Me or DH being U?

[namechangedincase23]

Last night was DHs birthday. We had a nice day went out for a lovely meal. All good.

After the meal we went to get a film from Sky Box office, but there was a problem and I had to call Sky.

Much drink had been taken by this point

I rang Sky and the man in the call centre had a very sexy Scottish accent. I was a bit giggly and a bit flirty in my tone. DH was right next to me and it was on speaker. I didnt say anything inappropriate and just thought it was a bit funny.

Then DH punched me really hard on the leg. I have a bruise and it hurts to walk on.

I went to bed after he punched me.

This morning he is not speaking to me. He has grumpliy apologised when pushed but said I was out of order and he's now glaring and not speaking.

Who is being U? I am really upset that he hit me and that he is tryongt to carry on a row when I am prepared to let it go and have apologised for being a dick when on the phone to Sky

[clam]

namechange Just stop for a moment and think about what happened here. He totally over-reacted about you being a bit giggly on the phone with some random guy about a Sky movie. (my dh would have laughed, but that's by-the-by). He then punched you, leaving a bruise. He sulked all evening about it when, by rights, if anyone were to sulk/be upset, it should have been you.

Then, this morning, he visibly softened his attitude in order to get sex from you. And then he reverted to his sulk about the supposed "dreadful behaviour" that he was willing to overlook whilst he wanted a shag.

Now see what sort of person you're married to.

[whois]

FFS do you really need to ask OP?

G

[namechangedincase23]

Update.

DH and I spoke and I used some of the comments in this thread, along the lines of he was choosing to punish me, he could turn it on and off, he was being abusive and controlling etc.

We rowed for a bit, then he put his arms out (like come here for a hug)

I did and he starting putting his hand between my legs. Then he took me into the kitchen and bent me over a chair and fucked me. The phrase upthread "reasserting his ownership" was going through my head the whole time. That's exactly what he was doing.

After that he's been fine. I've been on eggshells.

We did talk again last night and he has promised never to hit me again (it isn't the first time) and he did agree that the sex thing was an ownership / control thing and he apologised for that.

I know exactly what I would tell my best friend to do. But I don't seem capable. The weirdest thing is anyone who knew me in real life just wouldn't believe I would have this going on in my life and take it.

[Athenaviolet]

OP

Did he rape you?

I'm really worried about you.

Please go and stay with a friend or someone you trust tonight.

You need to talk to someone experienced about this.

You really aren't safe in that house with him.

[namechangedincase23]

No it wasn't rape on this occassion. But it has been before and we talked about that too and I used the word for the first time.

He was pretty shocked but I said "If we have sex and you know I don't want to but you make me, what else would you call that?"

And I think it got through.

[googoodolly]

OP you need to leave this man. He's raped you on more than one occasion and he hits you. What kind of a relationship is that? He is violent, controlling, physically and sexually abusive.

PLEASE call the police and get him out of there for good.

[imjustahead]

bloody hell op

[Eminado]

Omg OP your update

Please get help and get out.

[Bunbaker]

Why are you still with this misogynistic bully?

[Bunbaker]

Oops, posted too soon. You are accustomed to this behaviour so you think it is normal. Hopefully, you should be beginning to realise that it isn't normal or acceptable. Nice men do not behave like this. Do find the courage to find a better life for yourself before he totally destroys your self esteem.

[DragonWithAGirlTattoo]

Op what are you getting from this 'relationship' ? Sounds like nothing but heartache

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

You need to get away, this is so far from normal and you seem to have normalized it.

[workadurka]

OP

If this was your best friend, how would you persuade her to leave her husband? What would you say?

[workadurka]

"Promised to never hit again".

What happens when he does?

[Athenaviolet]

It doesn't matter that it got through to him.

He is a very dangerous man.

It is really challenging to get your head around the fact that someone you like/love and is 'nice' most of the time is actually someone who is a threat to you.

This is why you need professional support. Is there a friend you can go to today that you can talk through this with? They could help you contact women's aid. So many women have been exactly where you are now. It's very very hard. But please don't stick your head in the sand and expect things to get better. They will only get worse and the longer you stay the more trapped you will become. Nothing's more important that your safety.

[namechangedincase23]

I don't really have anyone. He doesn't like me going out (I know) so I've drifted from my friends and more so since having DS.

There's no one I am very close to anymore and I would be too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on.

[namechangeobvs]

[LurcioAgain]

OP, this is all terrible - the initial assault, the "fuck over the chair" to re-establish his territory, the past abuse and rapes (so glad you can finally name them for what they are - I hope that when you finally escape you see that moment as a real turning point in finding the strength to get free).


0808 2000 247 - Women's Aid phone number
Women's Aid Website

[Athenaviolet]

I understand that. It is a really difficult subject to bring up with anyone you're not very close to.

It's one of the reasons so many women suffer in silence for so long- abusers isolate their victims from their support and even if they do still have friends/family as a society we don't talk about these things as openly as we should even though it's such a widespread problem. OP you will know other women who've been in this situation, you just don't know it because we don't talk about it. That's why mumsnet is really useful in these situations.

If there's no one you know you can contact then please contact WA ASAP to see about a refuge space.

You and DS need to be somewhere dh isn't.

Are you home atm? Where are they?

Are you able to pack a bag and collect documents (passports/driving licence/bank cards/etc) without dh noticing? Do you have transport/cash?

[Only1scoop]

I was you.... no one would ever have believed I would be in a relationship with a controlling abusive violent drinker. Friends began to keep distance.

Apparently this horrid look used to flash across his face when I 'displeased' him....for example heard me laughing with friends about a girly holiday we had 10 years previously

I began to walk on the old eggshells and try not to rock the boat.

He pushed me down the stairs once for being 'flirty'

No that was just my bubbly personality.

I stayed and patched my injuries up and slept with him again the next week.

The next time he broke my jaw.

I didn't go back for more

I thought I could change this aggressive controlling but sometimes gentle man.

It started off as you describe

[Sandbrook]

Oh namechange I'm so sorry you're going through this.
But you need to get away, if not for your sake for your son. What happens when your ds accidently breaks something in the house and this violent bully unleashes on him? It's too late then.

Please get yourself and your ds some help.
Even a friend you don't see any more will support you if you tell them the whole story.

I haven't seen one ex friend in 12 years, but if she arrived at my door presenting as an abused wife I would do my best to help her.

I wish you the best of luck & strength

[Penfold007]

That was rape. You need to get your son out of this toxic environment.

[Topseyt]

Bloody hell, you need to get away from this pathetic excuse for a man.

His behaviour is appalling. He is not at all nice. You and your son are at risk. Also, you don't want your son growing up thinking that this is the correct way to treat women.

[GoldfishCrackers]

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve to live like this. You know this is not right but the bit of you that rejects this 'relationship' has to fight against all the messages from fuckwits like your husband and Peggy.

You're not safe with him. You have to leave/get him to leave but I know it's daunting. (Been there.)

Speak to Womens aid for starters. This is really serious. He is physically assaulting you, raping you, isolating you and controlling you. You have done nothing to deserve this.

I can guarantee that conversation with him has not sunk in. If it had, and he suddenly realised he was a controlling abusive rapist, he'd be either utterly distraught or he'd be out of the house in order to protect you and your DS from himself. I am worried that he may get worse and reassert himself again now that you have stood up to him and named his behaviour. I really think a call to the police would help keep you safe. If you can't face pressing charges now, at least make them aware in case you have to call them if things escalate again.