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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about both children being Star of the Week

43 replies

tutorproof · 12/06/2015 16:27

Son1 (9)is Star of the week. It has been hard earned. He got it for a dramatic improvement in his attitude and focus and for working really hard.

I am so proud of him and really feels like we have turned a corner. His confidence is easily knocked & he often gets despondent so I'm so pleased for him.

Have just picked Son2 up (6) and he's star of the week for a second time! He doesn't find things so hard.

They are like Horrid Henry & Perfect Peter.

I feel really bad for DS1 as this was supposed to be his special day where really make a fuss.

But I don't want to minimise DS2 who also works hard all the time.

Strategies please.

OP posts:

SomewhereIBelong · 13/06/2015 08:08

I was perfect Peter, my siblings horrid Henrys... I spent my childhood feeling less loved because I found life and school-work easier. I guess my parents thought I got all the praise at school, so they didn't need to bother as much at home, but then when siblings gained any plaudits, you'd think there was going to be a parade or something.

OP - your Perfect Peter probably already knows that you value his less... sad really.

MissDuke · 13/06/2015 08:17

To those who don't 'celebrate' these prizes - some children really need the encouragement and motivation of a fuss and prizes etc, so some of us have to take every chance we can to encourage them When either of mine get SOTW, we have to ring round grandparents and have a celebratory 'party tea' to encourage them. It does seem to motivate them for a while.

Hidsup · 13/06/2015 08:23

Parenthood is so hard but I too was going to comment about poor Perfect Peter. I think children pick up vibes so make sure he doesn't feel any of the frustration but feels absolutely praised and cherished for being him. He isn't the cause of his siblings issues

claraschu · 13/06/2015 08:35

Miss Duke, for my children celebrating these things would have been a false motivation which created more problems than it solved. If you celebrate slightly fake achievements in school, you make these things too important to children. Then the failures (or all the weeks they don't stand up in assembly) become too important too.

I don't ever get overly excited about any prizes, marks, awards, A*s, etc; I get excited about the actual paintings my kids make, and the interesting information they bring home: the skill and determination and hard work that goes into everything they do.

wigglesrock · 13/06/2015 08:37

I agree and was in the same family dynamic as somewherewebelong - horrible at the time. Quite soul destroying as a child to feel like your achievements don't matter as much as a sibling, just because you keep your head down and try your best.

wigglesrock · 13/06/2015 08:38

Sorry I meant somewhereIbelong

mmgirish · 13/06/2015 08:39

It's not unusual that siblings in different year groups have gotten stars of the week awards on the same day. As a teacher, I've noticed that this is really common.

thetroubleis · 13/06/2015 08:41

When my DD gets SOTW I wonder what she's been doing to be honest. It's saved for the 'spirited' children...

SoldierBear · 13/06/2015 08:52

Another one who was the "perfect" child with an older Horrid Henrietta sibling. Her achievements were always greater in my mother's eyes. I was a conscientious, anxious child - she was not. She was lavishly praised for things while I was told that things were more difficult for her and it wouldn't be fair on her to celebrate my achievements... It gave me an inferiority complex that I struggle with to this day, never feeling I can be "good enough" or deserve love.

Please don't downplay your younger child's achievements by "spoiling" the older child and making him wait a whole week for his treat. that's really unfair and sending the message that consistent good behaviour and application at school is not valued and that he is not as important as his sibling.

Yarp · 13/06/2015 08:57

OP, I do sympathise

I have 2 sons who are very very different from each other. I know what people are implying about labelling though. I have to continually remind myself to not 'see' them in relation to each other.

BreadmakerFan · 13/06/2015 09:00

SOTW actually means something at our school as it is not all about every kid having their turn. They actually have to earn stars and the highest scorer gets star of the week.

Original poster

tutorproof · 13/06/2015 09:23

Oh son2 gets lots of praise too and does work really hard to deserve it.

We have made a big fuss of him as well.

But we're done now - normal service can resume.

OP posts:

teatowel · 13/06/2015 09:31

You can never get it exactly right as a parent you can only do your best.Whilst I see what people are saying about failing to recognise your hard worker (and I do agree) in our family one of my children (now adult) has really suffered from having two much brighter siblings. He just stopped trying because he felt he could never reach the same (actually quite dizzy heights) they have. We did everything we could to make him feel valued for himself. It is such a difficult thing to deal with

Original poster

tutorproof · 13/06/2015 11:23

And actually we do use Perfect Peter and Horrid Henry at home ??

Not in a nasty way but in an effort to treat them fairly.

Son2 does work hard, have amazing determination. He's very bright but also very affectionate and loving.

Son2 is an absolute angel at school and really ramps it up at home when DS1 is in trouble. He goads DS1 and is also very competitive which can often result in unkindness or insensitivity which we are working on.

DS1 is not competitive and not easily motivated. He's never been so cuddly either. He is often told off at school for being easily distracted or distracting others and struggles to focus. Again, have spent years working on this and he finally seems to be finding his feet.

However he is exuberant, persuasive, charming and funny and a very loyal and supportive friend.

I love my children equally but they need supporting in very different ways. My job is to tell help them both with the areas they find hard.

My frustration was that it's hard to do this at the same time, especially when DS2's strengths are more universally valued than DS1's.

OP posts:

Original poster

tutorproof · 13/06/2015 11:29

Also DS1 often gets upset and frustrated that we 'prefer DS2'.

We have talked about this a lot. Sometimes I've called him out as he's doing it to just get his own way a bit but often he genuinely feels it.

It's a constant balancing act.

OP posts:

velocitykate · 13/06/2015 23:08

I was also "Perfect Peter" growing up. My younger brother struggled more - he was a summer birthday, but I always felt my Mother made his sttuggling a self fulfilling prophecy by going on about his summer birthday and how he would struggle from as early as I can remember.

I know my achievements were kind of "All in a day's work" or expected, whereas my brother's were celebrated. More by my Mum, not by my Dad. As a result, I still feel my brother was loved more than me and have very little self confidence because every achievement was effectively belittled.

My brother and I are now both married with children. We both have good jobs and own our own homes.

Be very careful how you handle this.

Hidsup · 14/06/2015 08:32

Tbh tutor in the nicest possible way you'll probably never get it right. I hear many children complain as adults from the stance of being either of the sibling positions. My advice is to spend time with each child on their own. That way you can focus on them without worrying what the other child is thinking.

Charley50 · 14/06/2015 08:45

At my son's school they don't all get SOTW. My DS has had it a few times over the years. He's got one friend who is very bright but not very well behaved at school, and when he comes round ours he sees the SOTW certificates my DS has got on the wall and comments that he's never had one. It makes me feel sad as he's a lovely boy and very clever and nice to be around whenever we spend time with him.

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