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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disheartened and frankly fed up with DP (long sorry!!)

47 replies

KeepingUpAppearances1 · 09/06/2015 22:05

Okay, this is my first MN post and I need some MN wisdom.

Here's some background, I work 3 days a week as an Estate Agent (I know boooo hiss ) my partner works full time.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping without complaint. I don't mind doing it at all after all I don't work as many hours. I make sure there's always cold beers in the fridge and that there is never anything in the laundry basket. I bring DP beers, bring him his tea, knife, fork, sauce, anything he asks really. He has nothing to do around the house except sit and be served.

Yet sometimes, he is still an absolute arse with me. For inexplicable reasons. He just switches from reasonable to unreasonable. We were just watching The Enforcers, and due to my line of work I happened to point out that there is a lengthy time scale from not paying rent to a court order. That's all. I didn't say it was right (I don't think anyone should be made homeless ever) I was just adding to the conversation about it. He then went into a full scale rant at me at how typical it was of me to look down on people and laugh at them. How bad I am as a person and basically insults of that nature. I tried to defend my position by saying actually I didn't laugh at anyone I was just adding to conversation and I got told "just leave it, or we're really going to fall out"

Was I being unreasonable here ? I feel like I do everything I just get nothing back.

OP posts:

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 10/06/2015 07:43

Ya certainly nbu to feel this way but im afraid you have set a precedence with this indulgent behaviour and it puts you on a subservient footing. He sees you as a lowly being there for his convenience and he's not interested in your opinions and views

RabbitSaysWoof · 10/06/2015 07:47

YANBU but I think you know that really.
I would run fast or at the very least stop being a Stepford Wife.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2015 08:09

He sounds horrible

stop waiting on him hand and foot, this isn't the 1950's for christ sake

OTheHugeManatee · 10/06/2015 08:25

The way you phrase your first post suggests you believe that waiting on this man hand and foot will make him love and be nice to you.

Unfortunately the reverse is usually true: behaving like a servant will get you treated like one. You have the evidence right in front of you.

I'd get out if I were you. Up your hours to full time, get your own place and I guarantee you'll still be doing less than you do working part-time with this lazy, entitled prick hanging about insulting you.

morelikeguidelines · 10/06/2015 08:31

You could ltb and be perfectly sensible to do so.

Depending on general behaviour you could try talking about this first. By which I mean a re division of labour and tackling him about his disrespectful attitude. If he is not interested you could go back to the position of ltb.

If you think this is salvageable, you could consider relate or simila?

Dowser · 10/06/2015 08:35

Staying with him will only end in tears.

Yours!

TendonQueen · 10/06/2015 08:37

It's hard to see why you are still with him. Why are you? Do you have DC

Agree with O before too that doing everything doesn't get you better treatment. It just reinforces the idea that you don't have any needs yourself and he doesn't have to think of you as a real person.

SpamAnderson · 10/06/2015 09:25

Obviously we only see the one side of the story but from what I've read he doesn't sound like he has any redeeming qualities? You do everything for him as well as bringing in money to the household, you don't get respect from him and he speaks to you, certainly not as an equal. Are there any good points to your relationship? He sounds like a controlling piece of work and like others have said, he's training you to watch what you say and that is no way to live. There's nothing wrong with doing everything around the house etc, my DH works full time, commutes etc, I own my own business and work from home but I do 99% of the house stuff but I'm happy to do it as I don't get treated like rubbish, what I do is appreciated and he's a wonderful husband and dad just wish he'd clean the bloody car once in awhile
It sounds similar to the way my mum lives tbh. She does everything as well as working for my dad (he owns his own business) and heaven forbid something is not done. She gets no respect whatsoever, he's had affairs etc but she stays. This has been for over 30 years. Do not let yourself live like this, do not get older and think 'why didn't I see the signs and get out earlier'. My mum wants to get out but feels she is now 'too old' to do it. It's heart breaking to see. I think it's time to have a proper think about things, you don't sound happy at all so why stay and be miserable?

ApeMan · 10/06/2015 09:30

Sounds worryingly like an irrational lefty.

If so, LTB for someone with a functioning brain and testosterone supply, who doesn't feel the need to compensate for the lack of either, by exploding at you for being factually correct.

ApeMan · 10/06/2015 09:34

Also "look down on people? Look DOWN on people? How about you pick up your shit, wash your clothes, clean up and cook the tea occasionally and learn to wipe your own arse, then we will talk about who 'looks DOWN on people' when you stop living like a pampered fucking prince with a servant"

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 10/06/2015 09:40

Well said ApeMan, and everyone else.

He sounds very unpleasant, abusive and I predict your relationship will only get worse. Get rid. And really, stop doing everything for him, he's not a God.

reni1 · 10/06/2015 09:40

Sounds drunk and argumentative. Start by not stocking the fridge with beer, see if that helps. Then look at your week (numbers of paid hours), then his. Work out the difference in hours, those are the hours you put into housekeeping. Any housekeeping left over gets split 50:50.

TendonQueen · 10/06/2015 09:44

Nothing to do with politics. I'm a lefty (who likes to think I'm rational ). This bloke is just looking for an excuse, any excuse, to pick a fight. Though ApeMan makes a good point that it's laughable to have a go at someone for looking down on others when they clearly look down on you and treat you like an indentured servant.

He enjoys telling you that you're wrong and a bad person, OP. I don't see much value in a relationship where one person gets off on putting the other down.

Lookoutthewindow · 10/06/2015 09:58

Urg, I bet you feel completely and utterly miserable. I say this because by partner is exactly the same as yours and it's a horrible situation.

He doesn't respect you, end of. You won't make him change because he's lived this way for so long. He's clearly stubborn, uncaring and you well know you don't have an equal balance in your household.

YANBU. You are however, unhappy.

nellieellie · 10/06/2015 10:55

Ok, this is going to sound harsh. You are creating a dynamic here. You act like a skivvy, you wait on him. He looks down on you, or maybe that bit came first and because of your lack of self esteem, you do everything for him to try to get him to not look down on you. He feels in control of you, so polices what you say as a way of keeping you down. You take it, but complain bitterly about it........ And so it continues. Am I being unreasonable? you ask. I do so much for him, you say. Well, a person with normal self esteem would not be asking AIBU. They would be telling him to FO. Or probably not, because a woman with normal self esteem would probably not be with such a git, or at least, not for long. Make a choice. Go on with the last century wifey act, and accept that he will continue to be the oppressive male, or decide that you do not want this sort of relationship and divvy up the housework, and let him get his own beer out the fridge. Btw I hope you don't have kids with him, as you would be a rubbish role model at the moment. I do hope you come to realise your worth, and learn that you can take control of this situation, either by changing it, or leaving it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/06/2015 11:23

You shouldn't have commented you know
Women know your limits

He doesn't respect you. You think you are being kind but he thinks you are a skivvy. You are not the housekeeper to run around after his every need. He can get his own meals or even cook you the odd one. I work longish hours and DH works part time from home, some days I cook the evening meal I might even do some ironing or load the dishwasher

butterfly133 · 10/06/2015 22:56

Are you there, OP? Hope you're okay.

Spog · 10/06/2015 23:51

LTB.
definitely LTB.
he hates you.
its not your fault, but you need to call it a day i'm afraid.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 11/06/2015 00:04

where have you gone and are you for real ?

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/06/2015 00:14

" He has nothing to do around the house except sit and be served.
Yet sometimes, he is still an absolute arse with me."

That word 'still' - it says to me that you have been diddled into thinking that there is some level of service, some level of skivvying, that will ensure he is not an arse. This is a fundemental mistake, and one that you really need to deal with.

When someone is an arse, they are an arse in a total vacuum. What is happening around them does not affect them - it does not make them less of an arse, it does not make them more of an arse, it touches them not. You absolutely CANNOT behave in any way that will stop him from being an arse. Accept that fact, and everything else will follow.

So, you know that you cannot change him, nothing you do will make any difference - where do you go from here? Well, you can start by thinking about what you want from this life. Do you want to live like this? When you envisage being happy, is he part of it, or do you have to delete him from the dream? Keep in mind, while you think about your future, that you cannot change him. He is what he wants to be, and you, by skivvying for him, enable him to continue being an arse.

toomuchtooold · 11/06/2015 05:47

Hey OP, you've got a unanimous vote that your OH is an arse. Trouble is though, it doesn't matter a bit how right you are, it's not going to stop him acting like an arse. I don't think you're going to be able to change that TBH. If you don't have kids, why not just leave, and have a nice life?

ovumahead · 11/06/2015 05:52

Where's the OP gone?!

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