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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's rude to suggest expensive presents

18 replies

Turquoisetamborine · 20/06/2015 17:18

My step mother came into our family about 5 years ago. My dad was widowed before this (not my mother).
Before she came along, myself and my brother would get token presents for our dad for Father's Day, birthdays etc. Normally spending no more than £20. I would make sure it was something nice that he would use but see no point in spending money that I can't afford on him when he is substantially better off than us.
I have a very large family and buy for about 45 people at Christmas and for birthdays so have to be careful with the amounts we spend.
The last three years or so, we have been getting a text about a month before suggesting presents to buy for our dad. They range from a new mountain bike to aftershave costing £80. Never anything below the £80 mark. I never comply with her suggestions and just do my own thing but I'm getting sick of her not getting the hint that we choose our own gifts. My dad was never bothered about receiving expensive gifts from us before so I don't think it's coming from him. I just wish she'd get the hint!
Dad is the type to buy himself whatever he wants and is not short of cash at all. He is aware I'm on maternity leave at the moment and have other financial commitments such as paying off the thousands we have spent on IVF the last couple of years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turquoisetamborine · 20/06/2015 17:19

Sorry I didn't say the texts come from my stepmother. She's into big gestures for birthdays etc

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2015 17:21

Don't hint. Text back, "thanks, no need of suggestions".

Leaflitter · 20/06/2015 17:22

Very very rude and should be firmly ignored.

I hate any present request emails unless you've asked for suggestions (or you've always done it that way).

Also, IMO it's very weird to expect expensive presents to go up the generations. Unless the parents are much worse off than the offspring, it's quite normal for the parents NOT to want an expensive gift from their children.

namechangeagaimm · 20/06/2015 17:23

YANBU. This would piss me off. You should be able, as an adult, to choose whichever gift you like. I think only children should be given gifts, adults just a card, but that's mainly cos I'm always skint and I'd rather spend money on my ds and I'm a bit of a grinch.

GinUpGirl · 20/06/2015 17:23

YANBU. I would just carry on as your are.

NRomanoff · 20/06/2015 17:25

If she is in to big gestures then she probably doesn't think £80 is expensive. Carry on ignoring or tell her you don't have that amount of money available.

Your daddy be aware of your circumstances, but is he aware of the types of presents she is suggesting?

Since you don't buy what she suggests I don't see the issue

QuiteLikely5 · 20/06/2015 17:25

Why not talk to your dad about it or better still tell her your on a budget so sadly can't afford her suggestions.

ShesAStar · 20/06/2015 17:27

Personally I prefer to keep the peace where family is concerned so I would text back 'thanks for the suggestion, but I've already got an idea of what I want to get for Dad'.

mrsfuzzy · 20/06/2015 17:30

if she likes big gestures let her spend vast amounts, meanwhile in the real world you need to concentrate on you dh and baby congrats ! dad will know that you can't put a price on lfe and a long a waited for gc will mean much more that a nasty smelling aftershave [might be me but i've found the dearer they are the worse they sometimes smell.

Pagwatch · 20/06/2015 17:32

As she is persisting I would reply immediately to the text with.
'Many thanks but I don't need suggestions for presents for my dad. I promise I will ask you if I ever do'

My mums partner used to talk to me about my mother as if I did' know her. I took for years. In the end we were sitting in a restaurant and, when she went out, he said 'mum thinks such and such'

I said 'can I stop you there. I'd be really grateful if you could stop explaining my mother to me. It's inappropriate, unnecessary - it annoys me and honestly, it makes you look foolish'

It worked.
He remains a dull know it all but he doesn't do that anymore.

ilovesooty · 20/06/2015 17:32

Yes, I think I'd just text back "Thanks gift is in hand".

Corygal · 20/06/2015 17:35

Achingly greedy. We all know someone who does this, don't we? Just keep ignoring texts.

Eminado · 20/06/2015 17:41

"
My mums partner used to talk to me about my mother as if I did' know her. I took for years. In the end we were sitting in a restaurant and, when she went out, he said 'mum thinks such and such'

I said 'can I stop you there. I'd be really grateful if you could stop explaining my mother to me. It's inappropriate, unnecessary - it annoys me and honestly, it makes you look foolish'"

I would clear out my bank ac to have seen the look on his face

Pagwatch · 20/06/2015 17:56

It was one of those moments that you map out in your head and then reality matches it.
I had waited years

Original poster

Turquoisetamborine · 20/06/2015 18:57

leaflitter yes that's very true about not expecting expensive gifts to go up the generations. She actually suggested we give him £100 cash for his birthday last month! I know my dad and I know he wouldn't have accepted cash from us!! He would have been embarrassed about it.
It's the other way round usually and he likes to treat us, he always insists on paying if we eat out etc.

pagwatch that must have been extremely satisfying. I would love to say that but she takes offence very easily and has a chip on her shoulder about my mother so I couldn't without causing major problems.

I will continue as suggested and text back that I've already bought the gift. I just can't believe she persists when I never go along with her suggestions!
She did once say that we don't seem to make much of a fuss about occasions in our family. We do about kids but not adults unless it's a big birthday.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/06/2015 18:59

Pagwatch - you are awesome!!

Turquoise - I think I'd be direct with her - politely but firmly tell her that her suggestions are way out of your budget, and you are quite happy that you can think of plenty of things your dad will like - what with having known him all your life!

londonrach · 20/06/2015 19:03

I always got my df beer for his fathers day. Spend £10. Dh was shocked today saying no presssies for fathers day nice card instead and time spend and meal out. We were also shocked when did fathers dad become grandadas dad and why are there cards for husband for fathers dad. Sorry we had an urgent look today for fil. (Im organised and my df card been sent but dh been working as this dad creeped up, luckily seeing him tomorrow so and delivered) Never ever spend above £20 for dad's pressie, even birthsay as not had the money. Very rude op. Yanbu.

scarlets · 20/06/2015 19:07

Next time you see her, explain that you're not ignoring her ideas, which are very good ones; it's just that the budget doesn't stretch that far. Say you'd welcome suggestions in the £20 range, however, given that she, as his OH, has got the best idea of what he needs/wants.

If she responds with a rude, pejorative comment about your budget, you can then get less polite and tell her to stop texting you about it because you're in no position to spend more.

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