To think this is not amazing parenting

[Notsureatall12]

I have a relative who lives the other end of the country.
She has a 4 year old DD. She is a single parent, stays at home with her. She does not go to nursery or attend any groups or social functions at all. Wider family all live down south and dad not on scene. Family member has few friends, none with children.

Whilst they have an amazing bond, the child never socialises or learns how to interact with other children or knows how to follow the routine that will be expected of her in school.

She always says that this is an idyllic way to bring up DD. Whilst I can definitely see that they must have a lovely time together I can't help but feel that a child needs that additional stimulation, and a break from eachother?
Obviously, it's none of my business really, we're not very close, see eachother weddings and funerals and on Facebook. Also, obviously she is a good parent but what if she wasn't? She lives in a deprived high population area so sees no health visitor, there would be nobody to pick up on any concerns.

AIBU?

[stargirl1701]

Children didn't used to do anything you describe. There were no baby groups, no nurseries, little 'socialising' - just church and your neighbours.

Children were fine.

[CrockedPot]

What is 'amazing parenting'? Don't we all do what we think is right for our children (and ourselves, to be honest) and somehow, we all manage to muddle along in our own ways? Everyone is different, and everyone has different ways of parenting.

[Notsureatall12]

anyone, not amazing!

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

AnyoneForTennis- exactly! I was at my grans all day from 6am till about 6pm and the grandparents certainly weren't lugging me round to tumble tots or ice skating lessons whilst playing the violin. I vaguely remember my granddad rigging up a "tent" out of a sheet against the washing line post and playing the girl a few doors up, but that would have been once we were at school and in the holidays.

[Clammytoes]

But you are judging

Your title says it all

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

Go on then, what do you do OP that is "amazing" in your opinion?

[Notsureatall12]

Where did I say I was amazing? If you read my posts, I actually said I was pondering this because I know that many would view my set up as less than ideal because I work full time.

[KatieScarlettreregged]

I never went to any pre school activity, including nursery.
I grew up with lots of school friends, made no difference. Wasn't perturbed one jot.

[Wideopenspace]

I think your title perhaps sounds judgey OP.

[Notsureatall12]

Maybe I didn't phrase it as well as I could have.

[RJnomore]

It won't be popular and you may not have worded it very well but I agree with you op.

[ElkTheory]

It certainly isn't my idea of idyllic (quite the opposite in fact), but if she wants that kind of life for herself and her child, why not? I don't think she's doing any harm by the sound of things. Some parents of my acquaintance actively choose to isolate their children and reject any sort of outside influence. That can be quite a damaging approach IMO. But if this woman is planning to send her child to school in a few months, she will soon make friends and have more social interactions. So she doesn't sound as though she belongs to the extreme or worrying end of the spectrum.

I think the baby group/toddler group/music/swimming/gymnastics for tots stuff is overrated and mostly unnecessary. I never did any of that as a child, no nursery or preschool either, then started school without a hitch at the age of 5. I did have siblings, cousins, and neighbours to play with, though.

[teatowel]

It was the norm years ago for children to stay at home with mum with very little else going on. I well remember the extreme shock of going to school at five. I was a child who would have benefited a great deal from some pre school activities and nursery education. So I don't think it is wrong of you to wonder if this is the ideal. I hope this little girl doesn't find school too daunting. It will depend on her personality I imagine

[Phineyj]

My mum had an upbringing like this and found going to school a huge shock. She remembers it vividly. She is in her 70s and very sociable, but it has left her with lack of conflict resolution skills (probably because she was an only child too). It has made me make a big effort to make sure DD has playmates when possible, so I think YANBU. The mum will get rather a shock too I expect.

[ElaineVintage]

YABU

Stop judging and start supporting other mums.

We all different. And that's a good thing!

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

The child may not even attend school.

You don't have to send your kids to school it's not the be all and end all of life

[CaptainSwan]

I think society as a whole has become obsessed with the idea that small children need to go to nursery. School starts very early in this country and as long as the child is stimulated, nursery is neither here nor there.

I don't agree though with no socialising with other children, children should be mixing whether it's play dates, playgroups, classes etc.

Nursery is very useful as a childcare option, and can be very helpful for certain children who need more professional input for whatever reason but for the general population of toddlers I don't think it's half as necessary or needed to 'prepare them for school' as people currently like to make out.

[BertieBotts]

YABU to judge. She might be just fine. I don't think that "socialisation" is anywhere near as important as people seem to insist it is. It's bloody great if you want a break, but I don't think it's necessary at all.

[Ineedtimeoff]

actually OP I agree with you. If things are as you state, then it does seem really unhealthy and quite insular. However, some children seem to settle quickly into school without having attended pre-school. That said, others lack the social skills and find it difficult fitting in. Some of the kids will have already made friends at pre-school and the parents will have already started to get to know each other. I do think they both will be starting with a little bit of a disadvantage.

[Penfold007]

Not so very long ago children stayed at home with their mothers until they went to school. Only the wealthy could afford nursery, toddler groups etc. The role of the SAHM was valued much more and working mums were frowned upon. Children entered school, survived and thrived.

Then the various governments decided that pre-school was the way to go and children should go to play-group, nursery, childminders and so on. SAHM mums lost their status and working mums became the valued group. Those children also survived and thrived.

Mind your own business and let her parent her way.

[Floggingmolly]

"Socialisation" probably didn't matter quite so much back in the days when people stayed in the communities they'd grown up in, and you saw your wider family and neighbours every day. Kids grew up surrounded by people.
Actively eschewing "all outside influences" sounds horrifically unhealthy. For both of them.

[gobbin]

All this nursery and toddler group stuff is a relatively modern phenomenon.
I first socialised with a large group of children in 1972 when I started school at 4 and a half. No issues or problems!

[spicyfajitas]

Sounds fine to me. One of my children was not interested in playing with other kids until five or six. Now he socialises very happily. Another was an early social butterfly.
If they are into attachment parenting , a big part of that will be following her child's cues ( and with experience knowing when to encourage them out of their comfort zone )

[Ionone]

The thing is, actually there are quite a lot of children who are not ready to 'socialise' until about school age. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with those children, just that they are developing slightly differently from the supposed norm. DD was quite happy without other children until she started school. An awful lot of children do nothing more than parallel play at this age which isn't necessarily socialising the child at all and can require a lot of parental or nursery staff input to manage happily. Actually, I did try the odd toddler playgroup etc but DD found the rough and tumble far too much for her. She found her feet socially at the point where rough and tumble dropped off and talking/imaginative play started. These were always the things she was interested in. Toddler groups and preschool groups were just plain stressful for her. To the outside eye, perhaps it seemed that I was keeping her away from other children but I honestly believe that I was just being sensitive to her needs. It has not impacted on her normal social development and she is now a popular, sociable, and, most importantly, happy child. She was not happy at playgroups.

If the child in question wants interaction with other children then your relative is not being kind or fair to the child. But there are plenty of children who are much happier with a smaller and more self-centred (not in a bad way) world until school age. This is how it always was until recently and people didn't grow up unable to relate to others.