To want a relationship with estranged siblings

[Doyley180]

It's a long one but I've shortened it as best I can.

I've never had a relationship with my biological dad. Never wanted one. He has three daughters with his wife - two younger than me and one older (I'm a 'middle' child because he cheated on mum with his current wife).

I've always been fascinated by the thought of having siblings and have tried to get in touch. However, they want nothing to do with me unless I involve their (our) father, so I have declined. Still leaves me hankering though and I kind of wish we could all meet up and just have a chat - from what I've heard they're all dildos anyway but I feel I need to come to that conclusion myself. I can't bring myself to be in the same room as him though, so I know they'll never go for it without his presence. I also know I'll come across as a desperado if I keep trying to get in touch.

Has anyone been in a similat situation?

I have 2 half siblings. I too don't want to be in touch with my father, and my feelings on that are so strong that it trumps my need to see them.

When he kicks the bucket, maybe I will meet them. I'm happy to wait.

It's really shit that they won't consider meeting you without your father there. It'd put me off ever meeting them to be honest. But that's just me.

It sounds like your father is controlling.

I have very little idea of his personality Seven, other than the cheating and lying, so I don't know if he is controlling. I know they all worship him though. So they probably will never understand why I'm not clamouring to see him

In have a younger half brother , who doesn't know I exist and a younger half sister who does know and doesn't want to meet me.
My circumstances are different. My mother placed me for adoption and I was able to trace her as an adult.
So quite a different scenario but perhaps similar feelings about it.
I was quite hurt that my sister didn't want contact, I feel if I were in her shoes I wouldn't be able to resist.
So many years have passed now and my feelings have simmered down to mild irritation.
I make an effort not to think about it too much as I can get a bit down.
I imagine your siblings are acting out of loyalty to their mum.
I wonder if whoever is telling you they are ' dildos' is acting out of loyalty to you and your mum.

What are the ages of the girls in question?

Hmm it's a difficult one, as they have been explicit in their terms. It doesn't sound like they will change their minds? So if you're dead against meeting your dad I'm not sure what more you can do, it's kind of a stalemate, which sucks. Sorry you're going through this, it must hurt, and you can't just switch your feelings off.

Jackie, I also feel hurt about it. The rejection plays on my mind a lot, which is silly because I'm hankering after a relationship that doesn't exist. I feel I need closure on it but I can't do that without meeting him unfortunately.

Dino, they are all in their twenties and thirties.

What does your mum think?

And do you know what your father thinks of the situation?

Would you not budge on meeting him?

Seven, I think I'm naively hopeful they will contact me at some point! But they all have each other, so they won't have the same curiousity that I have about what it's like to have a sister.

Why will you not meet him?

It was a long time ago.

Shit happens.

You are a long time dead.

Mum would welcome me having a relationship with him, she's pushed me about it over the years. Although I don't think she would like the shit it would cause, neither would her partner.

He apparently would like contact but his wife would spit feathers about it. I know more about the man than he would like and about the things he has done, which is why I want nothing to do with him. If we ever met, it would probably end in me trying to stab him with a fork.

oh in that case maybe not.

Yeah, to be fair Exit, he's not evil, just a deeply flawed, selfish, weak human being. I just wouldn't benefit from him being in my life.

I feel the same about my dad, having him in my life would only cause grief. But I know my dad on a more personal level so slightly different situation. I just don't think having someone vile in my life is going to make me happy, as much as I wish he was different, or had changed. He will never change.

I think you're being sensible about it really. You've made your decision and you're sticking to it.

I have the feeling that you are a reminder to their family of what he really is, what he's capable of. They probably don't want to face up to it. Sadly.

I know you have this urge. But it really sounds as though they wouldn't be of any benefit in your life. Maybe it's for the best, sorry I know that sounds harsh.

I think it's worth remembering that you represent something different to them, as opposed to what they represent to you, so it's not two sides of the same decision iyswim? It's not unreasonable to want it but sadly that doesn't mean it will happen.

It's not harsh, I know in reality unless I made some tough decisions, it won't ever happen. I'm from a small family. I'm an only child and as you get older you think about these things. There's a whole other side of my family that I'm missing out on, but none of them want anything to do with me unless I pretend to like someone they all love. They could all be lovely, it's not their fault he's a dick.

Obviously, I could meet him just to get the ball rolling but it wouldn't help because I just end up verbally abusing him and still be in the same miserable situation where no one will touch me with a barge pole. Ho hum.

You're right Icecream, we'll all be viewing it very differently

Trust me op, having a sister is not all that. If I were you I'd bask in my only child life of peace and quiet!

Is it just because of the affair that you won't speak to him? I'm not trying to minimise the hurt but if your mum is encouraging contact could it be that she's more 'over' it than you?

Also, you said in your OP that they sound like dildos(?!).

I do wonder why you want them in your life if this is your opinion of them!

Partly Hold, although also further poor conduct down the line and lots of badly handled situations. I've been told by people who know them in the area that they are a bit stuck up and bitchy - I haven't said that, I feel I'd rather draw my own conclusions than listen to gossip. Even so, I know my desire to meet them isn't particularly rational!

My friend was adopted and did some research before finding siblings. It did work out, but apparently new family members can feel displaced by older siblings. They all have to shift their position, as it were- eg the elder one in the second family loses their place as the eldest. Maybe that's a factor?

Ps although not fair on you, I would add.

I think you're allowed to be irrational in the circumstances!