To sometimes resent my relationship with overweight person?

[PurpleProseStinkinRose]

Sorry... this could trigger a lot of venom but please read what I am saying very carefully.
I don't resent the weight itself. DH was overweight when I met him and physically this was not a problem in the least for me. But I hate the attitude that goes with his lifestyle. It's not about dropping a few pounds or being a bit healthier. It's all about pie, mash, and chips and the rest of us should be ok with this. I really enjoy cooking from scratch and authentic dishes as well. My DH enjoys my cooking too but before I feed him and after dinner, he'll eat an entire bag of crisps and a pack of biscuits. He justifies this by saying he doesn't love fish, for example. So if I serve fish, I always have a bit of a heart-sink because I know it won't be a big meaty dish he can sink his teeth into and he'll be a bit sulky about this. But then when I do serve a big meaty dish and he eats a pack of crisps before dinner, it's like "Oh well, I didn't have lunch today." I never nag him about his bad eating habits because I'm not his mum and he should know better by now how to look after himself. It's his body, not mine.
But I hate the example he gives our kids. I can't stand how he sits there munching and polishing off a bag of crisps and I'm telling him, "don't give any to the kids, dinner's in 10 minutes". When he's home it's just about eating in front of the TV or falling asleep in front of it. I find it really depressing. It was ridiculous. We were on holiday and from the beach to the seaside restaurant was a 5 minute walk. He drove the car from one end of the beach parking lot to the other end of the beach parking lot while the kids and I walked. It took him longer to move the car and go down the stairs to the restaurant than it did for me and three kids to walk!
I'm a bitch aren't I? :-/ I sound like a really intolerant bitch of a wife. But I find it so depressing. Look, I'm not Gisele Bundchen frolicking in my invisible bikini on Brazilian beaches, but I'm quite a healthy, outdoorsy person- not to the max. But we're quite opposite with regards to our approach to healthy living and I am finding it a real silent strain on our marriage. I hazard a guess he is too. :-/

YANBU, you are really not.

I think the info about him being an alcoholic is extremely relevant. It sounds like you still have all the alcoholic behaviour just without the actual drinking.

to you OP. I hope you can find a way through this.

I too struggle with some aspects of an ow partner. Same as you it's not how they look. In my case it's the snoring. The loud all night snoring. A stone lighter and it stops. It upsets me that he won't loose the weight to help me sleep or to stop us sleeping separately. The stone loss would make such a difference but he just won't do it. Or if he does maintain it. That makes me sad as I feel it's selfish.

I was ready to call you a bitch but reading your OP it isn't about the weight is it? its about the general attitude to life that is getting you down. Our eating habits are pretty crap and both DP and myself are overweight. My DP has started training for the marathon - i doubt he will get in first application but it has given him something to train for and it is rubbing off on me with the healthy eating. Could you possibly train for something together? The difference between us and your DP is both of us are outdoorsy and actually quite fit for our size as we work together on a manual job. So its not about how he looks, its about his health but also, who actually wants to sit on their arse doing fuck all in front of the TV, we only get one life!

Watching

"I can't talk to him. I have tried and he gets mega angry. I can't talk about anything with him. I've learned over the years and too many ear piercing rows that engaging with him is just not worth the fall out. [...]He loves me, but my opinion on things isn't respected. "

The weight is red herring. The laziness is a red herring (although possibly a sign that he's not really compatible with you). This ^^ is the big problem.

I'm sorry, but he doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you, and he won't engage with you. Even if you could turn him into a 10-stone marathon runner, this wouldn't be a relationship worth having.

And I agree with Lobster that he sounds like a 'dry drunk' rather than a 'recovering alcoholic'. He may not be actually drinking alcohol, but he's not shed the addictive behaviour - the self-absorbtion, the obsession, the anger, the desperation for a 'fix'. I know several ex-drinkers who are in recovery and don't behave like this - they've not just stopped drinking, they've also tackled their addiction and its root causes. And they behave like normal, decent human beings. Being an alcoholic - whether recovering or active - is not an excuse. He's still using it as one.

Thank you all so very much, really. It means a lot that you've taken time to respond. I think it's not so much new behaviour but increasing and slightly changing. In the beginning, he was more prone to bouts of overeating but then he'd calm down. He always enjoyed his food, but his overeating was not as consistent as it is now. He was overweight and had his tum, but he also had much more of a sparkle in his eye. We were certainly happier individually and as a couple. And even though his weight hasn't changed much, he was more engaged in the family, more eager to be a part of us as a whole. Even when he chilled on the sofa- eating crisps! ;-) he wanted us close to him. He was 'there'. Now I feel like he just switches off. He's just not there. Often times big things happen and he's just not there. He's not interested in the kids' schooling and he barely knows anything about me anymore. We talk about his work exhaustively or we talk about money, inheritance, how much I forecast getting from my mother when she dies and how much he will get from his dad when he goes. If we're not talking about money or his work, we're not talking about anything. I've wondered if he's depressed but he's always on full throttle with work, ready to take the world on. He seems positive about it even if it's demanding. He works hard but he remains dedicated to his job, which I take as a good sign.

The thing about the car and driving to the other end of the car park was absolute sheer and utter laziness. And then when he couldn't find a space, he revved the engine so obnoxiously, burning rubber as he screeched around to find a space. He's become that guy: obnoxious and overbearing. And he wasn't like this when we met and married 7 years ago. I just think I've made him unhappy. I can't help but feel that he regrets being with me. He sits alone on the sofa watching TV, eating until he falls asleep. And if I join him, it's like we're both alone in the same room. It wasn't like that. In the past two years, there's been a change
Sorry, I'm a bit all over the map. I need to try and be more concise with my wording. I hope I'm making sense.

Has he recently had a milestone birthday or a relative with a brush with mortality? It sounds a bit like he has decided he is not going to get his 'meaning' in life through his home life but maybe has an outside chance of still becoming 'somebody' through work - a mid life crisis?

Stop blaming yourself for his behaviour. He is an adult and he has choices about what he does and how he behaves. I am sorry to say but I think the car park incident shows a bit of the person he probably always has been. He couldn't get what he wanted immediately so he had a strop.

Did anything happen 2 years ago? Change of job, change of friendship group?

"I just think I've made him unhappy. I can't help but feel that he regrets being with me."

No. Just no.

This is not your fault.

Actually I am re-reading messages and I am really so grateful for the insight into addiction. And it's actually not a weight thing. If he were big as a house but just loved life, I'd be over the moon. I totally mean that. Everything is so much about being at home, filling up and then just sitting alone in front of the TV and computer when he's here. Hey, we all do it. Honestly, what am I doing right now? ;-) But you know what I mean. PunchHedgehog and Lobster your messages are powerful and have given me a jolt. This is what I notice. The anger, The Big Me mentality, the buzzing tension that I can feel coming off him. And when life gives him lemons he is impossible to be around.

TheoriginalLEM you couldn't have said it better. It's not how we look. You're too right! It's about enjoying each day as much as we can. One of the healthiest people I know is my bestest friend, a full figured lady who just radiates life and vitality. She is so strong physically and so her work is physical and everything about her is just wonderful. I think- in fact I am positive- if my DH were a stick insect, he'd still be the same. I think my title is really, really misleading. I wish I'd thought about that more. :-/

Do YOU want to stay in the relationship? Forget worry about making him happy: how does he make YOU feel?

He sounds like he has major food issues that are impacting on your relationship and family life a lot, that he's not ready to acknowledge or tackle.

He doesn't sound like he's being a good partner or father at present. Also bad that he doesn't listen to you and gets angry.

I've seen this self-absorbed, disengaged, "not there" thing with a relative who is a sober alcoholic.

It sounds like there could be some codependency going on (eg you blaming yourself for his problems, cooking for him).

After years of renting, we bought a home two years ago. And while it's been lovely, he's definitely changed since then. I feel he just doesn't want to be around us half the time. Every night I go up to bed alone and leave him asleep on the sofa. He comes into the bedroom around 3am and continues to sleep. So very often we are like ships passing in the night. I have said several times that something happened since we bought the house. Our mortgage is far lower than the rent we've been throwing away for so many years. Of course a mortgage brings with it its own worries but I figure, we'll worry if and when we have to. He keeps saying if interest rates go up, we will have to sell. I have been given extensive lectures about this. The financial lectures have increased tenfold since we bought the house. If we sell, we sell. I feel like there's not much I can add to make him feel better. I just nod my head and say we'll do the best we can with what we've got. We're able to meet all of our payments and responsibilities. And I'm lo-fi. ;-) I don't get my hair or nails done. I live very frugally. But I feel like he thinks I'm a gold digger.
He was married years ago, before he met me. No kids. 10 years. And the weirdest thing happened recently. A hidden folder from his married years (he has pics from that time. He's allowed that. We all have a history) synced itself to our kindle fire. It was weird. I don't know why that happened. There were like 5 of our current photos and then an entire back catalogue of Hits From the Previous Marriage. He accused me of doing this! I couldn't help but find that funny and intensely annoying at the same time. As if I'd want to sync photos of his ex to the family kindle. Great idea! Anyway, I looked at all the photos (of course I did!) and felt this pang. They had such a lifestyle together. She was so 'done up', so glam. Every photo was either on the beach in Turkey or outside the Hermitage in St. Petersburg. You get the idea. He looked so happy! They looked so happy, so loved up. None of our photos are like that. He was overweight then too, in case you're wondering. ;-) I'm so not 'lifestyle'. I'm quite earthy and sort of running around with kids and wearing the same trousers for days on end. I don't wear make-up and have gray hairs popping out by the nano-second. I'm not a complete beast, I hope. :-) But you know, I'm busy and tired and it shows. I suddenly really felt that when I saw these photos. I don't know where I'm going with this thread. I suddenly feel a bit lost.

Gabilan's post is brilliant. Plrase re- read it.

This is not your fault OP.

Renting is transient and impermanent even if you rent the same place for a long time you know that the landlord could serve notice at any time. Owning a home is a commitment, settling down, "growing up", you are no longer footloose and fancy free...

When you own a property the illusion of being able to up sticks and do what you want disappears. I think he finds the financial responsibility of a mortgage a huge burden even if it is less than rent on a monthly basis but also I wonder if he resents settling down and some how blames the house for clipping his wings.

Oh Purple bless your heart. This is NOT about you, you sound like such a lovely person! Stop blaming yourself please you lovely lady. I could cry for you, STOP blaming yourself. HE is selfish.

Purple, one thing that strikes me is mid-life crisis? My sister had one of those - became obsessed that nothing would be fun again. She came out it but it lasted a year.

It may seem odd but I wonder if the purchase of a home did something in his mind, like sealing the idea that life wouldn't be fun again? My sister's thing was brought on by turning 40. With all his references to the mortgage, I can't help wondering if buying a house has triggered some other feelings?

" I just think I've made him unhappy. I can't help but feel that he regrets being with me. "

Oh sweetie. You can't take this all on yourself. And unfortunately that means you can't control it either.

As PP have said I suspect getting a mortgage made things seem a bit too real, grown up and tied for him. I once turned down a good job for someone so I could stay living in the same area as him. He dumped me within weeks. Sometimes an offer of commitment from you just isn't reciprocated. I hope you can work this out but whatever you do, remember you are important in this.

Is it habit or boredom or addiction? If its habit and a food addiction thats tough to address especially as he doesnt see it as a problem. What would happen if you stopped buying those things and kept the kids treats separate so if he went into those he would be denying them 'their' treat?

It doesnt sound like he is going to change any time soon if nothing happens as a result of his behaviour and he can get you to back off with a bit of shouting, ie. he isnt getting any consequences or reason to change.....

Purple please don't blame yourself - this isn't about you making him unhappy. It really isn't.

From reading this OP I seriously wonder what do you actually see in this man to be with him at all?

The crisps before dinner thing can be managed. If it's the example to your kids that's the problem - and it sounds as if that's a bit of a catalyst then tell him that he needs to eat them when the children are not about as they will pick up this habit which is unhealthy.

It sounds as if he feels a modicum of shame or guilt hence the excuses, ie. he didn't have lunch.

If it were me I would tell him that I'd always loved him but the minute we had children, our responsibilities changed and that it isn't ok to pass on to the kids a lifetime of bad eating habits so, if he would carry on doing that then we wouldn't be staying together long term. His choice to put the kids first or not, regardless as to whether I would find his behaviour attractive and want to be a proper partner.

You're not a bitch; do something. If he won't, then you must. For your kids' sake, it's not projection or scaremongering, it's a real and present risk.

it's the lifestyle of your Dh not of all overweight people - that certainly isn't my lifestyle nor is my lifestyle the cause of my weight, nor for many others.

But re your Dh - if his lifestyle is to blame then Yanbu for wanting to help him but he has to want to help himself - if it is other than over indulgence then you need to help him fix that first imo. And an addictive personality and changed behaviour that makes your wonder if he is depressed indicates his eating is about more than just lazy lifestyle.

Any weight loss requires motivation and willpower and for some it is harder to do for some than others - without his choosing to do it for you it is like pushing a block uphill and it will be damaging for your relationship - you will build resentment in each other.

You should consider different scenarios - if he doesn't want to or can't change? How much can you / are you prepared to invest in helping him work through his issues / do you live each other still / what is your ideal and what is your breaking point? What would make you stay and what would make you walk away?