OCD desperate help please - AIBU?

[bluejeanswhiteshirt]

I went to a shopping centre earlier with my 8 month old DD and got stuck in horrendous traffic on my way into the multi-storey car park. I was stopping and starting on a steep ramp and couldn't find the biting point of the (courtesy) car and ended up making the wheels spin from revving too much and the smell of burnt rubber just filled the car making me feel sick and I literally freaked out because DD was in the back.

After shopping I went to the car park and couldn't find the bloody car and again was in a right state because the multi-storey was absolutely rammed with cars and there I was in the middle of it all searching for our car while DD was breathing in exhaust fumes and god knows what else.

I called my ex who is staying over for the weekend and I was in tears, shaking and so panicked by it all, worrying what damage had been done to DD after first breathing in the burnt rubber and now all the shit from all the cars in the car park. My ex went crazy at me, telling me I'm a psycho and now I'm back home I'm still so anxious and can't stop crying.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this anxiety or reason to worry?

You burnt out the clutch, not the tyres.

Please ignore Unexpected telling you that you're not in fit state to look after your DD. You are clearly anxious and I think you're probably aware that this isn't ideal for your DD but my guess is that you are acutely aware of this and are doing whatever you can to combat it. And it doesn't make you unfit as a parent. This is a case of opening yourself up to advice and the possibility of having all your buttons pushed! Re: your worrying today, it's tricky because the day you describe really could leave anyone (me included) shaky and in tears. Your ex was cruel and irrational to describe you in the terms that he did. However, your concern that your DD might be permanently damaged by this is either irrational or misinformed and you probably need to seek help with that. I also suggest that you don't have your ex staying over again as this is obviously toxic.

Is burning the clutch worse? Sorry, I don't understand the mechanics of cars!

Your concern is actually not completely irrational because burning rubber fumes can negatively affect help if breathed in huge quantities or frequently. That is not your situation!

health

I have OCD. Had it since I was 6 years old. I understand how you are feeling right now.

Your dd is fine, she is not going to come to any harm I can assure you.

Ignore unexpected Not helpful and wrong. I can have huge panic attacks but still be capable of looking after my children. It is not ideal no, but I am human and it happens. It is also clear that you know that you need help and are trying to access that.

In the mean time would you mind if I recommended you some books which you may find useful while waiting for CBT?

Reassurance isn't going to help you for long. It just feeds OCD but I know how hard it is to stop that cycle. I would perhaps ask this to be moved to the mental health board because I don't think AIBU is really the place for this because you get replies like unexpected's which doesn't help and just puts more guilt on you. Those of us with anxiety/OCD KNOWS the affect it can have on our children and we don't need reminding of that, especially in the middle of a panic attack. We already have that guilt to attend with on top of our illness.

Neither clutch nor tyres is a problem. As others have said, your extreme worry about this definitely seems to derive from anxiety and is not a proportionate/rational reaction. I know that doesn't help at the time, but if you can recognise it now hopefully that can stop/reduce your ongoing extreme worry.

Have you tried any self-help books? My DM suffers from depression and anxiety and found some useful techniques in them. Might be worth a look while you're waiting for CBT?

Oh, and your ex is a tosser. Fantastic reaction to someone who is not well.

I can see why people might assume that I'm not in a fit state to be a good mum if I'm having panic attacks in the middle of a car park but I would never put her in danger. I feel awful that she might have been able to sense how upset I was even though she was asleep but all of the cars queuing to get parked up were just making me feel so anxious because I could smell the petrol or whatever. It was just an awful, awful afternoon. It took me so long to find the stupid car as well, that alone was making me cry!

Please don't feel awful that she may have been able to sense it. You are suffering right now as it is, do not make yourself suffer more.

You are going to be getting CBT and you will get better and your dd will not be harmed by the fumes, or having a mother who had panic attacks. As long as you work on getting better please don't feel guilty for what happened today.

Your OCD is telling you that your daughter is at risk of the fumes, but OCD lies. When you get these feelings keep repeating to yourself 'this is just OCD talking, it is not true' CBT will get you to label your thoughts for what they are and there are many online programmes and books that can give you some techniques while you are waiting. Have you also thought about medication?

You have to fight really hard and it is exhausting. Do not push the thoughts out as they will come back harder, but relabel them. 'This thought is an OCD though, it is not real'

It felt like everyone in the cars were looking at me thinking how much of a bad mum I was for walking around a multi-storey car park with a baby when it just smells so bad and fumes are everywhere.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this anxiety or reason to worry?

This is anxiety. Your panic in completely out of proportion to the situation.

Logic tells you that babies do not end up harmed by smelling burned rubber or exhaust fumes now and then or how would a child ever survive being brought up in a city?

Have you been taught strategies to manage this overwhelming anxiety? If so, do you know what stopped you using them today? If not, hopefully the CBT will help. How long is the waiting list? Do you need to be a higher priority?

Perhaps next time you go there you could ask someone to come with you to help you feel a bit calmer.

I often lose my car and walk around. I assume people think I have just lost my car and I am a bit ditzy.

The fumes wouldn't have crossed their mind and people are too busy getting on with their lives to pay much attention to what you were doing.

I would go back to your GP and discuss medication if you aren't on it. It can take the edge off and that can help make CBT more successful if you are in a more calmer place. Not everyone likes taking meds and that is fine as well, but they helped me a lot. If you don't like the idea of anti depressants beta blockers can be very helpful. I was on them daily but now take one when I have a bad panic attack as they help with the physical symptoms, such as the racing heart etc.

Feel free to PM me any time if you ever want to chat more privately. I have OCD like I said and I am also a carer to my husband who has a severe mental illness and have worked a lot with psych nurses so I have a lot of tips and lots of empathy if you ever need it

I promise you, no-one in the car park was looking at you or making judgments about you. They were focused on getting to their own cars and out of the car park, or on getting to the shops.

For future purposes, would it make sense to get a car with automatic gears? Then you won't have to worry about finding the biting point when going up steep ramps.

Oh pet. This kind of anxiety is horrible. Absolutely don't worry about this. She'll be fine.
It's hard but make a concerted effort to distract yourself somehow and not think of it. Maybe even give yourself a time scale, such as not thinking of it again until ten this evening. You will hopefully find when you do think of it again, you are far more calm. Thats just a bit of CBT practice before you start it properly.

It isn't about 'relaxing', it is a mental health disorder!

Blue, seeking reassurance on an online forum is feeding your compulsion and will make your OCD worse. You need to try not to seek reassurance and wait for the fear to subside.

I understand how you're feeling and it's horrible. Help and subsequent change doesn't happen overnight give it time and be kind to yourself. Lots of people feel like you do and it is not fun. Hope the cbt helps x

Be kind to yourself op. Ive got OCD too, but about fires/electrical items. Have to do checks in certain orders and pinch myself x amounts as well as a few other bits and bobs.
I find that if im stressed or upset then the OCD is massively magnified. Like I will 'check' for houryound start working in multiples of threes.
Do you think your ex being over has been a bit of a trigger?
Good luck with the cbt, your dd will be absolutely fine xx

Thanks everyone. I've calmed down a bit now and can see that no harm came to her. I left the house in an anxious state because my ex was talking to his mum on the phone who we've had no contact with since DD was born 8 months ago, she's a nasty woman who has been absolutely awful to us both and now he's letting her have contact with DD after repeatedly saying that he never wants her to see her again. I can't do a thing about it but the thought of her seeing DD on a regular basis fills me with dread.

So the events that came after were just made even worse and the bad luck of not being able to find my car was all linked. Need to put today behind me and move on. My ex has upset me so much.

the bad luck of not being able to find my car was all linked

Don't forget that processing thoughts like where you parked, what was around the car, level numbers, and visual information, i.e. what you can see there and then are all hampered by that level of anxiety and, the more anxious you get, the less you can remember what you did and process what you can see.

Next time, find a quiet place to stop, perhaps by going back into the shopping centre, and take some time to calm down. Slow your breathing down, count floor tiles, talk to your DD, whatever helps and then, having tried to recall some detailed from when you left the car, go back and look again. You'll probably find it much more quickly.

Please don't worry about your panic attacks impacting on your DD.

Firstly she's too young to notice, secondly you are seeking help, and even if you do have the occasional one as she gets older you will learn to cope with it in the context of having her around.

My DD is nearly 11 & has mild PA's. I recently told her about mine, which have frequently happened when she's been around. She had no idea I was having them.

Wrt the car park, I hate multi storeys too. I have to use one if I go to our nearest city, but I go first thing so there's minimal traffic & lots of spaces.