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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS being bullied again, insensitive teacher

28 replies

AuditAngel · 12/06/2015 23:08

DS has been bullied, picked on and generally teased most if the way through primary school. We are now almost at the end of year 6.

The children are doing a play, and DS has been given the part with the comedic name. He is now being teased about it.

He has asked for a different part, and it has been refused.

AIBU to ask the teacher to change the name of his character, or say he is not taking part?

I think the teacher has not thought it through. i hope he would not do this deliberately, but I have had enough of my 10 year old crying.

I am now at the stage that I would be prepared to keep him home and provide a letter saying that participating was too stressful.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 12/06/2015 23:10

Perhaps have a meeting with the teacher. Explain the situation and ask for suggestions.
There is a difference between sustained bullying and the odd stupid comment. Are you sure it's bullying? Got any good retorts?

mrsfuzzy · 12/06/2015 23:14

kids can be so cruel but some things that are meant as a joke are not always seen that way, i'd speak again with the teacher or if no joy take it up with the head. may be the teacher thinks things are being taken out of context but that doe not mean nothing shouldn't be done. hope it soon works out for you both.

Original poster

AuditAngel · 12/06/2015 23:47

Thanks for the replies. I have tried to get DS to suck it up. I was picked on at school, but just felt that the kids were not worth getting upset about.

I will ask Monday for a meeting.

As to whether it is bullying-the main culprit has left the school (removed from main stream education). Unfortunately, DS doesn't really have any friends, so he doesn't have a "cushion" to fall back on and friends to distract him.

I often think he needs to toughen up, and I find it frustrating that he struggles to cope.

OP posts:

fiveacres · 12/06/2015 23:50

An, poor lad.

Meet with the teacher but I'd approach it from a sort of apologetic 'would you mind terribly ... Thanks so much!' point of view which gives them a chance to graciously back down, if you see what I mean

momtothree · 12/06/2015 23:55

This is awful and I feel for your son. DD has blossemed in high school with lots of friends, Im sure your son will too. Talk to the teacher, kids can be sneaky ... let them know its causing you grief at home. Glad the bully left but its a ling re-build on the confidence front. Good luck.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/06/2015 00:25

He has been bullied all the way through Primary school and nothing has been done about it. I know you didn't say those words but the fact that it's still occurring is evidence of that.
Go up and demand a meeting. To allow bullying to go is negligent and a very serious safe guarding issue. And also a serious failure in their legal duty of care. Ynbu to demand they give him another part .
If it going to cause further bullying.

Fatmomma99 · 13/06/2015 00:31

You're leaving it quite late... Won't they be performing in about 3 weeks, and haven't they been preparing for this since SATs?

PtolemysNeedle · 13/06/2015 00:38

I don't think the right solution would be to change the characters name, that's basically telling some unkind children that their unkindness has the power to change the minds of adults they are supposed to respect. And if they really are bullying, it won't make any difference anyway, they'll just pick on something else.

It's worth speaking to the teacher about though, and telling them you expect them to deal with it so that your child has no reason to come home in tears.

TwinkieTwinkle · 13/06/2015 01:18

Ugh, kids can be so mean. I understand where you're coming from but I think you have to be careful asking the teacher to change the part, it could make it worse if the kids realise that you've spoken to the teacher. I really don't envy you and I feel for your son.

Mistigri · 13/06/2015 07:00

I think you need to talk to the teacher here about the impact that this is having on your son. It may "just be teasing" but if it's serious enough for you to be considering keeping your son off then it's having a significant impact and the teacher needs to take steps to stop it. (I'm not necessarily talking about punitive steps here - for example, my daughter's Y7 class there were issues with the academic kids being picked on and the school organised a number of class discussion sessions to deal with it).

Personally if I felt that the school was not adequately meeting its safeguarding role then I would simply refuse to have my child participate. I know it can be difficult to know how to react in this sort of situation - my own son is very sensitive and sometimes they do just have to toughen up - but if a line is crossed then you have to step in to protect them.

littlejohnnydory · 13/06/2015 08:04

Could you home educate him?

soapboxqueen · 13/06/2015 08:15

I think if there have been bullying incidents all through school, I don't think it's fair to expect him to toughen up. He may not have the reserves to do that at the moment.

I think if you ask the teacher to change the name of the part it will create more ammunition for the bullies and it won't stop them from using the original name anyway. Nor is it reasonable to ask to swap parts, a child may volunteer but presumably they've already been practising and learning lines.

Removing him from the play won't solve it either as he'll still be a target.

I think you need to be very firm with the staff and demand they take action. They have a duty to come down on the bullies like a ton of bricks.

Failing that, deregister and home school for the last few weeks before high school. Tell your ds it's an extra holiday.

BalloonSlayer · 13/06/2015 08:16

It does also depend on the name of his character. Is it central to the play? If you were complaining that they won't change the name of Bottom in A Midsummer Night's Dream I'd have to say YABU.

ragged · 13/06/2015 08:23

Bullied kids get bullied no matter what they do, even if he was called 'John Smith' in the play they'd just find something else to hassle him about. :(

MissDuke · 13/06/2015 08:26

I have nothing new to add but just wanted to give you - this is a horrible situation for you both

GoblinLittleOwl · 13/06/2015 08:48

Please don't keep your son at home; you said you think he needs to toughen up, and helping him avoid situations he finds difficult won't help him.
You described the situation as teasing, and there is a distinct difference.

Ultimately, the only person who can deal with the bulllying, real or imagined, is himself; many children suddenly realise around his age that they don't have to tolerate it, and it stops.

momtothree · 13/06/2015 08:52

Ragged - what utter crap ,., the bullies are the issue they are the ones who have been badly brought or dysfunctional NOT the victim either the parents dont see it or they dont care, Bullies will Bully whatever the victim changes when they get bored. The school is negligent, can you/did you complaint to the LA? His confidence must be at an all time low.

ragged · 13/06/2015 09:01

Not sure how I appear to I blame the victim, I said that they'll be bastards no matter what the lad does.

momtothree · 13/06/2015 09:17

Appologies ,..it didnt read like that, read it as the victims fault.,, I believe they get deserve in high school. OP id this school.a feeder school? What are you doing about high school/

Original poster

AuditAngel · 15/06/2015 07:34

Thanks for the comments. From what I can tell, the name if the character is a bit of light relief and doesn't impact on the plot. If it was Bottom from Midsummer Nights Dream, I would have discussed how clever some of Shakespeare's word plays were, pointed out he had been given a better part than the bullies and fed him that as ammunition to throw back at them.

Yes, they have been practicising since the end of the SATS, so that is sufficient time for school to have dealt with the problem. The fact they haven't and my son is in tears makes it my problem.

It isn't a feeder school for his new school. DS us the only child going there from his primary, so he can have a fresh start. He knows one girl going there who has recently left his dancing school. I just hope he finds a couple of nice friends when he moves.

Home schooling isn't an option, and I also don't think the gives DS the right message, that when things are tough you quit, but I would happily keep him out on the day if the play if nothing happens. After all, nervousness can cause an upset tummy, I would have to follow the school's 48 hour rule wouldn't I?

Unfortunately as I don't do pickup it is hard to speak to the teacher, but I'm writing a letter this morning and will ask for a telephone call.

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 15/06/2015 07:41

Can you not take hour off , make appt and go to school? If bullying is going on so long I'm not sure a letter and phone call is enough.

ollieplimsoles · 15/06/2015 07:47

Sorry to be picky op but choosing to HE isn't quitting. I know plenty of people who were pulled out of school due to bullying to be him schooled and it was the making of them. They were no longer dragged down by other little shits at school.

That been said, these kids are all little shits! At least your ds will be shot of them at high school. I would definitely have a meeting with the school, your ds is always in tears and thats not right. I would also consider pulling him from the play. He has enough stress of with sats and high school application, he doesn't need this rubbish.

however · 15/06/2015 07:54

I think had he got another part, they'd have found something else to tease him about. It's not about the play. I'm sorry he's having such a tough time.

momtothree · 15/06/2015 07:58

A letter is better than a meeting as they have to act, nut verbal they dont. Both is ideal ... but go with letter first.

Ashbeeee · 15/06/2015 08:21

My DD was bullied at primary school. I did role play with her - each taking it in turns to be the bully and bullied. Taught her to put up her hand in front of their face and to say 'stop saying that as its rude' in a powerful voice, and then to walk away. Her being the 'bully' and feeling the power of being confronted in that way gave her confidence to try it for real as its actually quite intimidating if done properly. It helped empower her and took away some of the fear. With one really horrible girl (with equally horrible mother who shouted with awful language at me in the playground, niiiice, wonder where the daughter learned it?) I got her to get the girl quietly on her own and to ask openly and calmly why she needed to be so mean and to explain the it felt really horrible to be on the receiving end. They ended up patching up differences. Unlike me and her unpleasant mother who then started on insults about my DH in the playground. Threatened to report her to police if she continued. Oh and the headteacher had the mum in, read her the riot act and said any more instances and she'd ask her daughter to leave the school. She left us alone after that. .

DD took the opportunity of secondary to completely reinvent herself and has had a lovely time with wonderful friends. Confidence (mostly) restored. Horrible to go through though.

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