To talk to MN friends about my private life behind DP's back?

[readingsfromthebookofexile]

NC for this.

I've been going through a difficult time with DP - but not her fault. I've been relying on support of MN friends, and one in particular, a lot, both on here and in private emails. I've told people a lot of personal stuff.

I know if DP knew about this she'd feel really betrayed, that I'd shared our troubles with 'strangers' and told tales about her views and opinions etc.

I'm feeling very guilty for doing so, but at the same time I really felt I needed support, and didn't have anyone to talk to in RL.

Is sharing personal stuff out of order? Should I come clean and apologise? Do I need to stop? or is it ok?

As my DP is on here, and we often lie together in bed both reading all the threads on here, I can safely say it's not what I would do!!!

But everyone needs someone to talk to about stuff, and there are friends of mine that I've only ever known online that I have done this with so I think there's nothing inherently wrong with it at all. I bet your DP has someone to confide in as well when they need it, why shouldn't you? What difference does it make whether it's a chat over a coffee, a phonecall or via emails? In fact, sometimes it's easier to type and contemplate ones words that to say it outloud sometimes. As for the intimate details.....well my best friend would know EVERYTHING about an issue if I disclosed to them, because by doing that I am being honest about the situation with them so they can advise/listen better and I'm also being honest with myself because I'm fully disclosing all the facts as I see them. It's what people should do! And again, I'm betting that your DP would probably do the same if they felt the need to talk to a trusted confidant.

OP I don't think you should feel guilty over this. However if you do and feel the need to tell your DP that you have discussed your issues with a friends then honesty is always the best policy....After all one has to be able to sleep at night.

this explains it better than I can

I think your last post sort of illustrates the problem too. There are things that you would not feel happy discussing with people you know in RL, things which are to personal for you to say to people that your partner knows.

But you are prepared to discuss them with someone you don't really know on the web. Can you not see why that would be problematic for your DP?

Perhaps if you had kept yourself anonymous it would be more understandable. But you've not. I think if you keep it to an online persona then what you're doing is okay. But when you start linking it to RL, but you're prepared to share things that you wouldn't normally be prepared to share, you're crossing a big line with privacy, and also with your own and your partners security.

An emotional affair is:

• when you have a person in your life and your primary partner does not know about the existence of this person, or if they do know if their existence they are in the dark about the extent of contact

• when your messages/conversations have a personal/emotional component, especially if there are issues which you do not discuss with your primary partner

• when you know your primary partner would be hurt if they read the messages

I think you've definitely crossed all the boundaries into this type of affair.

So the question remaining is, what are you going to do about it!

Sorry: didn't mean an exclamation, just: what are you going to do about it?

Thanks DarthVadersTailor :)
Yes, DP has been able to talk about it to an RL friend.

AF, that makes me feel better actually. What the 'secret' person has been doing is helping me sort out my issue with DP, because she successfully survived the same issue with her OH that was threatening to tear us apart. Almost none of the descriptors in that article apply.

Yes they do

Through investing emotional energy and time with one another outside the marriage relationship, the former platonic friendship can begin to form a strong emotional bond which hurts the intimacy of the marriage relationship.

An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage, but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship.

Much of the pain and hurt from an emotional affair is due to the deception, lies, and feelings of being betrayed.

^A platonic friendship can evolve into an emotional affair when the investment of intimate information crosses the boundaries set by the married couple.

An emotional affair is opening a door that should remain closed.

One of the differences between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair is that an emotional affair is kept secret.^

Did you read a different article to me ?

This is getting hard to follow on my phone.

Aer - it's not that I wouldn't be happy to discuss with RL people, just that I don't want to do that until
DP is happy for that to happen too.

But yes, I think the fact that one person knows who I am is the issue.

AuntieS - there are no issues I have not discussed with DP - it's how to help DP and me get through them that that's the topic (mainly)

Tbh yes I think DP would be hurt if she read them today but I think when all is calmer she would see that in fact it was all about saving our relationship not undermining it. Repeat, I have not been slagging her off.

AF - investing more emotional energy? No

Kept secret? Yes, I'm admitting that one!

look, it doesn't matter what you admit or don't admit on this thread

you are seeking validation about behaviour that lots of people of said they would consider a betrayal/crossing a line

that makes it fairly likely your partner would too

carry on if you wish, but don't try to fool yourself what you are doing is harmless because it isn't

the mental gymnastics you are going through right now to make this ok are pretty transparent, tbh

have said

Thanks for your advice

OP, how much would it bother you to let this "friendship" die down ?

ask yourself that

I didn't mean to suggest that you'd been slagging her off.

Huge hurt is caused in reading how much your primary partner is confiding, unbeknownst, in another individual.

If you need help in working out how you both get through this, pay for a counsellor.

Or consider joint counselling.