DCs travelling on bus on their own

[brotherhoodofspam]

I was wondering what the MN jury's opinion is on an appropriate age for DCs to travel on public bus service without an adult. I'm trying to sort holiday activities/childcare for the weeks I'm working over Summer holidays and there's an activity near us that both DCs (aged 10 and 12) would be interested in doing. The problem is it's in the opposite direction from where DH and I work and the start time is too late for us to go there before work. One solution might be for them to get the bus from our village into the (small) town and it's a short walk then to the event. They would only have to do this 2 mornings as I'm able to take them the other days and can pick them up after each day. They're both up for it and DH thinks it would be fine, but they've had a pretty sheltered life so far, living in the middle of nowhere has meant I tend to drive them everywhere and they're not the most street-wise kids, I would do a practice run with them on a day off but am wondering if IABU and irresponsible to even consider this or if it's the sort of thing that lots of kids do by this age?

Do explain to them how to get the bus to stop at their stop. A 16 (yes SIXTEEN) yr old of my acquaintance ended up in the wrong village that way. Oh how we laughed

DSD had to travel from Edinburgh to Aberdeen by train at 10 by herself. She was a bit apprehensive but totally fine. She flew to Egypt via London with her 14 year old niece when she was 17.

I wouldn't have minded my DC doing the same at that age, although I think DH (who is a bit over-protective) would have worried about them until they'd proved they could do it right a few times. I agree with the suggestion of doing a practice run with them - or perhaps two, one where you sit with them and show them what to do, and one where you sit a few rows behind and don't interfere unless something goes hopelessly wrong. But at that age I don't think anything will go wrong.

Gemauve That is hilarious but almost tragic too!

I had a cousin just like that. He was almost exactly the same age as me but, owing to an extremely timid and protective mother, he never had to take himself anywhere of do anything for himself. By the time he was in his twenties he still lived at home, worked locally and only ever went on holiday with his parents.

When we were both about 23 I had recently started my first graduate job on the other side of the country from my parents and bought my first house. He was facing the possibility of a promotion that would mean he would have to live in a city 20 miles from home. His parents thought this would mean he would have to move in to digs because he couldn't drive and the public transport was obviously too hard to negotiate. They were distraught.

Unwisely they poured out all their worries to my Dad who was less than sympathetic. Both my elder sisters and I had managed to leave home and become independent adults so he was quite frank about his views on a 23 year old man too scared to leave his parents home. I suspect phrases like "When I was his age I was leading men on to the beaches of Normandy" might well have been used!

It gave me a laugh of the morning, Gemauve but very sad for the person.

Yes, it is, Mehitabel. But it's not obvious what anyone can do, still less employers.

The pattern I've seen on several occasions is a nervous mother, sometimes with a suggestion of undiagnosed mental health issues, who projects that insecurity onto their (often only) child, and where for good but misguided reasons the father joins in and if the child does something to "upset their mother" blames the child. Sometimes the gender roles are reversed, but it's unusual. There are sometimes religious, cultural or other complicating factors to make it even more difficult.

If you went over to AIBU with "my neighbours are stifling their child and won't let him do age-appropriate things" the usual taboo about "criticising their parenting" and "your house your rules" would kick in, and inaction would be recommended. Social services are unlikely to be interested, and it's not clear what they could actually do. And by the time the issue reaches a real head, over university and employment and so on (as 5foot5 recounts) then everyone is an adult and unless guns and violence are involved no-one is going to intervene. There's a real asymmetry that we are now very aware of the factors that mean that "why doesn't she leave her abusive and controlling husband?" is a stupid question (money, housing, networks, family) but the same of parent and child isn't seen with anything like the same sympathy. There was a shocking thread on AIBU a few weeks ago about someone who wouldn't let their child go on school trips because of their (the parent's) anxiety, and a horrifying number of posters said that was fine.

But by the time everyone's an adult (and, in this case, in a job which today would pay mid-forties) you have to assume some agency. And I'm afraid I wasn't prepared to accept that a graduate taking home more than many households had no choices and couldn't just rent a flat. Yes, as my previous paragraph says, conditioning, co-dependence, FOG, etc. But I am resistant to the argument that people are entirely the slaves of their upbringing, and I am particularly resistant to the argument that adults have to seek their mother's permission to do things at work (I have, as you can imagine, simplified the story for dramatic effect, but there was a backstory of similar goings on including her phoning up to demand that I stop asking her son to do "things he hasn't done before".)

I think they go two ways with a parent like that- either they break away as soon as they can or they are stuck at home fearful of the world.
I generally comment in these threads because there are so many parents who won't let their children do age appropriate things like boil a kettle, go on a school trip, catch a bus alone etc and they need to be told that it is damaging and not good parenting.
Once they are out in the world of work- if not long before- they are viewed as adults by employers. My early 20s DS is going abroad shortly with work - it is ludicrous that I would interfere and worry about him catching a plane, doing transfers etc alone!