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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We said we would eventually move but now...

10 replies

mikado1 · 09/06/2015 19:53

Six years ago myself and my dh bought a house, with the explicit understanding that we would move (approx 2 hours) eventually-we had mentioned before any children start school etc.

Now with two secure jobs (same job situation as previously), a sizeable mortgage that we would nonetheless cover with some spare change should we sell, and a toddler plus one on the way, I am really feeling the pull and would like to start thinking seriously and being more proactive about the move. However ultra-sensible DH now says 'I don't know if we can leave two jobs' and, more frustratingly 'we never said definitely'....

I know this is not a straightforward AIBU, at least I don't think so, but I feel very disappointed that our original plan has now become a really unlikely when to me this was the ever after and where I really feel home is, where I feel we will live our fullest lives-lower standard of living, smaller town, shorter commute, family nearby etc.

I don't plan on being completely ridiculous-dh would be able to take a year's leave with the no-risk option to return and we could rent our house. I am almost certainly going to get a job in the new location, and he would likely be kept going to. Obviously it would take a real desire to move on both sides and a leap of faith-as I get older I feel much more relaxed about the ins and outs and know we would be fine and get the security back eventually-we are both very experienced in separate very employable sectors..

I am feeling really bitter that this plan is now being more or less dismissed when very honestly, it could have been a bit of a deal breaker at the time.

OP posts:

OrangeVase · 09/06/2015 20:03

Are you in a city now so handy for work and you are yearning for the village/ country lifestyle?

What would your DH feel he was missing out on if you moved? Or is it the hassle of moving or the fear of financial insecurity now that there are dependents?

Talk to him - there might be a compromise

OrangeVase · 09/06/2015 20:04

Sorry - obvs you have talked. I just meant break it down a bit more.

Original poster

mikado1 · 09/06/2015 20:13

Thanks OrangeVase.

Tbh we haven't talked properly as it quickly becomes 'How could we leave two perm jobs' Vs. 'But you said!' I know he would think it a huge burden to rent the house but that's just the way to make it as risk free as poss-one of us would have to resign job.

I think it is fear of financial insecurity really... I am literally ready to pack my bags but know another year or two more likely but my fear is it will never happen. Where we are now is suburban but just not as easy to reach amenities/friends as it would be in preferred location..it's the simpler life there alright but not a huge change in terms of lifestyle.

OP posts:

OrangeVase · 09/06/2015 20:58

I understand the pattern of that type of conversation. Hard to get past. Mediation can sometimes help.

It is a real pity because it could be exciting - a new experience but I do understand the fear of letting the jobs go - especially now. Is there a halfway option?

Original poster

mikado1 · 09/06/2015 21:24

Not really it's a definite spot-half the rent of where we are now and almost half the cost for house prices too so the financial situation will be greatly eased and I feel once one of us working we would be fine..

OP posts:

Original poster

mikado1 · 10/06/2015 18:47

Any other advice/opinions on this situation?

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 10/06/2015 18:53

Firstly if your looking to relocate then you both need to secure new jobs in your chosen location then you can move, rent a house with view to buy

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/06/2015 19:00

Do you think it's definitely financial worries for him, rather than he now loves the house and area?

If so, what about a bit of compromise. Could you agree to move, say in 3 years time, and in that 3 years save like crazy to give your dh a financial cushion he'd be happy with if it takes longer to get jobs etc.

Original poster

mikado1 · 10/06/2015 21:17

Thanks for views.

Realistically one of us getting a job would be enough (I think) but equally we will not get the secure jobs we have now immediately so there will have to be a certain amount of accepting a worse situation to start with, and maybe for a few years. I just think it would be a pity not to move just because of that when we will manage fine with 'doing ok' for a while.

I can't see how we can both get jobs unless timing incredible so that is something we would both have to accept.

OP posts:

howabout · 10/06/2015 22:12

We relocated countries with neither having a job to go to and a baby so it can be done. Previous to that we also did one of us relocate to the other end of the country and the other follow when one had found a job. I think sometimes it is easier to take risks when there is nothing to lose and so having 2 secure jobs makes it harder rather than easier as it should be.
I would say the longer you leave it the harder it will be to make the leap.
Sounds like your DH may be getting cold feet on change of lifestyle rather than worry about risk though tbh? Not much risk if he can keep his job open and you are not planning on house sale immediately anyway?

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