To think this is not amazing parenting

[Notsureatall12]

I have a relative who lives the other end of the country.
She has a 4 year old DD. She is a single parent, stays at home with her. She does not go to nursery or attend any groups or social functions at all. Wider family all live down south and dad not on scene. Family member has few friends, none with children.

Whilst they have an amazing bond, the child never socialises or learns how to interact with other children or knows how to follow the routine that will be expected of her in school.

She always says that this is an idyllic way to bring up DD. Whilst I can definitely see that they must have a lovely time together I can't help but feel that a child needs that additional stimulation, and a break from eachother?
Obviously, it's none of my business really, we're not very close, see eachother weddings and funerals and on Facebook. Also, obviously she is a good parent but what if she wasn't? She lives in a deprived high population area so sees no health visitor, there would be nobody to pick up on any concerns.

AIBU?

[FujimotosElixir]

Starlight you have a point, Im shocked im they person alarmed by this though, like I said she aint no toddler shes a near school age child.

[christinarossetti]

I agree with the points made about different things work for different families/children.

My eldest child would have loved having me all to herself for as long as possible. She went to a very nice nursery part time from being 18 months and was 'fine' there, but always cried when I dropped her off and was quite wild afterwards with the stress and stimulation of it all etc.

Would never stay at someone else's house without me, wouldn't go upstairs in our house without me, wanted me next to her at all times whatever was going on, followed me around saying 'mama' all day when she could. You get the picture.

This carried on until she was 6.5 when she finally stopped getting upset at school drop off and has slowly but surely become more independent.

My other child is a natural, self-confident extrovert on the other hand, and would have missed out on so much if he hadn't gone to nursery etc.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Yes Fuji but plenty of school age children do not attend school.

It's perfectly legal not to.

[FatSwan]

Each to their own I guess but if she actively preaches that her way is the best way I'd lose my mind too.

"Avoiding outside influences" seems a bit off.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

This will astonish you, but in the fifties there were no playgroups, social functions, nurseries etc for young children and they frequently stayed at home with just mother for company. When they went to school, aged five, they were well-adjusted, articulate and ready to learn, and went on to be mature, sensible people who were/are your grandparents and parents.

I don't think there is any cause for concern just because your friend brings up her child in a different way from you.

[Notsureatall12]

I didn't say there was cause for concern.

It's the way that she is so vitriolic about it being the best way, and the encouragement of distrust of outside influences that I'm not sure about.

[KatieLatie]

I think that it is lovely that she spends so much time with her daughter (and presumably stays same too :) ). There is always time to socialise later.

I agree that it "isn't the way that I brought up DS" (we have done lots of baby groups and friends etc), BUT who is to say who is right? Each to their own. If the child is loved and well cared for, then that is the important thing.

[Babayaggatheboneylegged]

It's horses for courses isn't it? My two-year-old is at nursery from 9am til 5.30pm Monday to Friday because me and DH work full-time. That's probably not ideal parenting either, but you do what your circumstances permit. I don't see your relative's set-up as being particularly harmful. She might find that her kid adapts beautifully to school after all that lovely time with her mum in the preschool years.

All kids are different and we all bring them up in slightly different circumstances. I know my daughter's upbringing is possibly not 'ideal', but I do what I have to do and try not to fret unduly about it. I certainly don't stress about how other people raise their kids!

[NinkyNonkers]

You will probably find that she appears defensive or aggressively promoting her view because it comes under question or attack regularly. If you are not strictly 'mainstream' it can feel that way.

[Damnautocorrect]

When my first was a toddler I could have been your friend. I hated playgroups, he hated playgroups. I didn't go to organised things but we were out daily on adventures all over the place. We only did a few hours of nursery a week just before school. Yes school was a bumpy start as it was for a number of other children (even ones who had been in full time childcare), he didn't struggle socially but just with being away from me. but I wouldn't change what we did as it was right for him at the time.
None of mine have had a party yet either.
Each child and family is different you do what's right for that individual.

[Faithless]

Apparently my pre school days were spent like that. My mum didn't drive, there wasn't much around where we lived, I'm an only child and was a clingy mummy's girl who hated pre schools.
Went to primary and was absolutely fine, always been a good sharer and while I'll never be the loudest in the room, never had any problems socially.
I think we are a bit too hung up on "getting them ready for school" these days.

[Pastaeater]

I work in a primary school and the children who haven't been to any kind of pre-school (even very informal "play groups") generally stand out like a sore thumb.
All those posters who insist that their children were perfectly fine at school even though they barely had any social interaction beforehand, are probably the ones who were cursed through gritted teeth by the reception teachers when their DCs started and disrupted the whole class because they didn't have any social skills, and didn't know how to share, etc.
I would even go as far as to say I know some children who are now teenagers who are still struggling because their social skills were so poorly developed as young children.
So, OP, YANBU!

[LashesandLipstick]

Pasta and that would be changed by going to nursery, right? I did go to nursery but not much, and I still did those things. Depends on the child tbh

[Summeblaze]

Actually I think it's the friend that is being judgemental if she is saying that her way is the most idyllic way to parent. By her saying that she is judging OP with her full time job.

It wouldn't be for me. I loved doing the socialising part of parenting. 'My sister hated all that stuff. Neither of us think our way is the best though. Just best for us.

[Siennasun]

My experience of working with children is the same as pastaeaters.
Social skills, like any other skills, need to be practiced. Children don't necessarily need to be in nursery but they do need some opportunities to interact with other children the same age, or they are at a big disadvantage when they start school.
And the same was true in the fifties. Most kids played with other kids in their families, neighbours etc. Those that didn't would have stuck out for their poor social skills when they started school in exactly the same way.

[answersonapostcardplease]

Most parents aren't anazing at the parenting lark all the time. Op you are being v judgey.

[PatricianOfAnkhMorpork]

Child of the 70s here and I didn't do any sort of nursery or groups before I went to primary school when I was 4.1 (they took me early apparently). BUT I didn't have an issue at all mainly because I'd been socialising with my DBs friends who were all 8 years older than me (which they all hated I'm told).

Teachers still weren't impressed though as I was very opinionated still am

[Ionone]

All those posters who insist that their children were perfectly fine at school even though they barely had any social interaction beforehand, are probably the ones who were cursed through gritted teeth by the reception teachers when their DCs started and disrupted the whole class because they didn't have any social skills, and didn't know how to share, etc.

Nope, not true. DD's sharing and behaviour in general was and continues to be excellent. Just because she didn't go to nursery does not mean she did not encounter social situations and deal with them in her own way. Her social skills are probably a little advanced for her age - she is extremely empathetic and is constantly praised for kindness and consideration in her school reports. She's been actually told off at school labout five times in four years (I know because I always hear about it as she absolutely hates it).

This would be a brag if I weren't responding to a specific point and I would never normally post something like that so please don't think I am showing off. I don't think anything I did contributed to it particularly.

[Ionone]

About, not labout, obviously.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Pastaeater

That's a bit of a generalisation there, I think.
My dc settled fine and were very well socialised before they started school. They just didn't need a group setting for this to happen.
it's not rocket science raising your children to be able to follow instruction of sit on the mat. This is where we do x y z and for them to be able to join in. Unless they are an only sibling by the age of 4 they'll be pretty used to sharing.
I can assure none of my dc were any less well socialised than their peers.
Well, apart from dd who stands out like a sore thumb, is quirky, and very gifted. I don't think that has anything to do with not going to groups before school though. she is 11 now and I'm just as proud of her as I am her dbs who are normal adults and not traumatised at lack of pre school groups.

[BridgeDweller]

"All those posters who insist that their children were perfectly fine at school even though they barely had any social interaction beforehand, are probably the ones who were cursed through gritted teeth by the reception teachers when their DCs started and disrupted the whole class because they didn't have any social skills, and didn't know how to share, etc."

Pasteater how rude!

How judgmental, ill-thought-out, presumptuous, stereotypical and yes, rude.

None of my children went to nursery, playgroup or similar and still they had social skills and maturity beyond their years. They were polite, biddable, knew how to share and had better manners at 5 than you appear to in adulthood.

[Pastaeater]

Bridge - having been part of a small primary school for about 20 years now as a parent, governor and member of staff I absolutely promise you that 9 times out of 10 I can spot the reception child who hasn't been exposed to socialisation at pre-school/nursery/playgroup, and so can the rest of the staff.
I should perhaps qualify that by saying that if parents go to a lot of trouble to introduce their children to informal groups and let them have plenty of contact with other children then the bad effects are less evident.
I'm afraid that you wouldn't notice if your children are not good at dealing with the people around them as parents very rarely do. The number of times I have heard people insisting that their children have fantastic social skills when actually they have no idea how to get on with others is absolutely astonishing. Sorry, but there it is.

[Pastaeater]

Bridge - I would also like to add that my comments have obviously touched a nerve with you!

[morethanpotatoprints]

Pastaeater.

I have been at schools for more than 24 years in various guises, including parent, pta, teacher, TA, and in various schools. In fact it's more likely to be surprising how well socialised the dc are who haven't been to pre school groups.
I can promise you, you're talking bollocks.

I do agree that it's important for children to mix with others because it does aid socialisation, however, I'd like to see evidence of it needing to be a group of some description, either formal or informal.
Playing with a friend, siblings, extended family members can be just as effective.

[Damnautocorrect]

"If all the kids were like your son my life would be a lot easier"

Exact quote from his teacher after his first parents evening. He's the un socialised one. You simply cannot generalise kids like that.