How do I handle this - I think this child is a danger to mine - really difficult

[LittleLaddy]

My parents have fostered my whole life, I absolutely support them in this. They currently have two foster children who have been with them for 4 years. They have come from extreme, traumatic abusive circumstances and are very damaged emotionally, intellectually - though over the past four years have made tremendous progress. The boy though now entering teenage hood is probably around 5yrs old emotionally. As he has gotten older he has developed an increasingly controlling streak which I would now say is turning malicious. I have witnessed a number of incidences now where I feel his behaviour crosses the line from play to obsessive control/ bullying. My children are 2 and 4. Such incidences have included holding my children's arms behind their backs and marching them places, pretending to slice throats open whilst the children are forced to kneel in-front of him, pushing them if they are not doing what he wants etc. I suppose can't explain it further other than having a decade of experience working with vulnerable children and recognising how aggressive behaviours manifest themselves, body language, looks, eye contact, watching for whether adults are watching before making a move etc.

Now I have no problem ensuring my children are not left alone with him until we as a family (mainly my parents but accept our role as wider family) help him work through this and we all support him in this stage of development. alongside these characteristics he is a lovely, sweet child trying to make sense of a world which until 4 years ago treated him very badly - so of course he will have issues. My problem is my mother, who is an extremely experienced foster carer but seems to feel that this boy is entirely under her protection, never does anything on purpose and is entirely innocent. I do think he is a victim but if she cannot recognise the potential risks here I feel my children are in potential danger in wider family situations. we spend a lot of time together as a family and my parents help us with childcare. Though of course when I am there its fine, but it does seem that this is a potential area of conflict between my mother and I, one we have already come to blows over. However when we have spoken about it has been in moments of anger when I have witnessed something and had to pull my children out of the situation. I don't want her to demonise this child, (my children adore him btw) but I do need my mother to recognise the potential risks he could present whilst working through the issues of a very traumatic early childhood.

Any help? AIBU in trying to get her to see this risk?

Her response last time was then don't bring my children round, which I know without doubt she doesn't mean but sets up a non-constructive environment to then talk.

She may not mean it but you need to agree, and mean it. This isn't just about your children (although, rightly, they are your main concern) but about the little boy and other kids he is in contact with. He obviously needs more help than he's getting if he's showing this kind of behaviour, and your mother needs a sharp wake up call to realise it.

Although it's difficult your duty is to protect your children. And that is not letting them be subject to abuse whatever the reason. I don't think I'd let my children round this boy for the time being whether or not I was there. Because you can't be in total control all the time.

You seem to be focussing on his behaviour towards your children, but I think that the first thing you need to focus on is how you and your mum should manage him following an incident.

You've admitted that you have not handled the situation in the best way when an incident happens:

This is the problem really, the incidences I've listed have resulted in me getting very protective of my children, and admittedly angry in the moment, being very firm with my foster brother and then my mother often wading in after the event and defending him and me snapping at her.

So how about you and your mum discuss how incidents should be handled, so that she doesn't get angry with you for handling it in a way that she doesn't agree with?

If I had a strategy for managing my own child's poor behaviour, and someone else got angry and handled the situation in a way I didn't approve of, I might myself be angry that my own hard work was being undone. So whilst I can appreciate your frustration with your Mum's attitude, I can also appreciate your Mum's frustration with yours.

Please talk to her, not about her attitude, but about yours. How does she want you to react in these situations? Does she want you to remove your kids from the situation and immediately report the incident to her, for her to discipline him? Is she happy for you to deal with his behaviour, if you can do so in a less angry and more positive way? Have you discussed with her how you can best support her parenting strategy?

I think you need to find alternative childcare arrangements. Fine to bring along your DC to family events when you are there to watch over them, or generally visiting your parents and foster children but I can't see how it's workable as a childcare situation at all.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be allowing my children to be there without me. You have an obligation to keep your children safe. If your parents can't guarantee that and from what I have written it seems they can't, I wouldn't be allowing my children to be there without me.

Now I have no problem ensuring my children are not left alone with him and my parents help us with childcare.

I'm a little confused - are you hoping your mum will be able to look after your children whilst closely supervising of your foster brother at all times? Or are you accepting that childcare is too much of a risk at the moment, but during family situations you want her to be firmer in reprimanding his behaviour?

The childcare isn't an issue - my father has my children whilst I work at their house one day a week when the foster children are at school. We have accepted having all the children together is too much. I only brought this in to illustrate the closeness of our family etc.
I suppose when I wrote this I was reflecting on how I handled he last incident, when I got cross and why my mother and I seemed to be at odds on this and whether it was me over thinking the potential risk or her feeling very protective of foster brother. Either way of course and without doubt my children are always my first and top priority, but I do care about my foster brother and the family as a whole.
I will find some time to properly speak to my mum and discuss ways we can both deal with this positively to firstly keep my children safe and to help foster brother. I have no doubt my mother loves and wants to protect my children - but I do think we consider the risk factor with foster brother differently.

Your last post again mentions your mother's understanding of the risks. But as you will always be present when the children are together, surely her understanding of the risks is not itself essential?

The conflict is over how to handle your foster brother and in particular how to react if an incident does occur. So, as I said in an earlier post, rather than try to talk to her about the risk he poses (which is negative and puts her in a defensive position), discuss with her how she would like situations to be managed. She should be pleased that you are trying to understand her parenting wishes and following them. And hopefully you will feel more confident if you feel that situations will be dealt with (but this must be in a way that your mother sees fit as she is his parent).

I get the sense that you feel that the reaction should be proportionate to the level of risk your brother put your children in. But surely you must be able to see that getting angry with him is unlikely to improve his behaviour? If fact, it would more likely have the opposite effect. Protect your children, but let your mother parent your brother.

I think I she is very protective of your FB and she may be unwilling to see the problem. And there definitely is a big problem. I wouldn't want my children around during him at all I'm afraid. Your only concern is your children, not your FB. If your mum cannot see that then you will have to scale back family outings. Your children should not be put at unnecessary risk, which they are even when you are there if he almost pushed your 2 year old down some steep steps. Unless you physically have hold of your children at all times (which wouldn't happen), you cannot be sure of what he will do next.

Also, you've mentioned quite a few times about wanting your mother to 'see the risk' - but you haven't really said what it is that you want her to actually do?

I would be worried how this sort of behaviour might affect your children. If it was me, i would keep young children away.

Hi LittleLaddy, have you got anywhere further with trying to identify how matters can be better handled in future, in discussion with your mother?

It's a no-brainer. Keep your tiny children away from this problem.