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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to now give up with driving?

66 replies

Focusfocus · 09/06/2015 12:30

I am 30 years old and was raised in an Asian country where people have 'drivers' and learning to drive/driving your own vehicle is simply not the norm. I moved to UK (London) for multiple higher degrees and obviously while I lived on beans and toast and had the Oyster student card I had to no reason to learn how to drive.

Fast forward five years. I live in the middle of the country, work in a different county, nothing much of public transport around, and expecting dc1. I desperately desperately need to drive. I bought a second hand car, spent £1659 on lessons and passed theory one shot and have been trying for a year now, but every test ends in tears. And failure.

First test - I was a mess, hardly had ten lessons. Write off.
Second test - got blinded by light and touched a kerb
Third test - fantastic drive, messed up the bay park at the end returning to test centre. No other faults at all, clean sheet.
Fourth test - was 7 weeks pregnant, Vomitting every ten minutes, can't even remember it, vomited in the middle of the test. Dozens of faults.
Today, fifth test - 5 months pregnant. fantastic drive. No fault. Except a van came up to my arse just as I was finishing off a beautiful turn in the road and I was deemed too close to it.

AIBU to think this is it? Al this money, all this time, perhaps some people just cannot drive? I am getting so so frustrated, spending hundreds on train fares, unable to go any places on my own for leisure, child on the way. I have never failed anything in my life, let alone five times.

It's so hard to find dates around here, and I even have an account with a cancellation finding company.

I feel so, so dejected. I feel useless really. I love driving, I love being behind the wheel, and every time it's a little something that slips up.

Is anyone around here who was in a similar place but did in the end make it? I am so so so demoralised.

OP posts:
ewanhoozami · 09/06/2015 19:01

Keep going keep going! I know how much it hurts to fail. I used to look at all the drivers on the road and wonder how the hell they passed and I couldn't.

My instructor told me (somewhat controversially) that it's much more difficult for intelligent people to learn to drive as they over-think it rather than just seeing the car as an extension of their body. You're probably too bloody clever, OP Wink

awesomeness · 09/06/2015 19:10

My sister took 8 attempts and I took 3 and passed when I was 29, dont give up! you will honestly get there in the end. I'm 6 months after passing now and seriously can't see what I was so worked up about haha

i had horrible examiners for first 2. 3rd try and I had a lovely guy who relaxed me. I'd done every trick in the book for calm like eating a banana, 1 paracetamol and bachs rescue remedy hahahaha probably nothing to do with me being calm but made me think I was calm,placebo effect!

forgot I was on a test and thinking I'd only been out 10 mins and he said and you can turn back into the test center and I'm like 'what? its over :/' convinced I'd failed as I clearly hadn't paid attention, cried on the poor bloke when he said I'd passed

MadisonMontgomery · 09/06/2015 19:10

I didn't think I would pass - but when I went for my test there had been a huge accident nearby & the roads were pretty much gridlocked. So we basically just drove around for a bit & he passed me! It was pure luck.

AwayAndRunUpMaHumf · 09/06/2015 19:12

You will pass, honestly! You're obviously so close, please book it again. I passed first time and by my own admission I'm not the greatest driver, so much is down to luck and conditions on the day. I'd say book one for around 10/ 1030 am, once the morning rush is out the way, and the best advice my instructor gave me was 'its a speed limit, not a target' (I can put my foot down too easily sometimes) and 'you're trying to send the examiner to sleep ' Best of luck OP.

newname64 · 09/06/2015 19:19

Agree with others - keep going - I passed at 4th attempt - all due to nerves and not that I was a bad driver.

I'm sure you will get there in the end .. Good luck x

iMogster · 09/06/2015 19:41

I felt like giving up after 4 fails, 2 while pregnant and feeling really rough. I think I had had put extra pressure on myself because I wanted to pass before DS arrived.
I had 3 good tests and nearly passed, just nerves got the better of me.

One test was a disaster due to my tester being a nightmare, a car cut me up and blocked me driving forward, he leaned over me honked the horn a few times and then opened his window and shouted a lot.

When I passed on my 5th attempt, I burst into tears!
The freedom is life changing. KEEP GOING. It's worth it and it sounds like you're almost there. Good luck. x

NKffffffffddab07ceX11ff4f93902 · 09/06/2015 19:46

Don't give up! It took me 6 times and I have been driving over 10 years with no accidents! For me it was nerves/feeling consciously incompetent. Before the test, everything went wrong and I thought stuff it and just drove! That's what got me through..

NKffffffffddab07ceX11ff4f93902 · 09/06/2015 19:46

PS I said to the driving test guy, I could kiss you! And he said, No love, please don't!

Softcookie · 09/06/2015 19:53

Don't give up! You're so close.

My advice is to stop seeing this as something you're failing at, and just get on with it. You're clearly a perfectionist and I think this is probably making this whole thing more of a big deal than it really is. You just haven't passed yet - but once you have your permit, it won't matter what it took to get it!

BestIsWest · 09/06/2015 19:55

Keep going, it took me 8 attempts.

Fluffcake · 09/06/2015 19:58

Don't give up please. You will love the independence when you pass.
Have you thought about an intensive driving course? I think they guarantee passing (but I may have made that up).
Friend took so many tests he was a gibbering rec - in the end he had hypnosis to help his nerves and passed.
Good luck op

HeyDuggee · 09/06/2015 19:59

It is a very difficult test. I passed it on my 3rd try and I am an experienced driver of twenty plus years (and held licenses in two other countries).

Nolim · 09/06/2015 20:12

never failed a thing, this one hurts very much.

I can totally relate op. I had not failed a test of any kind since i was 10 or so, and passed the uk driving test in my fifth attempt! Every time i would get so mad that my dp avoided me for a few days. And i was on mat leave so i could only take lessons on weekends where my oh was around.

Keep going, you will be su much better once you pass and have freedom of movement.

AlwaysAFool · 09/06/2015 20:18

You will pass eventually you have put alot of money and time in and it would be a waste to give up now.
I am sitting my 1st test in a couple weeks.

ashtrayheart · 09/06/2015 20:20

If you love driving keep going. I hated it (i passed first time though!) so stopped.

ashtrayheart · 09/06/2015 20:20

Should add that was after a billion lessons though and test was a fluke. I hate driving!

Ionone · 09/06/2015 20:24

Keep going! I passed my test more than two decades after beginning to learn (and no, I wasn't having lessons all that time - gave up for a long time in the middle). I can't tell you the relief and the sense of achievement! You can do it. I would suggest maybe looking for another instructor and having a trial lesson with him or her to see if someone else's approach suits you better.

TheWhoOfWhoville · 09/06/2015 20:31

Don't give up! I passed on my 6th (shhhh) attempt. The first few I was pretty rubbish, the later tests were just a combination of bad luck and low confidence I think. I got a new instructor and was very upfront about not being confident and my past failures and asked for a totally honest assessment of whether I should keep going, he was great. The rest was just luck, I had a really easy test route and a lovely examiner. I honestly thought I'd never ever pass my test, I'd been taking them over a period of 10 years!

I've been driving for a year now, I've gradually built up confidence and I'm actually quite good. You absolutely can do it and if you give up you might end up taking 10 years like I did so keep going!

JohnnyDeppsfuturewife · 09/06/2015 20:48

I know exactly how you feel. I failed my test four times and it's the only test in my life I have ever failed. I was so embarrassed that I have never told anyone in real life - not even Dh.

Like you, I failed every test for a different reason, so it wasn't a problem with my driving, just nerves on each day. I thought I'd never do it so had a break for 20 years. I started lessons again, in secret, and passed on my fifth test.

I know it feels like you'll never get there but honestly you will. Just learn from each test, ask your instructor how to handle each failure situation differently and you'll get there. Or perhaps get an different instructor who can point out things your current instructor may have missed? Your life will be so transformed please don't give up.

TheAssassinsGuild · 09/06/2015 20:54

Keep on with it! I passed last year when I was 43. There are lots of people on here who have passed at an older age than you, or after more attempts that you. YOU WILL DO IT!!!

Trini24 · 10/06/2015 02:23

I started my lessons while I was 3 months pregnant & it took me 15 months to pass on the 4th attempt. My first test I was really calm & confident and I thought I should've passed but I was marked 1 serious fault for waiting too long for a bigger car to park on the main road. I didn't want to overtake thinking I will get marked down for impatience but that went against me. The examiner was an ass & I got him again on my 2nd exam so I knew I would fail before I even left the test centre. Even though I got a different examiner on 3rd one, my confidence was so shaky I made basic mistakes. The 4th test I should've failed too but the examiner felt sorry for me cos he knew it was my 4th try so I was very lucky he passed me that day.

All those times I came home to my baby having failed my tests made me so miserable but I didn't want to give up cos we would've been stuck at home while my partner is at work.

Don't think about the failed tests & look forward to driving your baby to lots of nice places in the near future. This will motivate you to keep going. It's just a matter of time & your luck will turn. I thought about changing my instructor if I failed the 4th test as I knew I needed another persons perspective & different way of teaching. Maybe you should consider that to build your confidence leading up to the test.

Good luck & I hope you get your license soon!

n0ne · 10/06/2015 06:52

Don't give up! I just passed my driving test on the fourth attempt after 56 lessons and a year and a half of trying. I was in the same boat as you - lived in London umpteen years, then moved somewhere where you need a car with a baby (in my case the Netherlands) and suddenly found myself learning to drive at 35yo. It is BLOODY hard, you don't have the fearlessness of a 17yo, nor the ability to pick up a skill easy as anything that young 'uns have. And I felt a failure - if everybody and his dog can drive, what's wrong with me??? But it's a lot to do with luck. You were super-unlucky for two of your tests. Keep plugging away and the cards will fall your way at some point! Smile

Charley50 · 10/06/2015 07:00

Yes don't give up! I failed three times in my twenties and gave up for 15 years. When I was 40 I did a semi intensive, driving instructor was brilliant, EDC method, very methodical. I told the examiner I was nervous but got him on my side with some clever psychology. my legs shook throughout the test, I stalled twice but reacted calmly each time, and passed. I was elated.
Now I find driving so easy. Just do it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/06/2015 07:03

Keep at it, you're nearly there.

Is it worth considering moving to a different test centre? You'd want some practice there to be familiar with the roads. If you're having difficulty gettting a slot then somewhere else might be easier. I heard about pass rates on the radio recently and it sounded like cities were worst.

Charley50 · 10/06/2015 07:05

Oh and I agree that you should get as much practice in as possible (unless your DH is critical of your driving; that will make you lose confidence. )