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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School residential

49 replies

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 20/06/2015 13:58

Dd (8, year 3) has a 4 night residential school trip in April 2016 (she'll have just turned 9). A £35 deposit must be paid by the end of June to secure her place.

It looks fabulous and she would enjoy all the activities. The school has been doing the trip for many years and according to the parents of children who have been, it's brilliant fun and very well organised.

However, she's adamant she doesn't want to go due to missing us. I'm thinking that she could change her mind in the next 9 months and be upset to miss out, so I want to pay the deposit and take the hit if she still doesn't want to go when it comes to paying the full cost 8 weeks prior.

Dh says no, don't pay the deposit and if she changes her mind - tough.

AIBU to just sneakily send the deposit in anyway? It's such a good opportunity. 9 months is a long time in the life of an 8 year old and she might be raring to go when the time comes!

OP posts:

AdventureBe · 20/06/2015 15:34

I think you're right, she will change her mind and if you can afford to lose the money, then that's a good idea, but you can't do it without telling/agreeing it with DH IMHO

OTOH, a default setting of "I don't want to go" every time something a bit scary comes up does mean you miss out on loads in life, so maybe missing out because of her own decision would be the better lesson, long term

Topseyt · 20/06/2015 15:47

I would stop discussing it with your DD because she may well just dig her heels in about the not wanting to go thing if you do.

Contact the school office on Monday. Say that you are reasonably sure she will change her mind in the run-up to the trip, but for now she is saying no. You want to prevent her being disappointed later on, and are prepared to take a hit on the deposit if needs must. Ask if you can pop in to pay the deposit yourself, without involving her at all. Could you perhaps go in 10 minutes before the end of school one afternoon and just hand over the money? Emphasise that you do not want them to tell DD what you have done, and agree in advance what she will be told if she should notice you going in (say something like you had forgotten to pay dinner money, or for x, y, z so had come along a little early to put it right. Any old yarn will do as long as it is consistent.

See what they suggest. I'd be willing to bet they have come across this before.

That way, if she changes her mind and wants to go you will have no problem as she will already have a space. If she remains adamant that she doesn't then she need not be any the wiser.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 20/06/2015 16:06

Then if everyone who wants to go can, id you can afford to, pay the deposit and see how she felt nearer the time.

It could go one of two ways. Hearing her friends get excited might make her want to go. Or it could further cement the idea of not being away from home if it's a constant topic of discussion.

TeenAndTween · 20/06/2015 17:08

This is important
By paying the deposit are you actually committing to the whole cost of the trip? I think you should check this. It may be fine and all you are risking is the deposit, but it is possible you may be liable for the whole amount.

muminhants1 · 20/06/2015 17:19

In your shoes I would pay the deposit. It's very harsh to expect her to make a decision now for something in 9 months time and then miss out if she feels differently. Children mature at different rates and in 9 months time she might be ready for it.

If you can afford to lose the £35 if she doesn't change her mind there's no harm done. I think there would be a lot more harm done if she did change her mind and DH said "well you've learnt a hard lesson". Too mean in my view. She's only 8.

AdventureBe · 20/06/2015 17:26

You need to be aware though OP, that you'll have to keep making this decision.

ATM it's £35 but when's the next payment due?

Also, would securing her place mean another child couldn't go?

Fairyliz · 20/06/2015 17:28

As a primary school business manager I say go into the office and explain the situation.
In my experience these residential type places can always manage to fit in a couple of extra children last minute i.e I booked for 38 children and then booked two more two weeks before the trip was due to go.

(Funnily enough when someone can't go due to illness they have always incurred 'costs' which means they can't refund any monies paid)

grumpysquash · 20/06/2015 17:43

8 is not all that young. I would re-open the conversation with DD, talk about what activities there will be, friends going etc. and see what she says. If she doesn't want to go after all the information (how about looking at the website of the venue together?), then I wouldn't pay the deposit. If she changes her mind, you can ask about it later, but it might be a hard lesson (but not, actually, all that bad as she will be able to go in years 5&6). In my experience it's far worse when a DC really wants to go on the trip, but doesn't get picked out of the hat and has to stay behind when friends are going :(

littlejohnnydory · 20/06/2015 17:43

I wouldn't but £35 is a lot for us to lose, would mean sacrificing a day out or an activity. Completely up to you though. I wouldn't mind if one of mine didn't go though, plenty of time for residentials, if she wanted to go nearer the time I'd just get her excited about doing something as a family instead.

Feelingworriednow · 20/06/2015 18:09

I've just finished sorting out our Y2 overnight trip for the autumn term. We ALWAYS have children who say they don't want to go but end up having a brilliant time, even the ones who have never been away from mum and dad before. We always get last years children to come and talk to them about it, as I agree gushing enthusiasm works wonders, and show them last years photo story. We always get one or two who don't go and last year they both asked to go on the morning of the trip after seeing everyone else with their kit and sleeping bags, which is of course too late. Cue lots of tears...
See if you can find out if there is something in particular worrying them. One of my class has a yoghurt phobia, as in he vomits if even near it! So we have made this years yoghurt free! If they are worried about leaving teddy, I show them the photos story with everyone holding their teddies, even me. Be brave! Go for it! I hope she has a wonderful time!

momb · 20/06/2015 18:19

If you can afford to take the hit then pay te deposit, after telling your DH. Then spend the few months getting her ready to be away from you: sleepovers at Grandparents or close friends perhaps. Three or four successful nights should build up her confidence enough.
I'm a Brownie leader who runs a lot of residentials: the ONLY time we can't settle girls/they are unable to enjoy the trip more than they miss home is if there are problems at home and they feel they need to be there: Over 300 girl nights over the last 5 years: divorce, separation, illness (at home) are the only reasons they don't cope.

If you think she will get lots out of it then prepare her: as you say: April is ages away.

Original poster

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 20/06/2015 20:24

Thanks again everyone. Dd has been to grandparents over night a few times and is fine. She's quite clingy to me though, takes her time with goodnight kisses and cuddles etc, so it's probably the night times she's thinking of. She's quite an empathetic child - if she sees another child upset, it upsets her - so that could be a problem if anyone else is feeling homesick. She's also a bit fussy with food but this place looks like it has loads of choice so I can't see her having any problems food wise. But, in 9 months she could have matured loads.

OP posts:

Original poster

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 20/06/2015 20:27

Oops pressed send too fast. But the activities are right up her street. Rock climbing, abseiling, laser quest etc. She loves all that

OP posts:

ninaaa · 20/06/2015 22:01

If you can afford the loss, I would pay the deposit. She may change her mind, kids can mature a lot at that age.

But in saying that, year 4 is really quite young for a 4 night residential trip, and I would be worried about homesickness. You should try and build up longer stays e.g. at grandparents as she has only been away from you overnight.

I agree that the night times will be hardest, during the day she would be too busy having fun to be homesick, but at night away from you and in unfamiliar surroundings she could get homesick.

nowttodowithme · 20/06/2015 22:06

My DD is 8 and will be going to on similar trip next year.

She's already fretting about leaving me (it's just the two of us). But I will be paying the deposit, and doing everything to encourage her until they go.

Luckily it's not too far to travel if it was so bad she needed to come home!

I'd pay it and win her round.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 20/06/2015 23:00

I'd pay deposit, to give her the opportunity if she changes her mind.

I'd also remind your DH that she is only 8. Much too young for 'that will teach her'...

I'm paying a 145 euro deposit for next year orchestra for DD1. If I force an answer now, it is no. If we wait until Sept, it may be yes. No child who met required standard has not been offered a place. So why not buy some time...

But this year she gets final decision, so I might have to kiss goodbye to my deposit. I'll take the chance.

Original poster

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 22/06/2015 19:34

Op here.

Update: She's had a sudden change of heart. Looking on the website and talking about getting a new tooth brush and pj's has made her excited

I'm writing the cheque right now to hand in tomorrow before she changes her mind again! Fingers crossed she'll still be happy to go in 9 months!

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

CamelHump · 22/06/2015 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feebeecat · 22/06/2015 20:41

Glad she changed her mind. No doubt she'll do that once or twice again before the trip!

I had one who was adamant she wasn't going on the yr4 trip - started telling me so in yr2. Like your dd she is a bit of a softie who didn't want to leave me (never stopped away over night before), but who would also love all the activities. She got excited at the new pjs/bag etc but still not sure. Was hard work on the day jollying her along/getting her on the coach, but she had a brilliant time. She was a bit homesick, but staff expect it & she was pretty exhausted so crashed out every night. She came home absolutely buzzing.

She's got another one in October & we've had the odd wobble already - I expect more, but also know once she's on her way she'll have a great time. Hope your dd does too!

grannytomine · 22/06/2015 21:26

At my kids school, years ago, they used to do a sleep over in the school hall in year 4, just one night and they did it twice during the year. Year 5 they did a two night visit somewhere and in year 6 they did a whole week in Wales. It was a brilliant way to get them used to being away. They loved the sleepover at school, took sleeping bags and played in the field, all walked down to the local chippie for Friday night fish and chips. That was al it cost us by the way the price of the fish and chips. I thought it was great and the lovely thing was all the kids could afford it and they all did it. Almost all of them went on the year 5 and 6 trips as well, I think only one girl didn't go in each year.

I would talk to him about it but wouldn't force it.

grannytomine · 22/06/2015 21:27

Sorry meant you daughter, I have sons on the brain.

Bunnyjo · 22/06/2015 22:02

Your DD will have the time of her life, I'm sure.

At DC's school they do overnight sleepovers from Year 2 and Mon-Fri residential trips from Year 3.

My DD (7yo in Year 3) has recently returned from her first 5 day residential - she had an absolutely fantastic time and cannot wait to go again next year!

They got to do so many activities - laser, archery, rock climbing, leap of faith, abseiling, zip wire, bushcraft and many more - I think they had the opportunity to do 25 activities in total and DD took part (and completed) them all! She's totally and utterly fearless, unlike her DM

WasWildatHeart · 22/06/2015 23:00

Ohhhh I feel stressed as this brings back complex memories. DD struggled to stay away from home even for one night but we thought by the time the school trip came she would be different. With the Y6 four night residential looming it was clear she was too stressed to go but, like your DD OP, she would love all the activities. I was not happy that she missed out on all the daytime fun so I turned into crazy mum and booked a B&B nearby the activities centre and worked from 'home', picking her up each night and dropping her off for breakfast. Felt like a right twit - can't imagine what her teachers thought but they were very supportive and kept it all quiet. Other than the girls in her room no one knew she disappeared each night and she had a lovely time. She chose to stay over on the last night and was mightily pleased with herself. Two years on sleep overs are no problem. She is booked on a week band tour in the summer...... we will be on standby to go collect her if needed but hoping she will have a happy time!

Original poster

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 23/06/2015 09:13

Waswild - fab story, great that she could still join in without the worry of sleeping over.

I could get to Dd easily if needs be, but I have a feeling she'll be ok and swept along in the fun of it all. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:

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