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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't comment on someone's weight - whether fat or skinny - unless you have something nice to say?

51 replies

ZombiePiglet · 08/06/2015 10:02

Four times during the past two weeks I've had people I know commenting on my weight - twice yesterday. Not, 'don't you look healthy', or 'looking lovely today', but rather 'you're looking very skinny (with no smile)' and 'you're getting smaller and smaller, you'll disappear soon.'

Why do people think it's ok to say this?! There is an implication that I look too slim, rather than that being a compliment. I would never say to someone 'gosh, you've ballooned since I last saw you.' It's just so impolite.

And now it's playing on my mind that I look unhealthy and everyone thinks I look ill but isn't telling me! For the record, I haven't lost weight as far as I'm aware, I'm just shy of 5'2", and smack bang in the middle of my healthy BMI range.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 08/06/2015 14:34

It's not a competition as to which is worse though. It's insulting either way. Being asked if you are anorexic or being called a skinny bitch is just as damaging to someone who is slim who doesn't have good self esteem. It's only really been now I'm heading to mid 30'S that I can finally say that I couldn't give a flying fuck what someone else thinks of my weight. It's been years coming and counselling to deal with having a low opinion of yourself that has brought me to this point.

machair · 08/06/2015 14:41

YANBU- people can be so rude (unless it is someone close who has genuine reasons for concern). I was out for lunch with some people and one said "so, do you throw it all up after?" Unbelievable.

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2015 14:46

Well said ImprobableBee

Also it seems at times as though it's somehow much more acceptable to comment on someone's weight if they're slim/thin.

shebird · 08/06/2015 15:13

I hate these comments an agree with OP. It really annoys me at work if I have a biscuit or a cake, people make comments like 'oh it's alright for you skinny' or when I have something healthy like a salad for lunch people make comments like 'don't tell me you're on a diet'. Ok so I'm 'blessed' with good genes and shouldn't moan, but I don't comment when someone else has a cake. Something like 'another cake chubby' would get me sacked but it's ok for others to comment about what I eat.

shebird · 08/06/2015 15:21

I also have to explain to people that skinny doesn't automatically equal healthy. Skinny also need to eat healthy and excersise, it's not always about weight it's about general health.

FaintlyHopeful · 08/06/2015 15:33

I know, I hate this. I am naturally slim (lower end of healthy, but healthy nonetheless) and recently I had had one woman make her way across a crowded conferencing hall, holding my eye the whole time to impart this 'we were just all saying you look far too thin'. I hardly know her but she is a healthcare professional and the event was about adolescent mental health, which makes me think that attitudes about weight are totally fucked up even amongst those that should know better!
I usually just smile sweetly and say aw...thanks.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 08/06/2015 15:46

I never comment on anyone's weight as it's none of my business and it's bloody boring to talk about. I have a work colleague whose constantly on a diet and regularly updates everyone via fb with her loss. I don't comment or like it because I just don't care.

TedAndLola · 08/06/2015 15:55

Amen MrsItsNoworNotatAll. One of my friends has got into dieting and running at the same time and my god, she's suddenly become the most boring person in existence. It's like her whole personality has vanished along with the two stone.

shebird · 08/06/2015 17:01

People's obsession with weight in general is out of control, it's like some huge competition we are all in to try and be perfect. If someone is slim either naturally or through dieting then the claws often come out and bitchy comments are made. I think possibly people do not intend to be mean and maybe just frustrated at how unfair it is if someone is naturally slim and feel the need to comment. The truth is none of is totally happy, we are all different shapes and sizes and the media are just driving us insane with unattainable images of perfect bodies. No one knows what is going on in someone else's life and unless it is positive we should think hard before making comments on someone's appearance whether they are slim or fat. I wish the focus was more on nutrition and health rather than calories and diets.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 08/06/2015 17:21

I agree, shebird

I was once informed by someone I'd not seen for sometime that I'd put weight on. It was true, I had, but why mention it? And why keep mentioning it after I try changing the subject cos it's irrelevant and fucking rude! I laughed it off to cover my embarrassment but it really pissed me off. I would never say something like that myself.

Rainbunny · 08/06/2015 18:17

I have a friend who makes a comment about my weight everytime we meet. Due to distance we only see each other a few times a year and she never fails to pinch my waist, look concerned and tell me not to lose anymore weight. She's been doing this for a decade now and while I am a healthy bmi, I'm 15lbs heavier than I was a decade ago! It used to irritate the hell out of me but since I'm slowly creeping upwards on the scales I'd probably be sad if she stopped saying it!

PaleoRules · 08/06/2015 20:22

Improbable, but that's exactly what they were saying! "If I'd done a similar thing to an overweight woman I would have been murdered". Nope, you wouldn't have done - everyone would probably have had a good laugh.

I'm not "minimising" at all - I'm saying I've had it from both sides and know from my perspective which is harder to live with/as.

Burke1 · 08/06/2015 21:14

I don't comment unless asked but if asked I always give a completely honest response even if it will cause offence. I think if you ask me a question you are seeking an honest response not wanting me to say what you want to hear.

SoleSource · 08/06/2015 21:17

I HATE people calling me fat. I HATE people saying," Oh, you have lost lads of weight". Mind your own business!!!!!!

amicissimma · 08/06/2015 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigChocFrenzy · 08/06/2015 22:00

I just say "So lovely to see you, how are you ?"

If someone mentions a diet, I say they are looking well and I try to be supportive, without implying they didn't look good before.

Otherwise, I don't comment about someone's appearance, other than to compliment clothes. It's just so intrusive.

Horrid potential hurt if weight change is due to illness or bereavement etc.

HelenaDove · 08/06/2015 23:55

YY Paleo Ive come down from a size 28 to a size 14. I TOTALLY agree with you.

whitecandles · 09/06/2015 00:07

I just tend not to comment at all. I am naturally thin and find it really intrusive when people comment on my weight. Actually I find it quite annoying when people comment on my appearance at all. I live in a country where appearance is commented on cosntantly, and I find it really irritating when I, for example, wear more make up than usual, and people say how great I look. Makes me feel like I not reaching the required standard the rest of the time. So I just don't comment. There are more interesting things to talk about.

HellKitty · 09/06/2015 07:48

Paleo, please don't think I was saying I think overweight women have it easier, I don't think they do. In my experience (after certain meds I was a size 18 for a year) it's comments behind your back. When I was very thin it was people to my face, all in a 'jokey' aggressive/jealous way. Neither is acceptable obviously.

fakenamefornow · 09/06/2015 08:01

I remember seeing a TV programme about diet/health and one country they looked at was South Korea. Apparently very few people are over weight and they don't have the obesity problem we have, some of the reason for this was thought to be that if people see others putting on weight they will comment rather than worry about hurt feelings. Personally I'm with you, but maybe being too polite to comment is doing more harm than good.

TedAndLola · 09/06/2015 08:16

Personally I'm with you, but maybe being too polite to comment is doing more harm than good.

Of course it's not. Shaming fat people never does any good and, in this country, comments about putting on weight do make people feel ashamed.

fakenamefornow · 09/06/2015 08:36

IF hurting somebody's feelings prevented them becoming morbidly obese, if it was my child, I would rather they had hurt feelings a couple of times. I know that's a big IF and I'm not advocating this and don't think I could ever comment on anybodys weight myself, it just made me stop and think. In the UK people even get offended when HCP mention weight, you must have seen all the threads about weighing 4yos in school.

HelenaDove · 09/06/2015 14:25

fakename believe me ppl are all too ready to comment especially when i was ten stone heavier.

ShelaghTurner · 09/06/2015 14:45

Tell that to the people who have been 'hurting my feelings' since I was 13. Has it worked? No of course not. I'm still obese and hate myself more with each passing day. Having people point out my obesity to me makes me feel even worse.

catswag · 09/06/2015 14:48

yanbu v rude

why are people eyeing up our bodies anyway ?

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