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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so annoyed that neither of them bothered to tell me?

21 replies

ApignamedJasper · 18/06/2015 10:59

Stbxh lives in a completely different part of the country from me & dc's.

The only way I have of contacting him is via his girlfriend's phone as he apparently doesn't have one of his own or it's broken or some other bollocks or via her FB page, he does have a FB page but never uses it.

I messaged her a while ago to ask her to get exH to contact me regarding our divorce, didn't really want to talk about it via her but didn't really have much of a choice since he basically refuses to communicate with me unless forced to.

A week goes by and I get no response. Eventually I post a message on her FB wall to try and acertain if she received the message. Shortly after I get a text with her new number, I explain that I'm trying to contact him and she says she will pass the message on. All sorted.

Except I am soooo annoyed that neither of them bothered to tell me she has a new number! What if there was an emergency and I needed to contact him? What if something happened to the dc's and I needed to let him know? I don't have broadband and live rurally so my internet is sporadic at best and can't really be relied upon so, I feel, it is really important for me to have some proper contact details for him!

I shouldn't be surprised really, he doesn't bother to see them much but I'm just pissed off, no idea how long the number I have hasn't working but it could have been as far back as Febuary. Arrrrg! Aibu?

OP posts:

Pedestriana · 18/06/2015 11:15

I don't think YABU at all. Do you have some kind of contact agreement in place? Will you be speaking to solicitor at all - maybe they can insist on some basic contact details? I don't really have great experience of this situation, so hopefully someone else will be along to advise in due course.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 18/06/2015 11:31

No, I have no formal contact arrangements in place, I won't be talking with solicitors as I really can't afford it and there wouldn't be much point as we have no assets to divide and he has already agreed to the custody arrangements for the dc's.

OP posts:

Pedestriana · 18/06/2015 20:29

Hmmm....

I wonder if you may have more luck/responses if you get this moved to chat?

Completely get that the whole sorting things out is costly. Very frustrating behaviour on behalf of Stbxh & his gf.

MrsLeelemon · 20/06/2015 08:57

YANBU. However i also think this would get more traffic in chat.

however · 20/06/2015 10:26

Does he ever have the children?

Jackw · 20/06/2015 10:37

Well, I think he is making it quite clear that he doesn't want you to communicate with him. Perhaps just ask him once in writing does he want to be informed of any emergencies relating to the children and if so how does he want you to communicate this.

Do you have his address? If so, anything to do with the divorce could be letters by post so that you know he's received it.

andyourlittledogtoo · 20/06/2015 10:37

Initial reaction - what a prick. YANBU.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 20/06/2015 11:58

Very occasionally However, he is too far away to do much but they did stay with him for a bit over summer last year and christmas.

I didn't have his address but I do now, that was one of the things I was phone about for the divorce papers.

OP posts:

Jackw · 20/06/2015 22:40

Ok, that's good. Now you have his address you can bypass the girlfriend. What a horrible person, expecting the mother of his children to communicate with him through his new girlfriend rather than directly. That's got to be some sort of power, control, rubbing your nose in it thing.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/06/2015 22:54

Not giving you an up to date contact number shows a worrying lack of care towards the DCs TBH.

What if one of the DCs had an accident or serious illness & you needed to notify him? What if one of the DCs just wanted to speak to their dad? I can't say I think much of any parent who makes themselves intentionally uncontactable (unless it's one of the rare cases where that is the best for the DCs).

I know that if DH & I were to separate, he may wish to never speak to me again. He'd definitely make certain I knew how to get hold of him for the DCs sake however. A divorce doesn't absolve parents responsibility.

I would be angry too.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/06/2015 22:56

Parental not parents!

TRexingInAsda · 20/06/2015 23:18

I would assume that in the case of an emergency, he couldn't give much of a shit. Sorry, that's probably totally unfair, but wtf? If you have kids, you should make being in contact with them and their main carer your top priority, otherwise you're probably a total waster.

creepingstealthily · 20/06/2015 23:35

"I would assume that in the case of an emergency, he couldn't give much of a shit."

Ditto. If he isn't willing to give contact details he isn't willing to be a fully functioning father. God forbid that there's ever an emergency but if there is there would be no reason to bother contacting him.

creepingstealthily · 20/06/2015 23:36

"I would assume that in the case of an emergency, he couldn't give much of a shit."

velvetspoon · 21/06/2015 01:28

My Ex doesn't have my phone number, we've been effectively no contact for many years - our DC are of an age where they have their own phones and can contact us directly. I've no intention of giving him my new number, he's no need for it.

I know of several divorced parents who communicate by email only, mostly because one parent would otherwise phone the other frequently which they found distressing. Keeping contact to email only in such circumstances is entirely reasonable.

SeenSheen · 21/06/2015 02:07

He appears to be making it as difficult as possible for you to contact him. Either he couldn't give a shit or do you have form for contacting him too frequently?
Either way if there are any problems you are on your own and as such I wouldn't bother to let him know anyway.
Don't waste any more time worrying as he doesn't sound worth it.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/06/2015 14:46

I completely understand that with adult or older teenage DCs velvetspoon, but I am under the impression that OP is talking about younger children.

And OP doesn't even have a direct e-mail for her ex. Only ex's girlfriend's FB page.

BreadmakerFan · 21/06/2015 14:49

I would refuse to use her contact details. Nothing at all to do with her. I wonder if he's doing this so he can say you won't/haven't ever contacted him directly so what is he supposed to do.

yearofthegoat · 21/06/2015 15:01

OP he sounds self-centred and immature. There's not much of a caring father in evidence. Can you speak to your ex-PIL about this? Would they care about the lack of contact and contact details between their DGC and DS?

SylvaniansAtEase · 21/06/2015 15:05

Shit dad, shit dad, shit dad.

But you knew that.

Now in future you'll be justified in asking that, prior to DCs being sent for contact, for confirmation that the current number you have as an emergency contact is still live.

No confirmation of number, no contact.

Perfectly reasonable.

mrsfuzzy · 21/06/2015 15:15

doesn't look like there will be too many demands over contact, be thankful for that, if he is a waste of space that he comes over to be, your dc will be better off without him.

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