AIBU to get married before her? Brutal honesty please!

[Salamander16]

(Name changed).

Best friend got engaged over Christmas. They've been together for 5 years and are having a big, beautiful, proper 3 course meal/ country house wedding next July (2016). We have 6 joint, close school friends & she's the first girl in our group to get married.

Me and DP have been together for 9 years. Discussing marriage for the last three months. Would like a cheap wedding - our local church and a buffet in a church hall type thing. Elderly grandparents who we really want to be there. We would still have to invite around 80 people due to family sizes.

We would, if BF was not a factor, like to do it next January. Should I suck it up, wait till after hers (we'd then do it in November - I deliberately want it out of wedding season), to avoid causing any bad feeling?

WWYD? Haven't told anyone yet, as we can't decide....

I got a ton of hassle from my mad bitch of an aunt because I got engaged after her precious eldest son, but got married abroad 3 months before 'his date'. As it turned out he remained true to his previous commitment phobic form, fannying about, cancelling plans, stringing the poor girl along. They had booked and cancelled not one, but three weddings (and yes, three dresses) before she finally got fed up and left him. If I'd waited on him I would still be waiting, but I still get the snark; 'oh Little just had to be first'.

Balls to it. Do what suits you and your OH. If she throws a wobbler take it as a serendipitous warning and make moves to distance yourself from her. Enjoy your wedding.

Our friends did just this - got engaged after us but married before us. I was quite confused when she asked, before they confirmed the date, if I'd mind. I couldn't really work out what it was I was supposed to mind tbh.

But on the other hand, part of the reason my bitchface sister in law refuses to speak to me (and sent hate-emails for weeks) was because we got engaged and married during their engagement. I was stealing her big day, you see. I was obviously supposed to wait the length of their THREE YEAR engagement before my life could move on.

I find it strange that you are considering alternate plans in anticipation of friend maybe going bridezilla, as if arranging your life to suit her preferences is already an ingrained habit. Are you sure she is really that nice a person, and worth being friends with?

DON'T ask her if she would mind. If you simply plan your life, and she is a proper friend, and adult, then all is well, because she would be stupidly, childishly unreasonable of her to mind you getting married during her long engagement.

If you simply plan your life, and she feels put out, people will see her for the petty person she must be inside, though possibly some will still blame you. You should bid good riddance to her and them.

If you ask her permission, it appears you intend to take her opinion under consideration when planning YOUR life. If she doesnt mind, no problem. If she does mind, and you marry in January anyway, it will become a thing, a big split in your group and seen as YOUR fault for asking her opinion and ignoring it. If she does mind, and you arrange your life to suit her, then, well, i don't even know what to say. Doormat comes to mind.

I can see your point, Momagain1. I suppose the back story that affects my opinion is that she is so lovely but has a difficult family situation so my loyalty to her is even more important. As I said before, I am notorious for not liking weddings/PDAs/romance etc, so I think it will be a bit of a shock that we're getting married. Not to sound like I think the world revolves around me though, just that this may come out of the blue for her when all the talk for the last 6 months has been about her wedding. I do agree with you and other posters though that assuming support is better than seeking out permission, so I do take that on board.

*It's because she has, in some ways, been a better friend to me than I have to her, so this feels like a way I could repay that IYSWIM.

DO IT.

It's not like you're planning for the weekend before.

You are planning an event, to which your mutual friends would be invited, 6 months apart from when she is planning a similar event.

There is no sensible reason why this should bother her.

really and in the true spirit of AIBU, SHE is the U one...I mean, c'mon...she ONLY met her dp five years ago, what WAS she thinking when you already have a 4 year head start...cheeky upstart caaahh!

One of my close friends got engaged 4 months before me and married 8 months after me. She wasnt bothered in the slightest. She chose to have a 2 yr engagement and a big fancy wedding and I had a 1 yr one and a small wedding.

Just do it. You can plan together. It may bring you even closer.

I would just do it to! Congratulations