WIBU to tell this boy off?

[DunelmDoris]

So I'm waiting for 7 (nearly 8) yo DS to come out of the boys changing room after his swimming lesson. He's taking ages so I open the door to shout him to hurry up and I can hear them all shrieking and mucking around.

Then I hear DS yell out in pain and start crying. I go in and find one of the other boys had whipped him around the back with his goggles (he has two big weals). When I asked the other boy if he had done it, he said yes but only because DS had thrown the goggles.

I was really cross, so I told the boy here has done something very wrong, even though DS should not have thrown the goggles it wasn't OK to hurt someone, and I made him apologise to DS. I helped DS get dressed then made him apologise to the boy for throwing the goggles. Then I told the boy again that if someone behaves badly towards him he should get an adult, not take it as a reason to hurt someone, and that if it happened again I'd be talking to his mother (who I barely know).

Now I'm worried I overreacted and frightened the other boy. But I'm genuinely crap at confrontation and although I really instinctively needed to defend DS maybe I shouldn't have told the boy off myself, and should have gone to get his mother.

I would have spoken to the boy's parent personally. Told her what had happened, explained that I'd told DS off about throwing other people's things around. And then waited for her to tell her child off.

I didn't "have a go" aggressively - I didn't mean it to sounds as if I had. I just told him that it doesn't matter if someone throws your goggles, it is never ok to hurt someone. I don't think it is OK to hurt someone because they've thrown your property. I don't think throwing property is OK either, and I made that clear to them both. My bad :(

Do you all tell your children off even if they're hurt? I got a telling from some other mums once for being too hard on DS because he'd hurt himself by doing something I'd told him not to, and I gave him a row while he was howling. It made me feel awful and was pretty embarrassing too tbh. Feel like I swing between too soft and too harsh all the time, can't get it right :/

I didn't say you were aggressive Dunelm but the point is that you publically chastised the boy twice whilst comforting your own son quietly and calmly.

It isn't 'ok to hurt somebody' but 8 year olds don't tend to be great at gauging how much things may hurt.

it could just be in the description but you do sound very protective of your son. That's not a bad thing of course, but it can be obstructive as well.

Sometimes, they are best sorting out their spats themselves.

It's difficult because we don't know what really happened. Maybe your son was being really horrible and so this boy lashed out with good reason, only for you, bully's mum to storm in and tell HIM off, even though he may be a perfectly reasonable kid who was severely provoked by your son. Or not. Or maybe it was six of one and half a dozen of the other. We don't know.

However, I have witnessed kids spitefully bullying others, get smacked, scream their heads off, and then mummy rushes in and tells off the victim.

The whole reason I posted this was because it's pretty much the first time I've "protected" DS and I felt worried about it. I don't ever want to be that mum. He tends to be the crying one who's upset because someone stole his football and I try not to get involved at all.

I didn't bollock DS only because he was hurt. I wouldn't even have gone in if I hadn't heard him shriek.

Well I'm not going to do it again. I truly don't think DS is likely to be the bully, in the past it's been the other way round according to teachers, but I guess everyone thinks that about their children. If there's a chance he's being horrible and I'm reinforcing it I suppose it's better to do nothing.

You don't have to bollock anyone. :)

I have an eight year old, and I know from experience with both my children, the bigger deal I make out of something, the bigger deal they will.

You can cheerily comfort your child, suggest to other child that whacking another kid isn't perhaps the most sensible of ideas in a matter of fact way and then speak to other parents if appropriate.

Honestly I find this stuff so impossibly hard. This thread has pretty much confirmed to me that I can't win. I just hope I don't completely fuck them up :(

I agree with fiveacres as this was my first thought on reading your post.

I think it is right that they both got told off but it reads like your first instinct was to comfort your own kid and tell of the other one with your sons own apology being more of an afterthought.

You're being silly (meant kindly).

No one died!

Good advice from fiveacres.

But by all means tell off other kids if you've witnessed the whole thing and your child is definitely the victim

I remember reading someone on here once say that it's important that your DC see that you'll stand up for them, and it struck a huge chord with me from my own childhood, and I realised that I never sided with my DC. Then I worried that they wouldn't feel they could rely on me. And today that was tested and it felt uncomfortable but I thought that might be because I'm not used to doing it. And now I'm thinking it's because I did the wrong thing.

One thing I can tell you about kids is that it's fine to admit you were wrong.

Mumsnet is very big on 'you've said X will happen now, SO IT MUST!' I completely disagree! I get irritated, overreact and then concede I overreacted all the time. At least once a week!

It's fine to say 'sorry, I was a bit harsh there!' It's fine to say 'I am sorry if I was a bit hard on you.' It's fine to say 'I was shocked when I saw the mark on your back, and X should not have whacked you, but you know you shouldn't take other kids' stuff, yes?'

Emotions are natural. When you explain to children why emotions provoke reactions, they learn about the world.

But as far as possible, emotions should be kept out of stuff.

God I know, massive over thinking going on here. I doubt myself constantly, maybe have some gaps in my own childhood in places which make me feel very very conscious of making mistakes.

Well yes, but standing up for them doesn't and shouldn't mean tearing another kid to shreds on their behalf, Dunelm.

After all, I would feel like I needed to stand up for my son if I found out another mum had publically chastised him as you did, and then where does it end?

I do think there's something in what someone said earlier about the changing rooms. Yes, 7/8 year olds are kids, but they aren't toddlers. I don't think going into the changing rooms is appropriate - at most, a quick stick your head through and ensure no one is permanently damaged!

I really don't feel telling a boy off in a changing room at this age is on, sorry. I know you're lacking in confidence somewhat and I'm not trying to make things worse. But my DS would have been mortified!

A lot of the time, praise in a backhanded way works best with this age group. I have a one year old and she's been knocked over before by over exuberant 8 year old boys. Yes, it's tempting to tear strips off them, but a 'I know you didn't mean to, but be careful; I know what lovely lads you are and I know you'd feel so bad if you hurt her, wouldn't you?' gets fervent nods and sincere 'sorrys' in a way public chastisement just wouldn't, although I concede it's not as satisfying!

You can stand up for your child, and should do so, but that takes many forms and some of them are subtle.

And I don't think you did the wrong thing.

If you were a friend of mine and the boy was my DS, I'd politely - probably a bit steely, but ... politely, tell yo to come to me in future.

But that would be it. No one died!

I promise I didn't tear him to shreds, I wasn't aggressive, just firm. But I see your point and in future I'm just going to talk to the parents. It's really hard when your child is obviously hurt. He still had two raised marks on his back and side when he went to bed :( But you're right that it was my emotion that drove me to tell the other boy off (and I really don't want to facilitate DS being a horrible bully, I was bullied and I won't allow it) so I'm going to think up other strategies for this sort of thing in future.

Thank you for taking it over with me.

Don't be too hard on yourself. If he had marks that were still there hours later then he got hit really hard. I think you were right to intervene. I think very few people would simply stand by while they heard their child getting hurt, and very few people would not react with emotion if they saw big red marks on their child where they'd been hurt by another boy.

If your son did throw the goggles to try to hurt the other boy then he's probably learnt something about how other boys might react to that. The other boy will have realised that adults are monitoring the changing room and hopefully that might put a check on his behaviour.

Maybe in future just go in and say "that's enough" and remove your child from the situation. I'm sure many people would have done the same as you in the situation you were in though.

If the mum speaks to you, just say you've thought it through and will speak to her in future, but that at the time you were shocked to see how badly your son had been hurt, with marks that were still raised and visible hours later.

I would have done EXACTLY the same and so would any other normal mother presented with her own son crying with welts on his back.
You're doing fine, OP. Don't secknf guess yourself. We are all winging it.

I do not get why posters think you tire a strip off the other boy. You told him off (calmly, I hope, not screaming at him?), explained why what he did was wrong and what he should do in such circumstances (very good, very important), and made both boys recognise that they had gone wrong. you also showed your ds that you support and defend him, but will also not condone violence from him.

I do not see that you could have done anything better.

I certainly would not have complained to the child's mum. If I had been that mum, I certainly would not come down hard on my child on the say-so of a stranger! You'ld get an apology, but nothing else. Your way was vastly better.

Maaad OP says I was really cross, so I told the boy here has done something very wrong

That sounds like she was angry.

She would be pretty odd if she wasn't angry, don't you think?

The other boy may not have intended to hurt your ds. He was obviously annoyed your ds through his belongings. In this situation I would have let my child know that he shouldn't through peoples things, and then i would have said to the other boy very gently, and you shouldn't hurt people. Thats it, kids need to sort things out for themselves.

Stubble not my point. My post was toMaad in ref to her saying the OP was "calm"