Me or DH being U?

[namechangedincase23]

Last night was DHs birthday. We had a nice day went out for a lovely meal. All good.

After the meal we went to get a film from Sky Box office, but there was a problem and I had to call Sky.

Much drink had been taken by this point

I rang Sky and the man in the call centre had a very sexy Scottish accent. I was a bit giggly and a bit flirty in my tone. DH was right next to me and it was on speaker. I didnt say anything inappropriate and just thought it was a bit funny.

Then DH punched me really hard on the leg. I have a bruise and it hurts to walk on.

I went to bed after he punched me.

This morning he is not speaking to me. He has grumpliy apologised when pushed but said I was out of order and he's now glaring and not speaking.

Who is being U? I am really upset that he hit me and that he is tryongt to carry on a row when I am prepared to let it go and have apologised for being a dick when on the phone to Sky

[ttc2015]

Oh OP, I'm sorry. You need to keep using those words: rape, abuse, controlling, because that's what they are and the more you use them to both yourself and him the more sure and set you will feel. I don't think using the word rape has really got through or he wouldn't have done to you what he just did, it may have shocked him but he's either justified it to himself or doesn't agree and care.

You need to speak to someone. You say you've lost all your support, but your friends and family before your husband isolated you (which is what abusers do) were you very close? I have someone who was once close to me no longer be that way because her 'd'P is controlling and emotionally abusive. We all know it, though she thinks we don't, and if she text me out of the blue today I would still be there for her. I would reach out feelers and try with them. I'd also call woman aid.

You say you don't seem capable of leaving him and then in the next breath talk about how no one knows and how you would feel if they did- could that be holding you back? The thought of people knowing what your husband is like? Because realising why might help get ourself into the frame of mind to do so? While I appreciate his behaviour is the thing stopping you, breaking it down bit by bit and challenging that may help?

[clam]

What would have happened if you'd moved away from his "advances" and said no?

And where was your ds during all of this?

[OnlyLovers]

Leave Him.

Please.

Call Women's Aid.

Find someone to talk to if you can. Do you have a friend? Any family? Anyone? You've nothing to be ashamed about. Any shame here is his.

[Momagain1]

How you might behave when he isnt there isnt the point.
He attacked you.
You now know you are married to the sort of man who will attack you.
Even if he only attacks when drunk (oh, that'll never happen again) or when 'provoked' (the definition of that gets wider over time, many battered wives find) the fact is, you are married to a man who resorts to physical violence.

And isnt even sorry when sober the next day.

is that what you want?

[Inertia]

He is showing you exactly who he is. And that is a violent rapist.

You don't need friends to deal with a violent rapist, you need the police.

[Spog]

Call Women's Aid.
None of this is your fault.
Its time to leave this relationship before he kills you.
And yes, it might come to that.

[Gilrack]

Oh dear, my love, this must be so hard to hear Your 'inside' self knows it's true, that's why you took him to task and posted a thread.

I am worried that he may get worse and reassert himself again now that you have stood up to him and named his behaviour.

I predict you will be punished for this. Maybe not today, maybe not this week (although I predict this week - he seems very sure of himself) but you won't even realise the connection unless we show it to you.

I'd like to think you aren't going to hang around for that. Please, do reach out to both agencies and friends in RL.

Wishing you safe, well and free

[Fatmomma99]

You poor darling. I hope you find the strength to leave this arsehole and start your life again.

All of MN is behind you. Love and Strength to you.

big hug

[Athenaviolet]

Lotus don't get into victim blaming. It has no place on this thread. This op needs support, not someone criticising her.

[nilbyname]

God almighty, I came back on to see if you were alright and I feel sick.

I'm sick with worry for you.

Call an old friend, call them and tell them why. Thy will want to help you. I would if you were my estranged friend.

You can reason with such a man.

Leave. Leave. Leave.

You can so do this. This isn't the man for you.

[OhWotIsItThisTime]

op all the women on here are saying that this is not normal. You do not need to live through this. Your son does not need to grow up thinking this is normal.

[AntiHop]

Yes I agree with nilby. You need to get in touch with an old friend or family member so you've got some support. You've drifted away from them because of him. That's one of the ways he controls you.

You need to leave this man. I know you can do it.

[nilbyname]

You can't bloody heck!

[UnsolvedMystery]

When he bent you over that chair and fucked you, you didn't actually want that did you. You went along with it because you didn't feel able to say no. You didn't really have any choice in the matter but cooperated for an easy life.
This man is a thug. Please call women's aid and leave him.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Please please please next time he is out just go. Leave. Go wherever is safe.

For your sake, this will only get worse, and for the sake of your son and any woman he ends up with. He cannot learn this is how you treat other humans.

[TendonQueen]

The comments so far have covered it, but you also mentioned not wanting to tell anyone as you were embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about - he is the one who should be embarrassed, pathetic bully that he is. Don't let that stop you telling people who can help. They will think badly of him, not you.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

An abused woman is significantly more at risk of death or very serious injury at the point of leaving and for a few months after.

Just leave next time he is out is usually incredibly dangerous advice.

In order to fully protect herself and her child the op needs to plan and prepare for safe exit. She could ideally do this with the assistance of the police and childrens services but it's not essential.

Things like ensuring she has things she will need,hopefully some cash stashed, a plan of where to go, who may be able to help her. At the very least spoken to a HCP to create proof (this bit to protect her child).

Just running without having a crisis plan or professional help can make you so much more vulnerable than staying would.

[OvertiredandConfused]

Completely agree with AnUtterIdiot (poor choice of name )

You could even email a link to this thread to a friend and tell them it's you.

Because he has isolated you from your friends, you've (temporarily) lost some of the ability to judge how people will respond. They will be annoyed at him, not you.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

Christ OP, you sound like a prisoner. But you can leave. There are people who will help you. Please be careful and do everything you can to protect yourself and your son from this ape.

[LobsterQuadrille]

Good morning OP, I've just read your update with a heavy heart. I have been (from the sound of it) where you are, although we were not married. I only joined mumsnet to get an objective view of his behaviour, related mainly to his drinking, and received the answers that everyone is giving you. I felt just the way that you do now - that it wasn't possible for me to leave, that DP had managed to isolate me from friends and family by making his displeasure extremely obvious if he wasn't placed first in my life until it just became the line of least resistance not to see them as often as I wanted to. We would look at houses to buy and he would identify a room for my DD, which would be as far away from "our" part of the house as possible. He would regularly storm out of restaurants if I said something that displeased him - but it all happened so gradually that by the time I realised what had happened, I was also addicted to the pattern of unreasonable behaviour and my view of a normal relationship was utterly skewed.

I didn't leave then but I so wish that I'd had the strength to do so and not wasted the next couple of years in the same miserable cycle, while my spirit diminished more and more and, worse, my DD looked on in horror, unable to believe that the strong independent mother she'd always known had become this emotionally dependent wreck. She has never known her father and this was the first relationship I'd had. Since then she has identified that he was a controlling sociopath and possibly psychopath and is convinced that he would have killed me. I'd like to think this is teenage drama queen talking but am afraid she could be right.

Unfortunately I also understand that you have to be ready to make the move. Could you at least make tentative steps - call Women's Aid, sort of any finances, make your escape plans? Just putting everything in place will give you an element of control back. Just keep remembering that this is not your fault. Not in any way. And good luck.

[ggggllll]

Well if you rounded off my birthday by flirting with someone else in front of me, I might consider walking out and never coming back, that sounds horrible, but that's relationship stuff which pales to insignificance...

...for a man to raise his hand to you is a whole different level. He wants to be dealt with by the police or a psychiatrist for that.

[biffchas]

Please do not discuss this thread with him, and delete your computer history. Look through the relationship threads for the very good advice given by other women who have gone through this before you, and please, please, call women's aid.

[ggggllll]

(I think my answer is both, but DH a lot more, because he's a man and should not do that to you)