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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour giving out information about me

23 replies

Jasmine2233 · 09/06/2015 10:57

i moved here because I was going through domestic violence and I'm bascially hiding in an area in London. I came here for peace and to be left alone.
I say hi and bye to my neighbours but they know nothing about me and that's how I like it.

The man below me is a nosey old man.
Somebody came to my door today and rang my bell.
I always ignore my door if I'm not expecting. I was in bed and I have single pane windows so I can hear everything.
the nosey man downstairs came out and the stranger said to him "am I ringing your bell"
nosey man said "no who are you looking for"
The stranger said "somebody called jasmine" (me)

Nosey man said "she's in because that's her car, she's probably in bed"

Why does this man think he can give out information like what I drive to strangers? I am nothing to do with him so why is he even coming outside when nobody rang his bell.
This is the second time he has done something like this. He also told the TV licence people my name (I don't need a tv licence) but he keeps getting involved in my business and I'm sick of this!

I cannot risk my ex maybe turning up and this idiot saying yeah jasmine lives here that's her car, she leaves at blah time for work ect

I cannot move either and I've constantly moved because of DV I like this flat and I felt at peace here finally.
What should I do about this?

I'm a tenant of a housing association property and so is he.

OP posts:

BobbyElvis · 09/06/2015 10:59

YABU. He doesn't know your situation. He probably felt he was helping. Why don't you ask him to not give out any information in the future?

I doubt the housing association will take a complaint like that seriously.

MrsNextDoor · 09/06/2015 10:59

YANBU to be worried. But what he said was not particularly personal....it's what most people might say when someone is ringing or knocking at a neighbours' home.

You could ask the HA to move again if you do feel at risk.

SaucyJack · 09/06/2015 11:00

I remember your last thread.

No advice, but sympathy. He sounds like a prick.

KingTut · 09/06/2015 11:03

Some people think they are helping when they are limited or nieve and being unhelpful.

I can't stand nosey people like your neighbour poking their nose in. You would think he would have learned by now it's not helpful behaviour.

BarbarianMum · 09/06/2015 11:08

People talk. They have a right to talk about you. What he said falls within the realms of normal neighbourly interaction.

I can see why you don't like it, but it can't be helped. Maybe better to move again and change your name if you want true anonymity. That sounds extreme but it may actually give you peace of mind.

quietasamouse · 09/06/2015 11:08

To be honest most people would probably do as he did. In his mind he's not exactly giving away national secrets! I understand why it's annoying to you though.

VacantExpression · 09/06/2015 11:12

I think you need to explain your situation to him and he might act differently. It seems awful to you but actually I take in parcels for neighbours all the time for example as I'm home a lot and I might say "oh that's odd, their cars there" its just something you say.
YABU and unrealistic to expect people to behave a certain way that is out of the norm without letting them know why. He's just being a neighbour.

Original poster

Jasmine2233 · 09/06/2015 11:13

Ok thanks for answering everyone, so should I just not say anything to him? I don't want to start a fight but he is being to involved.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 09/06/2015 11:15

I would give the same information about any of my neighbours unless they told me that they preferred I didn't ( wouldn't need to give details).
He probably thinks he's being helpful

Collaborate · 09/06/2015 11:15

It's up to you how much you choose to share, but what he's done so far is perfectly normal.

Original poster

Jasmine2233 · 09/06/2015 11:15

Oh okay, I am a bit paranoid considering the situation. I will just leave it then.

OP posts:

caitlinohara · 09/06/2015 11:18

To be honest I might have said exactly the same thing. Can you go and explain your situation (not in detail) and why you are (understandably) anxious?

KingTut · 09/06/2015 11:20

I would leave it op as he is likely to repeat that you suffered dv too.

The plus side is the nosey git will call the police on your behalf, if he is suspicious.

BarbarianMum · 09/06/2015 11:23

Yes, I wouldn't give him any more ammo tbh. If all he knows is your first name and what car you drive he can't do too much harm. He doesn't need to know your business, esp as he does sound on the nosey side of helpful.

Birdsgottafly · 09/06/2015 11:24

X post with King, but, I would make it clear to him that you are single and only you live there (or will ever be in the property, if that is the case, no Dad etc), because his nosiness may be a lifesaver one day.

The fact that no-one can be about your property without him involving himself, could be a safety net.

Isetan · 09/06/2015 11:25

I am a victim of DV myself and my address is secret from my Ex and his family. However, I don't think your neighbour is being deliberately nosey, if someone rang my neighbour's bell and asked for them by name, I would probably assume they were in contact with this person. It's a difficult thing to gauge sometimes, as a society we are horrified when someone lays dead undiscovered in their homes for months but yet we also expect to keep ourselves to ourselves and for neighbours to respect this.

As for the TV license situation, contact them as ignoring them won't make them go away.

olgaga · 09/06/2015 11:29

I agree with PP who are pointing out the positive aspects of this.

If he's always there, clocking visitors, people/cars lurking, he may be very useful to you.

flanjabelle · 09/06/2015 11:31

I think in your shoes I would have to assume that he is simply trying to help/is nosy/perhaps lonely and try to understand that he didn't know the possible implications of his actions.

I would have a polite and friendly word with him something along the lines of:

"Hi neighbour, I need to have a chat. I am sorry that person ringing my bell disturbed you, but is there any chance you could not give out information about me to people who knock? I have had a very tough time with an ex partner and have moved here to get away from them, it is worrying me that they might come here and ask you about my whereabouts/car etc. I would really appreciate your help in this, thank you very much."

You wouldn't be giving too much away about yourself, but hopefully would prevent the issues you are worried about.

quietasamouse · 09/06/2015 13:39

I wouldn't give him more details to be honest. You don't want your story spreading.

susanstryingterm · 09/06/2015 13:45

I think some of the comments on the elderly man have been very unkind. He is from a generation when people spoke to their neighbours, tried to be helpful to delivery men and felt part of a community.

I can understand the OP's concerns because of her specific situation, but it would be a sad society if no one could engage in any way with their neighbours or offer helpful and fairly innocuous information to delivery men without being labelled nosy, 'a prick' etc.

BabyMurloc · 09/06/2015 13:47

I think in your shoes I would have to assume that he is simply trying to help/is nosy/perhaps lonely and try to understand that he didn't know the possible implications of his actions. I would have a polite and friendly word with him

Basically this from a PP. Either ignore it or just have a word. You don't have to tell your life story just say you have someone from your past who you don't want knowing you are here so please can he not confirm your name or other details to strangers to help you feel safer.

GingerLDN · 09/06/2015 13:55

I agree Susan if this is all the neighbour has done wrong people are being really harsh. It's all very normal. It's your situation which isn't (not your fault of course) so explain to him. Then if he still does it by all means he's a prick

elbowsdontsing2 · 09/06/2015 16:49

i done something similar once. a man knocked on my door asking me what time the woman next door would be in i said i dont know but her boyfriends in because thats his car maybe hes in the garden.
i seen her the next day and told her what id said she said she claims as a single parent and wished i hadnt mentioned her dp.
how was i to know i thought i was been helpful.

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