to be p'd off about dd's father's day card.

[MsColouring]

Exh hasn't worked for four years to avoid paying maintenance. I work full time and pay for everything for the children. He does have regular contact but makes my life difficult at every opportunity.

So DD made a Father's day card at school. List poem inside. One of the lines was 'hard worker' (as well as 'TV watcher').

AIBU to feel thoroughly p'd off about this but as usual say nothing because my kids have to make their own mind up about their dad.

How old is she? She probably just copied from a list of suggestions on the whiteboard.

I can understand why you are frustrated but being pissed off about it won't change anything.

Seethe quietly but don't let dd know how you feel

She is 9. And she probably did just copy suggestions off the board. Just dislike him being described this way.

Does she know he doesn't work? It could well be a case that this is what she wants from a dad, or thinks a perfect dad should be like. If there was a list of suggestions and something she picked as a "good attribute" from the list was "hard worker", perhaps you should see it in terms of what she sees is desirable in a parent. And you are the one showing that to her.

Does she even realise he doesn't work?

I try and avoid having conversations with her about her dad. She already knows there's tension and I don't want her to pick up on my bitterness. I think it has come up in conversation.

I think I got to about 19/20 when I realised my dad was a bit rubbish. I used to buy him cards with very little wording and avoid the gushing 'Fantastic dad' ones etc

I always found that the children who had parents who let them down were the ones that wrote lovely things about them in cards. The one that remains with me is a little girl whose mother had gone off with another man and she made a beautiful card full of things like 'thank you for all that you do for me' and she waited all Mother's Day for her mother to visit and she never turned up. So sad. Maybe they write about what they would like it to be. Children are incredibly loyal.

Ha ha - sarcastic kids are great, aren't they?

That's really sad Mehitabel6.
Try not to think about it OP, you know who does what in the situation.

I like the 'TV watcher' line.
Concentrate on that :)

You never know, he may feel embarrassed when he reads that line, he should do, he can't actually feel it's an accurate description.

Oh, it's hard I know but she's young yet. She'll realise in time and will need you to help her understand and deal with the fact that it's him not her.

Teenage DD has posted, "step-dads are awesome. They step up when real Dads step down" on her Facebook wall where feckless XH will see it

I'd be tempted to add quotation marks around the hard worker bit to give a sarcastic message, but I am a bit of a sarcy cow!

Oh Charity, what a fantastic understanding your DD has of what a father is.

Why can't he be described as a hard worker just because he does not have paid employment?

Lots of people (on and off Mumsnet) work very hard but not unpaid employment. I think you are projecting your very reasonable frustration that he is not paid employment and possibly your thoughts as to why he isn't (of course he may have blatantly told you that is why), and your perception that he should not make your life difficult (I agree that we could all be a little nicer than we have to - I can';t make him agree with me on that).

I think you are wise to leave your children to make their own decisions about how their Dad has treated them, children aren't stupid, they will see through him in the end.

What on earth makes you think someone who has not worked for four years to avoid paying anything towards the upkeep of his child (who doesn't live with him) is a hard-worker.
Are you 9 too?

can't you underline 'tv watcher', and put a line through 'hard worker'.

Or - if he mentions it brightly say 'Yes - who know someone her age would get irony! She's so smart'' With a huge cheesy grin :)

Do not get involved. She will realise for herself in time.

Pressone, whilst I agree that you don't have to go to work to be a hard worker I do not feel this applies to him. As well as working I have to organise everything for the children, haircuts, clubs, shopping trips for uniform etc. I get their uniform home after a weekend at their dad's unwashed. I don't know what he does with his time but I know from living with him that 'hard worker' does not describe him.

Ruskin:
MsColouring states that her ex has not worked for 4 years. She then states that this is to avoid paying maintenance. Whilst sentence 1 may be factually true, sentence 2 is her assumption regarding why - unless her ex has specifically told her (and she hasn't enlightened us) that he is not working specifically to avoid paying maintenance. It may be that he is disabled or has other caring responsibilities, or he may be studying to get a better job to provide for his children rather than minimum wage. or he may be a work-shy Disney Dad.

Whatever the truth is unless the child is in danger from the NRP the RP should not interfere in the relationship between their child and their other parent. OP has stated this is her position and it appears she is venting her frustration on mumsnet before she paints on that smile and sticks a stamp (that she has paid for) on to the card and spends her time walking her daughter to the post box, or reminding her daughter to put the card in her bag to keep the relationship with her Dad going.

MsC thank you for clarifying why you don't think your ex is a hard worker - it was unclear if your assertion he wasn't sprang from fact or frustration!

HagOtheNorth thank you. I'm adopted so was sort of brought up with the idea myself.

I once had to deal with an altercation in the playground; child in the playground, bloke trying to talk through the fence bars.
Except she took a few steps back and screamed ' X is my dad, not you. I'm just a shag you had ten years ago, X is my dad so fuck off'
And he did.
Her mum's partner had been her dad for over 5 years, and she knew what being a father really meant.

"and he did"