turns to us. I am so sick of people asking me why we're not married, making comments like "oh well it'll be you two next" and "you should get a move on" etc. We saw the friends a couple of weeks ago and again this weekend for bbqs and the talk has now graduated to them actually planning what we would have as our wedding venue and how I might get round my family issues for it. I should also point out that last time we went to see DP's family, his sister actually made me try on her engagement ring to see what ring size I was! No amount of telling her it was pointless would appease her. After that, her husband, a doctor no less, told me (direct quote) - "as a doctor, I want to tell you that you should have children within the next 7 years or I wouldn't be able to tell you to continue trying in all good conscience... for the sake of your health".

DP lets all of this wash over him. I try to turn it into a joke as much as possible, but I have now started to feel very uncomfortable and pressured. It's our decision and I feel like we're being held to a standard that everyone else thinks is correct and are being judged for not agreeing!

I try to speak to DP about this, but he is so blind where his family and friends are concerned. He did admit that they went too far this weekend when a friend made the comment that "you better get married soon or we will all have kids and we wont stay at your wedding past 8pm as we'll have to go home", but he wont say anything to them to stop it.

I have told him that, next time, I am going to say something (not sure what yet but it will be fairly cutting if they push me as far as they did this weekend). He says I will cause awkwardness and its not meant to be mean or uncomfortable etc. So MN jury - AIBU to want to tell them to fuck the hell off?

Slightly irritating but the doc had a point, have you not seen the headlines about reduced fertility from 35. Yes there are plenty of counter examples but if kids are on your radar at all then it's worth a think.

The rest is just one of those things, tell them to be quiet.

When not talking about marriage does conversation run freely? There are members of DPs family and friends that when I am with I can guarantee what the subject of conversation will be. Mainly due to very different background with little common ground and I am quite shy.

I can see why it would be annoying, but it honestly sounds like good natured teasing.

Perhaps you could try addressing it head on, but in a light-hearted way. Something like 'right you lot, discussions about our plans for marriage & babies, or lack of them, are limited to a maximum of 10 minutes each time we see you. Shall we do it now to get it over and done with?'

I'm not quite sure why, but your description of his 'naice' upbringing has rankled me a little. It sounds a bit disparaging.

I think you're overthinking it a little. People can be annoying going on about marriage and babies but you just need to be straight with them. Getting caught up worrying about their naice posh lives and public school sounds a little as though you are feeling inferior? You've hinted a few times there are family issues your side?

I think you are over thinking it and are being a bit wishy washy with your responses. Rather than giving jokey replies you just need to say something along the lines of,

Look, I understand you are not meaning to be rude or nosy but I don't like being questioned about when we will have children or get married. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I would like you to stop ... Then move the conversation on to something else more cheery.

It's polite and clear. Repeat whenever needed.

As you will need to save to pay for an expensive wedding, there are family 'ishooes' and your're both busy people why don't you drop into conversation that any wedding will likely be abroad with just you and DP on a secluded Caribbean beach and you'll let them know after the event. And I also like Cunty's approach

By the way a few humdinger rows early on a in relationship help set the scene - don't be a push over - stand your ground now. If you don't you'll get the 'but you never used to mind' repost.

IME it can take a while for people with pushy relatives to see the wood for the trees and learn to stand up to them. I'd apply that to both myself and DP. Keep assertively reminding him that you are not a pushover and will not be controlled by his family – not in a nasty way, just calm and matter-of-fact. This will matter even more if and when you do marry and/or have children – so as Potter says, lay the groundwork now.

"Omg not this tired old subject again!! I'll have to re-think marrying dp at some point in the future if you're going to bore me to death in the meantime going on about it"

I dare you.

I think this will stop when they have all had their weddings - when you are in the middle of that stage of your life, the stage where all your money seems to go to John Lewis gift lists and there's a wedding or hen/stag do every weekend from April to end of August, then obviously, weddings are something that gets brought up and people just assume "it'll be your turn next" because, well, everyone does seem to be taking it in turns...

then suddenly it's babies, around 30, everyone had their first baby, there was lots of "oh, it'll be you next" to everyone, married or not, who was in a relationship, because, well, everyone was....

By mid-30s, most of mine and DH's friends have completed their families, if they aren't married, we're not expecting them to. I can't remember the last time I had a 'wedding related' conversation in real life, be it talking to someone getting married or talking about what to wear to someone else's wedding.

In the meantime, a good way to stop the conversations would be something like "oh, I see the very good legal arguments for being married if you're planning children, but I'm really not interested in a wedding day. If we did do it, we'd probably be the 'nip off to the registary office in our lunch break and not tell anyone' types. Sorry, not interested in throwing a big party here!" (actuallythere are good legal arguments for being married when you have DCs, worth putting into your thinking.)

Actually, with family like this, I would be tempted to just do a registary office, lunchtime affair and then next time be able to say, "oh, but [DH] and I are married already! we couldn't be bothered with a big wedding. I thought you knew? Sorry, I left it up to him to decide who needed to know from his side..."

If they say they won't be able to stay past 8 say 'nevermind, my friends are still fun, be reet'

DinosaursRoar

I was going to say the same, just get married with no fuss. You don't even need rings.

I can see this annoys you and buying a house together is usually a pretty big sign of commitment. Perhaps DP is refusing to blast his family and friends because he's hoping they'll just shut up and leave you to your own timetable. Old friends can be very protective, maybe they just want to see him settled with you like they are.

Or for devilment look thoughtful and say maybe a joint wedding with the sister and her fiance might be an idea.

Another thought, right now, it suits them for you to throw a big wedding - in a few years, when they do have DCs, they won't bother nagging you about it, because they are right, they'll have to either sort out childcare, or leave early. Just read some of the wedding angst threads on here, once you have DCs, a whole day to late night 'do' is a nightmare to deal with. They will actually be hoping you'll go off somewhere and quietly get married just the two of you...

It never stops. 18 years together and "engaged" for 14 of them and we still get asked about when we are getting married, although not so much now. Plus side since I hit 40 is that they've stopped asking about children!

OP I'd use one of the politely worded responses from PPs or CuntyCow's fab response. If that doesn't stop it then go in hard with the "will you fucking shut up about marriage and children" stance and shock them into it.

As for your DP I think you do need to have a hard conversation about how defensive he gets and get him to wise up. This stuff festers and can break up a partnership long term so you need to get it sorted now.

Patrician - your mistake was to get engaged, engaged is supposed to be something that's a temporary situation until married. I wouldn't ask a couple who were just living together if they were getting married soon, I would ask a couple who were engaged when they planned to get married, as getting engaged is supposed to mean "we are planning to get married in the near future" (as in "engaged to be married").

(oh and OP, I don't think the closeness is due to public schooling, it's just due to most of them not moving far away so they can keep in touch easily, any area where most people have lived in only a short distance from their childhood home you do get much more 'tight knit' friendship groups, many of which if those individuals had all moved into the area from elsewhere, they wouldn't be friends now).

OP, to answer your questions about why I'd think it strange to wait - It's because I'm from the school of thought that weddings needn't be expensive. If you have city jobs I'm assuming you can find a few hundred pounds for a registry office. Your family issues don't sound like the type that would have gone away in a few years so I don't see that as a good reason to delay?

I think, like other posters have suggested that the odd thing is that you want to do it in a number of years time. I wouldn't find it odd at all if you said that marriage wasn't for you, or that you only want to be married once you had decided to have children.

Regardless, these people are rude if they keep asking you questions about your own intentions as it's really none of their business. I suggest a light 'that's not for us for now' and change the subject.

Refer them to your OH, then he might see how annoying it is!

Dinosaurs I know but he was offering to buy me diamonds so who was I to say no? We do intend to get married at some point and even I didn't think that we'd still be saying that 14 years later!

'It's strange, the more you talk and talk and talk about it, the less keen I get! you know, every time we meet I get more convinced that we might not bother at all!'

One serious point. I think you need to sit your DP down at some point in the very near future and say something like - 'we need to be very clear about something. If we're going to decide to be committed to one another, to have children, to be a family, then you need to know that I will not be prepared to do so unless I know in my heart that I come first with you, and that the family we create will be the one which you stand up and be counted for. I understand that you feel great love and loyalty to your family and I absolutely never want to stand in the way of that: I love them too. But the moment that loyalty becomes such that I, your partner, feel that I can't speak honestly to you about my fears, issues, concerns, because you will jump to their defence without even being prepared to listen to me as a partner should, then that loyalty turns from something positive into something corrosive - to you, to our relationship.

If I feel I can't criticise your family and feel that you wouldn't ever be willing to side with me over them if the need arose, then our relationship will fail at some point. I won't be second with the person who is supposed to be my life partner. So you need to think about what you really want here, what you are being loyal to, and how you want to express that.'

I think you are over thinking it, they are just trying to make casual conversation.

but - I totally agree with Sylvanians comments above, if your DP's attitude of one of wanting to spend lots of time with his family and friends, and being too involved in their opinions etc etc I think you will have harder problems to face in the future.

Sylvanians has a good point.

They sound incredibly tiresome. Is nothing else at all going on in their lives? And I would have told the medic where he could stick his patronising fertility advice. Are you sure you eventually want to marry in to this over-involved group???

You say they supported your DP through something big in the past- doesn't mean that they are actually good people- and all this stuff is just peripheral rubbish?

Tell them you have to wait for your divorce to come through. Or for the final stage of the gender reassignment op.

I had a pushy Auntie who kept asking when we were having kids, so I told her DH was impotent. She never asked again. (He thought this was hilarious.)