AIBU to leave 13 YO DD to decide which school? (partly state vs private issue)

[NoonarAgain]

DD1 is a mature, bright 13 yo. She is in year 8 and has been at a small local private school since year 7.

dd2 is due to start year 7 in September. she potentially has a place at the private school and at the state school.

At Easter we made a joint family decision to send both girls to the (good ) local comprehensive. Both girls were fully behind this decision- and in fact it was their preference.

The main reasons were a general feeling of disillusionment with the private school, especially about rather uninspiring teaching (despite good GCSE results). Also, as a teacher in the state system, i have never felt very comfortable with the whole private school thing, and prefer a school that doesn't feel like it's existing in some kind of 'bubble'.

Fast forward a few months...DD1 has suddenly got massively cold feet about moving school and is far more motivated and content at school. (One of the reasons about our decision to move her was that she was becoming unmotivated, but now she seems to have got back on track with her school work).

So... do we let her decide which school to go to ? Or do we decide for her? Or do we say 'we've made our decision and we're sticking with it'?

DD2 is has her heart set on the local comp- so if dd1 stays put, we will have one at state and one at private. this is not something that worries dh and me, as we feel sure that we are not giving one an unfair advantage. both schools get good results and both offer good extra curricular etc. however, there may be a perception of unfairness. this is ironic, as i actually feel that the state school is better in many ways!

dd1 is very feisty and quite a drama queen. she can also be very anxious. I was quite surprised when she was brave enough to embrace a move to the state school, but she convinced us it was what she wanted. now that she is having a change of heart, I'm so unsure what to do. I don't want to chop and change but can't see the woods for the trees at the moment.

AIBU to say to dd1 that it's her decision? Or is that expecting too much of a 13 yo?

AIBU to have one at state and one at private, in these circumstances?

Advice please!

I would let her make her own choice. It's all very well saying you're going to such and such a school and that's final but if she's not content there she's not going to flurish. Regardless of how intelligent she is.

I think you're making the right choice and agree with Pandora. Given what you say about the state school, I'm sure that, if DD2 works hard, she will be able to get good grades. If good grades at that state school are unusual then it would be a different issue.

You can always put aside money so you can offer private tutoring to DD2 if she ever wants / needs it.

I suspect your bigger issue (in your DDs eyes rather than a real issue) will be the disparity in holidays and length of school days!

I wouldn't worry about the private / state bit. I was thinking about this the other day as my eldest is at an outstanding comp and has several school friends with siblings at highly selective top of the table independent schools. When I mentally counted up the people we know of who have done this I could think of about 40 off the top if my head. I suspect in most cases one child is superbright other child not so much and would never get into highly selective school therefore outstanding comp has equal if not better results and facilities as second rate private therefore decision made. Not an issue, all get to go to a good school.

thanks so much everyone. i'm pleasantly surprised at the posts so far, as i was expecting most people to make more of any perceived unfairness.

pandora, glad you didn't blame your parents for your grades!

overtired, as well as tutoring, another option is that we could pay for private sixth form for one or bot, if that seemed like a good idea at the time.

re the holidays, they have they disparity already and surprisingly, dd2 does not complain at all! it would be really tricky for me, actually, if they were both at private school as i teach in a state primary. the holiday supervision is already a bit of an issue now, but getting less so as dd1 gets older.

oh and everso, this is a second rate private, i can assure you!

I agree that I'd let both children decide. There's nothing to stop DD2 moving to private in the future if she wants to or indeed, as you've mentioned, paying for private sixth form (or extra GCSE tutoring if needed). I'd keep the private door available for DD2 purely because DD1 is there, but it would only be unfair if you refused to pay for one.

I had extra tutoring to pass the 11+ and went to the local grammar school. When it was my brother's turn, the 11+ had gone and he didn't want to sit the entrance exam to the grammar school, he wanted to go to the local comp. Mum let him make up his own mind, however the door was open had he wanted to sit the entrance exam in the future. He ended up transferring to a very good sixth form, which he sorted out himself. I have better GSCE and A-level exam results than him and went to uni, he did an apprenticeship after A-levels but earns twice my salary. We're just really different personalities and thrived in different environments.

Your dd1 made one decision at Easter and has changed her mind now she is facing reality - I'd be worried that she was too scared of the change period to make the choice she really wants to, I'd be exploring that with her.

thanks purple. i think you've made a key point- i'm offering private to dd2 too. i suppose i'd overlooked the fact than many people wouldn't give dc the choice.

petal, i have explored that with her. she says its a more a question of having a grass is always greener attitude (previously) and having the mindset of ' this school is rubbish, i want to leave'.

she said that 3 of her worst teachers are going and that she is starting to appreciate some of the merits of her current school, whilst also being terrified of the change.

i think its also a realisation of how much easier life would be (emotionally) if she stays put.

i know i have discussed transition already, especially with loki, but...Would i be unreasonable to ask for dd to attend a few extra transition days before the end of term, so that dd can experience the comp properly and make a more informed choice? Or do you think we should just decide to stay put and abandon the transition days, as it might just confuse dd and delay the decision?

will the school think I'm being precious if i ask for extra transition, on the basis that everyone else going into year 9 is at the same feeder school already?

I think you're focussing on the wrong child and wrong decision here.

The question should really be is DD2 old enough to make this decision or should we make it for her?

Because really, more could go wrong there...
State school could vary much more year to year, class to class. She might do worse than her sister...she may grow to resent you allowing her to choose to go to state school, and wonder if this was financially motivated etc etc etc...

mrs, I'm only 'focussing on dd1' because she's the one that is changing her mind :( and rocking the boat!

i tried to describe both dds' personalities up thread and dd2 is much more of do well wherever she is kind of girl, who is never drawn to rebellious children, for example. dd1 is more of a madam. bright but a drama queen and massively over thinks everything (like her mum, lol!).

i did also make the point about her being too young to choose. another thing, mrs, is that there is a lower and upper school at the comp. dd2 could go to the lower school and then go private if we had any concerns.

I have neighbours whose DCs go to a private school in the top 100 in the country.
Yes, they get good results but about 80 - 90% of pupils have additional private tuition.