To ask DIL's how they cope when horrible MIL comes to stay?

[ilovecatsanddogsbest]

Desperately need some tips to help me cope with cold fish MIL who shows no interest in any of the family including DH. She's only coming for a duty visit so she can pretend to her friends she cares. She is exhaustingly negative, tries to put DH down at any opportunity, raves on about golden child SIL and her dc and just generally awful. Help!

"I don't feel I can go out and leave them to it as I feel obliged to support dh."
Is it worth considering that it could be more supportive to protect him from her?

Fantastic advice thank you. I think we are on the verge of going NC as DH has realised he cannot win whatever he does - nothing is ever right. Never knew such awful people existed before I met her.

Contrary to the usual mil advice on here I would say that you have to take the brunt of it.

Why? Why can't you tell bullies to fuck off out of your house and not come back?

Just ask her - as a pp said - "Why do you want to come? DO you want to come? You don't seem to like it here"

Never knew such awful people existed before I met her. Sadly I felt the same about my MIL. Things are getting better now- shes not so much of a bully as yours is.

I too would like to know if your DH is willing to go NC?
If so I would phase her out, rather than ring her with a speech about not wanting her in your lives anymore. Start saying no to her staying with you.

Every time she is negative about your husband or children, laugh and say that they got that trait from her.

You have my every sympathy.
I have an evil mil who we no longer see

You cant change her and no amount of wishing - confronting - or game playing is going to make her more acceptable..shes not behaved this way for all these years because she dosnt now shes doing it.

So you could take it as an opportunity to plan for non contact.

Get her to sign a power of attourney or ask her if she has done this for your sil
Ask about her preferences for care homes or nursing and if she has funds in place for this or the higher costs of dementia care
Has she registered as a donor?
Does she have a non intervention wish in the event of critical care / illness?
What level of ability she expects to be able to be self sufficinet to?
Who she has down as exectutors of her will?
Where her will is?
What kind of funeral she would like and how she expects to pay for it...
and anything else that might come up in the future for your DH as next of kin.
make a tick list

At least this way you will be able to cut contact knowing what might come back and bite you should you choose to,
and frankly thats going to be a grim weekends conversation for her.

Have faced some similiar issues steps I eventually took included theses thought not necessarily all at same time!!!

1. stop going to any huge effort - she will likely not be grateful or indeed she may well be critical no matter how much effort is gone to - if so this will just make you even more annoyed with her - so just keep the house reasonably clean eat the meals you would normally eat etc
2. have an approximate idea of what you will be doing and plan in a day out and some trips - sometimes people like your mil may behave better in a more public setting particularly
3. reduce the time you spend with her alone - so that there is less opportunity for her to corner you with some moaning or citric ism - nothing wrong with leaving her with a cuppa and a paper while you get on with some jobs
4. make the visit short and based around what suits you as well as what suits her - again being overly indulgent of her preferences over your own if she is awkward and ungrateful is only going to lead to resentment
5. reduce the number of visits - particularly if you either don't have kids or if you do have kids and she shows little interest in them
6. early nights- my mil loves nothing better than to stay up til 1pm downloading her latest complaint or non- urgent crisis - in the end I just took to going to bed early so she didn't have the opprutunity
7. someone once told me that a good response to someone being very critical is to say "I don't know why you told me that" rather than sulk or start a big argument

Op I feel your pain. I am on the verge of hating my mil, shes kust awful.

One thing I am trying to do is spread the visits out. Twice a year instead of 4/5 times.

When pil visit, I now make no effort. I get on with my day. I am plannibg to start telling mil when she is rude.

Also, I'm planning to send dh and dcs to her, once they are old enough for dh to handle them all on the journey. Thats if I can trust him to pull her up when shes unkind to dcs. Cowbag

Why don't you suddenly all come down with a TERRIBLE bug - cancel this visit, and then think through what to do?

If you're seriously thinking about NC, then why put yourself through this visit - no point.

Cancel, then talk to your DH. You seem to be at tipping point...

I had to endure this for years. The rudeness. The terrible cruel remarks about my mother (who died young.) The total lack of interest in the DC (to the point DD2 actually failed to recognise MIL at a family gathering.) The passive aggressive "oh don't do anything to put yourselves out, I'll eat/do whatever" followed by rejection of every food item offered, along with barbed comments about how she'd never seen anybody do things the way I do them before (even, apparently, the way I chop mushrooms. That's when I realised it was never going to get better.) The terrible condescension if I tried to engage her in any type of conversation (she doesn't like television, cinema, etc as they are beneath her, but if I tried to talk about politics etc I was told I didn't understand.) The only difference was that she did apparently want to spend time with DH.

Our solution was fairly drastic. She moved overseas. I don't reply to the passive aggressive whining emails wondering why I just won't talk to her.

Good luck.

The bingo idea is a good one - my Bil had one for his gran. In the middle of Christmas dinner he got up and shouted Bingo! when she had got through her list of stock conversation topics. Everyone laughed and she never got why.
Every time she comes out with a negative comment, do a fake toothsome smile, toss your head back and do a short equally fake laugh and finish with a "Oh Mil, you're sooo funny!"
Then spend the next half an hour moaning about how you're still getting cramps from the nasty bout of D&V you had the night before.
Keep offering her drinks and snacks you know she hates in a full on Mrs Doyle style. "Oh go on! Go on!"
Keep asking her if she's feeling all right. Look very concerned. If she says "I'm fine." then say "Oh..... if you say so." Then ask again half an hour later.
Be out when she's due to arrive. Don't come home till she's been waiting at least an hour. Look ever so surprised when you get home. "Oh, you came TODAY?"

Or just tell her not to come any more.

My sensible advice is to drop the emotional connection and the guilt. Then you can allow yourself to have fun at her expense if she still insists on visiting.

Mil is staying with us for 2 weeks in the summer. I can't get time off work because I told dh loads of people are off during that time shame I'm also going to be super busy in the evenings after work and have already arranged to be busy with my hobby during break the Saturdays (horse shows/mucking out etc) - the Sunday's I'll be visiting friends

Dh isn't happy. But gets that I don't particularly want to spend time with her (huge backstory).

Agree with Tequilla and WhereYouLeftIt.
The less she sees you all the less ammunition she has and the better you will all feel. Agree about the debilitating effect of FOG on your DH too and this is why I would stand my ground if I were you.
Disagree with those suggesting you let her come but disengage. This would protect you but exacerbate the problem for DH and DC.

We have similar. To our horror ils decided to come on our precious summer holiday with us. Dh emailed politely to say they couldn't but were welcome to visit us another time. Mil went mental.

She is of the firm opinion that you can treat your adult children however you want and they have to put up with it as she is their mother. She has even said this. Sadly her belief isn't working out very well for her funnily enough neither son can stand her..