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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy my friend a birthday present?

51 replies

QuestioningStuff · 07/06/2015 17:51

I have a good friend who I've known for a long time.

It was my birthday a few months ago, she came to see me, but didn't bring anything. Not even a card. Now I really don't want to sound materialistic, because I appreciate her company more than anything and I don't need cards or presents. But it's weird right? To turn up on someone's birthday with nothing and not even make any kind of excuse?

She has always done this. Every birthday. And I always buy her something/make a big fuss. I feel super awkward bringing it up, I can't just say 'erm why haven't you got me a present'.

It's her birthday in a few months and today she's told me what she wants me to get her.

AIBU to just not get her anything? And how do I even bring it up? I don't want to appear grabby I just don't understand it and i am starting to feel a bit resentful.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestioningStuff · 07/06/2015 18:47

We don't do Xmas presents, we just buy for the kids.

Although thinking about it, she didn't get DS anything for his birthday either and I always make an effort for her DC.

I've never felt comfortable bringing it up before because it may me that she's not in a position to afford it and I'd never want to embarrass someone but I'm worse off than her and always make an effort or atleast offer an excuse.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/06/2015 18:51

I would stop it, no need for a confrontation, just don't but her anything. Treat her, how she treats you, tgat coment woukd really be a dealbreaker, how rude and cheeky.

BreadmakerFan · 07/06/2015 18:55

Don't lie. Just do and say nothing and when she has the cheek to ask where her present is , reply, same place mine have been. STILL IN THE SHOP!!!

badg3r · 07/06/2015 18:56

YABNU. If you still want to make an effort I would get her something small but thoughtful, but definitely not more than five or ten pounds. But honestly, if she's a good friend with decent manners she should not be behaving like this.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/06/2015 19:01

A good friend does not behave like this, she sounds like a user.

timelyreminder · 07/06/2015 19:07

So what are her good points? In what way is she a "good friend"?

Original poster
QuestioningStuff · 07/06/2015 19:13

This is really the only issue I have with her. She's very supportive in all other ways and I love her very much. Which is why it's so confusing.

I think I'm going to bring it up in the run up to her birthday. Just ask what the deal is and that if we don't 'do' presents then I will obviously stop buying them!

OP posts:
rockybalboa · 07/06/2015 19:19

I just wouldn't get it. And then if she has the sheer brass neck to ask you on her birthday why you didn't get her what she asked for then just say well you didn't get anything for me me for my birthday (don't mention previous years, just the last one) so I assumed we weren't doing presents any more.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/06/2015 19:23

"It was my birthday a few months ago, she came to see me, but didn't bring anything. Not even a card. ... It's her birthday in a few months and today she's told me what she wants me to get her."

Shock

Just to be clear, YANBU.

Don't you DARE buy her anything!

ttc2015 · 07/06/2015 19:56

Don't ask her what the deal is, or she could say 'oh gosh i promise ill remember this year' and then still not bother. Just tell her that since she hasn't done presents for you ever and your DS this year, it's better to leave it as no presents.

HoldYerWhist · 07/06/2015 19:59

Buy nothing. Say nothing.

If she asks what you got her say "the same thing you got me, in a different colour" with a laugh.

CombineBananaFister · 07/06/2015 20:03

agree with others, doesn't have to be a big deal just don't get anything. Just because you feel weird about it doesn't mean it is weird and if she is cheeky enough to bring up the lack of present just say you thought 'we weren't doing prezzys anymore.' if she pushes the point more than that then she is not a good friend.

Shockers · 07/06/2015 20:12

I'd tell her how relieved you were when she called a halt on the present buying tradition... with you being strapped for cash n'all Wink.

Flashbangandgone · 07/06/2015 20:22

So she didn't get you a present for your birthday, but tells you what she wants you to get for her?! How old is your friend, 4, 5 perhaps 6, or maybe even a socially backward 7 year old? Either there's some context to this that we're not privy to, or she's got some serious issues... Totally agree with poster who said "don't you dare buy her a present!".

Redglitter · 07/06/2015 23:13

No definitely don't ask her what the deal is or you'll get conned again. She's set the bar by buying you nothing. If she comments on it just say to her that since you got nothing from her you assumed presents had stopped.

UsedtobeFeckless · 08/06/2015 09:24

I'd not mention it but not buy her anything either and if she brings it up look a bit blank and say sorry but you thought you'd stopped doing prezzies ... Or just get her a card and leave it at that.

YANBU though, that would piss me off, too - but I tend to do the you-buy-for-me-I-buy-for-you approach and keep it small - flowers / Lush smellies / pay for lunch etc ...

UsedtobeFeckless · 08/06/2015 09:26

Not all at once - obviously! That would be a bit weird Grin

UsedtobeFeckless · 08/06/2015 09:28

Unless you'd just saved my whole family from a horrible death or won the lottery and given me a million quid or something ...

UsedtobeFeckless · 08/06/2015 09:29

I do have a mate who says she'll do that but the most she's ever won is a tenner so I'm not holding my breath ... Wink

Shinyandnew1 · 08/06/2015 09:33

What did you say when she told you what she wanted

Yes- what did you say?

coconutpie · 08/06/2015 09:33

Wow, she has some brass neck on her! Cheeky cow. Demanding a birthday gift off you when she ignored yours? You need to say it to her next time she mentions it.

"For the last X years I have happily celebrated your birthday and your DC's birthday by buying birthday gifts. However, it has suddenly dawned on me that you don't do the same for my DC and I, and that is not fair. In fact, I'm very hurt that you think it's ok to demand I buy you an expensive waist trainer when you didn't even buy me a card for my last birthday. I think from now on we skip birthday presents altogether for both ourselves and DC because clearly it's one-sided."

Only1scoop · 08/06/2015 09:33

What an odd friendship if she has never bought you gifts but 'tell you what she wants you to buy'.Confused

coconutpie · 08/06/2015 09:35

And if she protests, just say no your mind is made up and it's better this way. Otherwise she'll con you into buying her a birthday gift again and then she'll conveniently forget about yours again.

morelikeguidelines · 08/06/2015 10:22

I would just say, "oh I didn't think we were doing presents for each other because you didn't get me one. That's fine with me."

gordonpym · 20/07/2015 02:59

So, OP, did you speak to her?
Please update!

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