Aibu to ignore school mum from now on!

[Yepyep333]

My ds has a best friend at school so I am friendly with the mum but don't socialise outside of school with her, she is a lovely lady and we make small talk every morning, today she said to me 'Can I ask you something?' So I said of course, she then said 'why are you getting fatter? You are so pretty but you are fat WHY would someone say this?!! I have never discussed my weight with her, I'm not grossly overweight neither have I put on lots of weight recently for her to notice a difference, I'm just gobsmacked and I still can't believe it, I just looked at her when she said it and then she starting saying I need to drink water and lemon as I must feel really heavy and lazy I'm not sure what I should say to her when I see her next as the doors opened for school and we went our separate ways!

Is she trying to sell you a diet plan?

Sorry but I properly laughed at Penguin's response

How awful, that must have been horrible.

I think that in some groups and cultures it's the norm to 'watch' other people's weight and literally 'weigh' in if there is a sense that someone is getting a bit heavy. It's not just to do with where someone is from either. For example I lived for a short time with a group of professional dancers. They were (unhealthily) OBSESSED with their figures and at one point several of them lost no time in telling me that I was getting a bit porky. They had absolutely no embarrassment in doing so and it was obviously completely normal to make those kind of comments in their group. They genuinely thought they were doing me a favour, that maybe I hadn't noticed and that by pointing it out to me I would be in a position to do something about it. Needless to say I didn't last long in that particular flat share. On the other hand I am now obese so maybe they were right to be worried about the direction I was heading in. Obviously this doesn't apply to you OP but I'm guessing that the woman comes from a culture where it is normal to police the appearance/health of others.

As said before - cultural/language differences can cause a lot of miscommunication. I bet she would be upset if she realised how much she hurt your feelings.
That said, I would feel terrible if someone said that to me! If you feel you can, maybe calmly explain that that sort of comment can be very hurtful. Or - stay away from her if you are really upset...it's not worth it.

The fact that you've known this woman for three years with no previous difficulties indicates that she is as pleasant as youve always thought she was. I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that comments such as these in her culture are not considered to be offensive. I would imagine that if you explained how offended you are, she would be mortified.

I think it is a cultural difference. Perhaps she was trying to be supportive and helpful rather than polite and untruthful like the British.

Someone with social graces bypass.
I wouldn't avoid her, I'd probably find her quite entertaining.

YANBU

Is she Dutch or From SE Asia. I have lots of friends from both places and all of them would say exactly that. At first I thought they were astonishingly rude but soon realised that it is simply a cultural thing and they are being direct and not trying to hurt you. One friend said "when I saw you I didn't realise you had had the baby until I saw him in the car". She is lovely and I wouldn't fall out with her over it.

Is she a native English speaker? Could something have been lost in translation?

Was she OP?

Sometimes when a person's first language isn't English, they can appear a bit blunt

Why would this be a typical comment in the deaf community, vvega??

Oh I see that you have already said English isn't her first language.
There's your answer. Probably in her culture people are more direct with what they say to each other. she may not have realized that to you it was rude and hurtful.

I wouldn't fall out with her about it, especially if you have got on well up until now.

One year I returned to Uni after the Christmas break to be told by an African friend that I'd clearly been enjoying myself as my face was really chubby.

He didn't mean it as an insult!!

That is shocking. If English is not her first language it could be a cultural thing, some cultures can be very forward to the point of rude. My Mum is Armenian and I can imagine her or her Armenian friend saying exactly the same thing.

I was going to ask if she was Thai or filipino?

Perhaps she didn't realise it was rude although she surely must of when she noticed my shocked face! I might add she is the same size as me!

Yeah my Bengali Mother In Law might say this and be genuinely surprised you saw her being "helpful" as being mean.

There have been sooo many gems such as "why is DD1 in wet clothes? That makes you a bad mother" (chin dribble damp).

"You need to clean your toilet you will make DH ill" (it was his day to do it like fuck was I caving)

"You are lovely and healthy to have a baby, but a bit fat, get thinner and wait until DD2 is 2"

"Don't have any more babies you have enough and are getting a bit old" after DD3 I'm 37

Anyway honest to god all meant in a loving helpful and totally without any social proprietary at all.

Just tell her you felt a bit hurt. You may surprise her and help her tone it down in the future.

Agree some cultures will point out your faults and blemishes and see it as being helpful rather than to criticise. My DM SE Asian friend always told me I looked fat and brown every time I saw her. DM told me friend has said fat to mean healthy and brown to say I spend too much time in the sun

She may be related to my MIL who told me 3 days after giving birth "ooh that's going to take some time to go down" after spending a good minute giving my tummy the once over!

What a rude cow though!

Yes I was going to ask if she was Dutch. Or Swedish. Lots of helpful comments available in those countries

Yes, cultural differences can result in such clangers. My Taiwanese friend would happily come out with this with no malicious intent. Just as an observation and curious (eg she may ask why are you getting fat? and genuinely wanting to know why!!).

I'm Dutch and it is socially accepted/normal for people to comment on your weight ( In Holland that is!).

It's a cultural kindness that isnt accepted in the UK:-)

Give her another chance! Like others have said, it's almost certainly a cultural difference. I've lived in Germany and Japan, and there are such totally different ideas about acceptable comments, especially about your physical appearance -- you get some real corkers. One very nice person said I had 'a face like a full moon'... thanks.

But if you make it clear that this kind of observation makes you uncomfortable, and she still does it, then that's different.