To think this is not amazing parenting

[Notsureatall12]

I have a relative who lives the other end of the country.
She has a 4 year old DD. She is a single parent, stays at home with her. She does not go to nursery or attend any groups or social functions at all. Wider family all live down south and dad not on scene. Family member has few friends, none with children.

Whilst they have an amazing bond, the child never socialises or learns how to interact with other children or knows how to follow the routine that will be expected of her in school.

She always says that this is an idyllic way to bring up DD. Whilst I can definitely see that they must have a lovely time together I can't help but feel that a child needs that additional stimulation, and a break from eachother?
Obviously, it's none of my business really, we're not very close, see eachother weddings and funerals and on Facebook. Also, obviously she is a good parent but what if she wasn't? She lives in a deprived high population area so sees no health visitor, there would be nobody to pick up on any concerns.

AIBU?

[NinkyNonkers]

They may not be 'institutionalised' but provided that they have been raised 'well' in a normal family and community why wouldn't they be able to share, play, chat etc? And I say that as a teacher as well as a parent. I find that attitude very odd pasta, as well as inaccurate.

As the mother of a daughter who didn't go to preschool but started school at 4 yrs and 2 weeks I can categorically say that your anecdotal evidence is totallybat odds with my experience. In fact, it has been commented on that in terms of EQ DD is way ahead of her peers, and her teacher attributes that to having been parented sensitively and allowed to develop at her own pace, been listened to etc which may not have happened had we forced her into preschool.

[Pastaeater]

Morethan I think you have pretty much just agreed with my comments; if you look back you will see that I emphasised mixing with other children, formally or informally; the "groups" can just be groups of friends, not necessarily organised groups.
How very professional of you to use language such as "talking bollocks"; you must have been very highly regarded at the schools you worked in!

[NinkyNonkers]

Well, you're a peach aren't you.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Pastaeater.

I call it as it is love and have no need to be professional on here or in rl as I am no longer working or volunteering or parent at a school.
My dd is H.ed and yes, socialising well without the need to be at school at present.
You were talking about children in groups and my point was they don't need groups. A sibling, cousin, neighbour will do just as well.
I'm sure most other parents who don't use groups to socialise their dc manage very well too.

[Pastaeater]

Ninky I think you are missing my point, which is that children who don't have a lot of social contact pre-school often find it difficult to develop good relationships with the people around them when they start school.
You are obviously a good parent but there are a surprising number of parents who do not think about this, and send their children to school at a disadvantage because they haven't had contact with others outside the immediate family.

[NinkyNonkers]

Sorry, I was addressing the point you made which seemed to state that all children who didn't go to preschool etc were noticeable by their lack of social skills

[Pastaeater]

Morethan - Ok I shouldn't have emphasised "groups" but rather "social contacts", and I don't think that siblings alone are enough. I know a large family who don't socialise outside the family and who sent their children to school at a massive disadvantage because of this.

[ElkTheory]

I completely agree that formal settings for socialisation are not really necessary for the pre-school set. Or at least for many children that would be the case. Friends, siblings, cousins can all provide informal social opportunities and the children can enter school without the slightest difficulty.

If the woman in the OP is actively denying her child any chance for social interaction, that would be cause for concern IMO.

[morethanpotatoprints]

But pasta

If the OP's relative is really shutting the child away then you could have a valid point, but it's hard to go through your early years without any outside contact.
Even a day of running errands, appointments, shopping etc can be very socialising for a young child.
Believe it or not sometimes my dc could see far more people than they would at a group session and not just mixing with their own narrowly defined school year. This isn't terribly good as who ever goes to work with people who were exactly the same school year group.

[littlemslazybones]

But if the OP were painfully reclusive to the point were she was limiting her child's opportunities to socialise with others, I doubt that she'd be the type of person to go out of her way to get to family gatherings and have the confidence to tell everyone how she parents and open herself for criticism.

[littlemslazybones]

Sorry, not the op, the op's relative

[Pastaeater]

Well, as I have already mentioned, I do know families (one in particular) who do deliberately and drastically limit the social contact that their children have. I have seen the children of this particular family (6 of them) going through the school I work in, and although they are all extremely able academically they have really struggled socially. The parents go out as little as possible even for shopping etc. If you are a sociable person yourself it is hard to believe how isolated some people can be if they are really determined not to have contact with others.

[Ionone]

That sounds like quite an extreme situation, Pastaeater, and not at all comparable to a parent with a normal range of social behaviour who happens not to send their child to a group setting before school for whatever reason.

[VelvetRose]

I agree with you op. I think that's a strange and unhelpful way of thinking. I'm not saying you have to send your child to nursery or any other group but to actively avoid socialising with other children is extreme and short sighted. If you have other children or neighbours or friends close by then that IS socialising with others.

[BridgeDweller]

"I'm afraid that you wouldn't notice if your children are not good at dealing with the people around them as parents very rarely do. The number of times I have heard people insisting that their children have fantastic social skills when actually they have no idea how to get on with others is absolutely astonishing. Sorry, but there it is."

Sorry? You're as sorry as you are accurate and are becoming increasingly impolite. Please don't be so presumptuous as to tell me that I "wouldn't notice if my children are not good at dealing with the people around them". How would you know what I would or wouldn't notice? You haven't a clue about me or about my socially able, mature and confident children.

No child needs to be forced into an unnatural, artificial environment with others of his or her age to learn good social skills.

[Floggingmolly]

What's unnatural about playgroups / pre schools??

[BridgeDweller]

Floggingmolly it's an environment where the common factor is a very narrow age group. There's nothing like it in a natural setting. Your work colleagues are unlikely to be all within a year or two of your age, your family aren't and neither are your checkout staff at the shop or those who attend your gym.

Only in schools, playgroups and nurseries do you get that forced, false environment. A real world lifestyle where, instead of going to nursery/preschool/playgroup or w.h.y., a small child goes (for example on an average day) to the park playground and meets children of various ages, to the supermarket and meets people of all ages and to tea with extended family gives them more opportunities to learn wider social skills. It doesn't deprive them of learning any.

These children in my experience, which just is as valuable and as valid as the rude woman's, tend to be socially very confident and mature.

I'd also like to add that you didn't "touch a nerve" pastaeater. As I said, you're rude. That snide remark just proves it further. You merely irritate me with your judginess, armchair psychology and assumptions about how my children behave and have been raised when you know nothing about us.

[christinarossetti]

I can definitely see the negatives in grouping children of the same age together for long periods of time.

I've noticed that children of different ages can often play together for much longer without arguing or fighting than children of the same age, I guess because there are fewer clashes of such similar social and emotional developmental needs, and they can move in and out of roles depending on who they're relating to at a particular time.

I say this as someone whose children went to nursery and go to mainstream school btw.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

well I don't know, my SIL's boy never went to any playgroup or nursery and got on fine when he went to school.....
OK he did do the 'One o'Clock Clubs' but that was it.

OP, yabu

[Pastaeater]

I just laughed out loud at being referred to as "the rude woman!"

I am someone with 20 years intensive and full time experience of working in a primary school and I think I am allowed to give my opinion.
Maybe I was a bit thoughtless in talking about "groups" when what I should have said was "plenty of social contacts, and not just within the family".
I still maintain that a lot of children who come into Reception classes without having had a good range of said contacts will struggle; why would you want to put your child through that?

[LauraHashley]

Of course you can give your opinion on the nursery settings you've experienced and the children and parents involved in them pastaeater. You became rude and frankly rather silly when you presumed to know me and mine.

Your argument's based on anecdote, just as mine is. It can be fairly argued that children who see a considerable amount of nursery, then on to preschool and so on find it harder to establish more mature social relationships outside their peer group.

[momieplum]

pasta, you only have to read the threads on here to see that what is socially acceptable to one group is completely unacceptable to another, so what you consider good social skills/behaviour in children may be seen as not so good by others and vice versa.

re your family of 6, many of the shy, introverted, quiet and least sociable girls in my secondary school grew up and matured and went on to fabulous careers and social lives - their focus on their academic studies when young served them well too... they were not unhappy or deprived.

[The80sweregreat]

I didnt have any interaction with little kids till i went to school, 50 years ago i feel this was the norm as most mums stayed at home and nursery / childminders were not as common. I couldnt wait to start school! I know its different now, but i bet she will be fine.

[Pastaeater]

Laura I have never presumed to know you and yours - you have completely misread and/or misunderstood my comments.
My argument is not based on anecdote but experience.

[SquinkiesRule]

My middle child never went to play groups or nursery or anything, he socialized with adults (and his brother) more than anything and occasionally met up with a friend (once a month or less) for lunch with her child 6 months younger.
He went to school at 5.5 and was just fine. He actually quiet normal, polite and has an active social life now he's 21.