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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this to my children???

49 replies

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 11/06/2015 17:36

I am a SP with 3 DS aged 6, 9 and 10. I moved 200 miles away from all my family with my boys 3 years ago as I got a place in a very competitive training scheme which involved working full time, completing a part time masters and completing a work based training portfolio.

I am now at the end of the 3 years and recently got a job offer back home near all my family so will hopefully find working and taking care of my DSs much easier. The job is dependent on me becoming qualified and passing all components of my training (I have already passed the Msc).im really struggling to cope with everything and had a breakdown last night about it all. My mum (who lives back home) has offered to look after my boys until my exams are over in 4 weeks time and they will start immediately at their new school on Monday of they leave this weekend.

I am so torn as to what I should do as on the one hand, they boys moving in with my mum temporarily will give me time to revise and complete the portfolio after work as at the moment I massively struggle to do anything once they are home from school. On the other hand, I feel awful changing their school at such short notice and they are already upset about leaving their friends behind so I know they will find leaving at short notice even more difficult.

I'm worried that if they stay with me then I risk failing everything and losing all the work I have put in over the last three years, which would also result in me losing my new job(I am the sole financial provider so would be screwed).

Honest opinions please, am I being selfish or practical by moving them to my mums in the short term. I feel horribly guilty and I know I will miss them terribly. The thought of it makes me want to just quit everything but then I'll be jobless!! I need to make a decision by today

OP posts:

Original poster

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 11/06/2015 18:16

Thank you everyone for your replies so far. My mum coming here isn't an option as she is a teacher and also works full time but they have places at before and after school care so she can pick them up after work. Their dad also lives close by so he can help out to (when he feels like acting like a father)

My 10 year old is not happy about it at all and I have explained all the points above that he can make new friends etc. he says I'm trying to ruin his life so is being a tad over dramatic.

You are right about ww3 over the Xbox too, I would find it hard to study with them around because they constantly fight and I struggle to get them all asleep by 10pm (they go to bed at 8.30 and spend the next few hours messing around).

Great idea about coming back for a leaving party as it will give me time to organise it. I was worrying how I was going to fit one in as they break up from school on the day of my first exam and then have another exam on the Monday after so that weekend was a write off for a party.

I'm going to chat with my mum some more about it tonight and make a decision.

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 11/06/2015 18:19

my 9yo said i was ruining her life when i said she needed not to be staring at her tablet so much and do her homework. They do this

wowfudge · 11/06/2015 18:21

Just to echo the consensus - go for it. It's only four weeks, but that extra time will make all the difference to them and you, positively.

I find my DP being around makes study difficult so with three children I dread to think!

Good luck with it all.

DevaDiva · 11/06/2015 18:29

Amazing respect for you having done so much and to your mum too for being so supportive. Your DS will get over it so do what's best for your long term security - good luck

debbriana · 11/06/2015 18:41

Well done to you. You must have a great mother. Send them to your mother. It's not the end of the wold.

SocksRock · 11/06/2015 18:44

A friend of mine is a forces liaison within a primary school and deals with a lot of short notice moves. She said that even getting them in one day before the end of the school year is beneficial to reducing anxiety about the September start as they have at least seen the school before they turn up into the chaos of a new class on the first day of term. Go for it - it's a short period of time for a massive benefit.

howabout · 11/06/2015 18:48

YANBU
Much less stressful for them, not to be around when you are doing the final stretch. You can concentrate fully on you and they get a chance to find their feet without worrying as gm will be in charge.
Agree with those saying better to move before summer holidays to start settling in process.

LadyTmalia · 11/06/2015 18:55

I echo all the YANBU's My eldest child is now on her 11th School (sixt form tbf) We have had short notice moves, long notice moves.
The short notices work more for us as they dont have time to dwell on it.

At (7) 9, (14) and 16 I was "ruining" their lives by moving them in Sats/GCSE years.
But I can honestly say it was the best for them, we had the very rare option of not moving due to the gcse's but we made sure we researched the school, that they were doing what we needed them too etc and went ahead with the
"I hate you all, you suck, my life is ruined" move.
It was (and is) the best move ever, better for them, 16year old aced her "only getting a C" gcses withs A's and a Distinction+ 14 year old made more friends than she knows what to do with. 9 year old did very well in their sats.

ANYWAY, my long winded way of saying, do your research, get the right school for them, move them and it will all be fine!
Good Luck.

cavkc · 11/06/2015 18:59

Firstly what an amazing example you are setting for your children, trust me when they grow up they will appreciate it.

It's a short term measure and one which it sounds like you have no option but to take. You can't risk throwing away the last 3 years when you've clearly worked so bloody hard to get to the stage you're at .. I cannot imagine completing a Master with young children around, let alone everything else you've take on.

I worked full time up until the very day DS was born and I was back at my desk 3 weeks later after a csection. I was the sole provider and it was down to me to keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table (long story I was supposed to be giving up work for at least 2 years but ex got sacked for having his hand in the cookie jar and he hasn't worked a day since!!). It was a very demanded job and I frequently had to work late and be away for a few nights every month. It was bloody tough and I felt so very guilty as that 'wasn't how it was supposed to be'. However, My DS is now 23 and is so driven to succeed he astounds even me with his work ethic .. And he will say 'I got that from my Mum' .. Love that boy to bits

I like the idea of them coming back for a party though before you pack up and leave.

Don't let them guilt trip you .. You are doing this FOR them

DoJo · 11/06/2015 18:59

Your ten year old will be convinced you're trying to ruin his life whenever the move happens - at least this way you aren't ruining your own as well. They will get over it once they are there, and if you give your mum permission to spoil them a bit while they are with her then I'm sure they will soon forget your evil plan to make their lives hell! Good luck!

lem73 · 11/06/2015 19:05

Good luck to you. I'm totally amazed by what you have done so far.

molyholy · 11/06/2015 19:14

Definitely go for it. As pps have said chance for them to make friends. I am dead impressed with what you have achieved and as others have said, its for all your futures. This is but a minor blip in the lives of your dc's (although it may not seem like). Good luck OP

01818118181 · 11/06/2015 19:15

I am also in awe at how much you've achieved as a SP of 3. Everything you've done is for a better and more secure future for all of you. They can't see that now but they will as they get older.

Allowing your mum to take them off your hands for this short period will be so worth it. Plan lovely weekends together and promise a phone call with them everyday after school to break the studying up and missing them lots. I feel like you'll have to find a really positive spin on this or you won't get the best out of your study time and they'll probably pull you up on it!
Hope all works out well, whatever you decide. You're an inspiration to many of us!

GaryBaldy · 11/06/2015 19:19

I moved around a fair bit as a child - they will get over it, it will be fine.

Masses of respect for what you are doing, you sound awesome.

maddening · 11/06/2015 19:22

The dc starting their new school now will give them a chance to meet dc that they can play with in the summer hols.

Original poster

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 11/06/2015 19:42

Thank you so much everyone, you have really helped me feel better about the decision. I'm so stressed at the moment I can't think straight and reading your comments has helped put it into all into perspective.

Also great to hear other stories of how moving at short notice has worked out well for all involved. The new school is a sister school to their old school and they should know a few of the kids there and my friends son goes there so I hope that will make the transition easier for them.

My mum is one amazing women and I know she will spoil them (and is far calmer than me right now so much more fun to be around). I honestly don't feel awesome, I feel bloody exhausted!!! At least this way though I can give it my best shot and time won't be so much against me as it is now.

It looks like I better get packing!!!

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 11/06/2015 19:46

Hey ain't MN grand for stuff like this? Supporting a woman just when she needs it. More power to your elbow OP

chairmeoh · 11/06/2015 19:54

Wow OP! Be super proud of yourself!
Your boys will have time to settle before the summer hols, and the idea of coming back for a leaving party is brilliant.
Good luck, I'm sure you'll smash your exams.
Any chance you can 'reward' them with a little holiday to thank them for helping you to achieve everything you've done?

lipsynch · 11/06/2015 20:01

Send them to your mum.
When I did my masters , I sent my dcs to my mother for three weeks.
I don't think that your mother should come to you as you will be unable to focus on your studies,

expatinscotland · 11/06/2015 20:04

Send them!

paddlenorapaddle · 11/06/2015 20:11

They are the reason why you are putting yourself through all this hard work a better life, its only a little while do it give yourself the best chance and them the best example of what it means to be a good parent.

Good Luck xox

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 12/06/2015 13:20

Send them. I was also advised when changing schools to do it at the end of the year not the beginning of the next.

DelightfulFunky · 12/06/2015 13:29

Yes, get packing! The 4 weeks will fly by and your DC will benefit from starting the school before the start of the next year.

Good luck x

LadyTmalia · 25/06/2015 20:29

How are you getting on Jaffacakes ?

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