AIBU to feel I'm missing out? (Baby sleep)

[MeltchettsLovelyMoustache]

I have bipolar disorder which is well managed. The two main things that keep it so well managed are my medication and getting enough sleep.

I have a 3 month old son (who is the loveliest baby ever and a complete joy). Since he was born, DH has done all the night wakings and coslept with him in a Sleepyhead. We've tried him in his bedside cot but he utterly hates it and won't sleep more than 20 minutes in it, even in his sleepyhead. This means I have only slept in the same bed as my DS a few times since he was born (my DH next to baby).

It isn't safe for me to co sleep alone as my medication makes me very drowsy, and also so drowsy that when his crying wakes me up, I can't go to him as it's like being drunk. I tried once and dropped milk everywhere :(

So, I've been sleeping in the spare room alone for 3 months. My DH quit work to be a SAHD and doesn't mind, and can have a catch up nap in the day if he needs to. I'm going back to work full time in October and feel very sad about it.

AIBU to feel like not sleeping with my baby and doing night feeds means I'm missing out on a part of motherhood and that I should be doing it? I've felt like quitting my medication so I can do it but I'm now completely dependent on it for sleep, on the few nights I haven't taken it, I haven't slept or rested at all.

Or should I stop worrying and count my blessings that DH does this instead?

Gosh, your husband sounds amazing. And great he's in a sleepy head if daddy is cosleeping. I had a very cot allergic son.

I think as a mum what you are feeling is very natural. I certainly felt that if I bf and coslept I felt so much happier. At the same time it's bloody hard sometimes, and some children are utter cling ons. I think there's quite an oxytocin kick to be had from cuddling a sleeping baby.

Going back to work is really tough for any mum; I felt extreme guilt to put Lo into nursery at 10 mo for two days a week. I think some of this is what you are feeling too? I think my husband has felt like he's missed out at times too.

I have a mummy friend who is bipolar though as well as another, and certainly what is important is getting medication right be be able to be there for lo when you can.

Also, your husband will really be glad of handing over when you get home! (I was!)

I wonder if you could look into slinging, baby wearing as a sort of distraction therapy, plus baby can sleep in slings for naps, it gives that closeness (and is plain fun to get into all the types and colours!)

Also, how do you feel about sharing baths? Not only was I grateful for DH to do bath time, I have often loved bathing with him. Taking him swimming in a nice warm pool also has that closeness effect.

The only thing I would say is to make sure you and DH get cuddle time too.

There's no 'shoulds' in parenting - my latest phrase!

I absolutely loathe co-sleeping! My hippie-mum friends are a bit if I ever say it to then but I just can't get to grips with it. I'm a light sleeper, DD is a serious, squirmer, kicker and no, conversationalist, so when we've tried it, it's just never worked. OP, it sounds like you're looking for something to stress about?! As everyone else has said, we are all just doing the best we can with the hand we've been dealt!

I don't think the op is 'looking for something to stress about;' it's not very often daddy is a sahd so probably not easy to find others in the same position to chat to, and motherly instinct is always naturally set to maximum guilt, what ever we do.

I think this time is a big transition time, and if it weren't for your condition things might be different. My friend with the same condition has guilt for not working. But her treatment has left her unable to continue in her field sadly.

Parent hood is tough and it sounds like you're doing great .

OP, you aren't missing out on anything. My DD wakes 3 times most nights and I pray for the night she sleeps through. If I ever bring her to sleep with me then I never actually get any sleep as I'm too worried about her rolling out of bed or my DH rolling on her!! Your arrangement sounds the best thing for you.

You definitely aren't missing out. I am co-sleeping with dd and I hate it. Can't toss and turn, can't have duvet over me, still have to wake up every couple of hours for feeds...
The only nice thing about it is the sleepy eyes when she is just waking up in the morning and I am already awake, the way she kind of blinks and then she sees me and is smiling at me.
I told DH about it and a couple of times he set an alarm for 4am so he could come down to the bedroom and sit by the bed and be there for first wake up and a lovely family cuddle . What time does your DC wake - could you do this at the weekend maybe just a couple of times?
We did it a total of about 5 times before the novelty wore off for DH! (sleeping in separate room whilst I co-sleep). It's a lovely memory to have though and now he doesn't feel like he's missed out on seeing it.

I feel your pain because I have exactly the same problem although my medication is for a different condition. My DD is three now and we have another arriving later this month. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about who goes to your baby during the night because it's all very fraught and bad-tempered anyway. From what I can gather, my DH has been so sleep-deprived at times that he might as well be drunk (and I don't think this is unusual).

Babies seem to notice who comes to get them up in the morning. Depending on what time you and the baby rouse, I would consider making a point of being the first person of the day and also the person to present baby with breakfast. I didn't do this and did miss out enormously.

You are doing what you need to do to be healthy for your child. I co-sleep with my 10 week old and did with my other 2 children. My husband is currently in the spare room so he gets a full nights sleep. Guess who dc3 giggles for? Daddy. Clearly mummy is for nourishment and nighttime soothing, but daddy is the entertainer! Like others have said it's a small part of their life and not important in the long run. My 2 and 4 year olds love their daddy too. Infact as someone who hasn't had a full nights sleep in 4 years im thinking you arent missing a thing!!

Thank you everyone, good to see co sleeping isn't the bliss I imagine! Although our baby is quite a good wee sleeper and the sleepyhead is ace, it's helped my DH sleep better with him as the separate space means he can't roll over on him. And me too because I used to drowsily get up and check on them.

The waking in the morning is a good idea. I mentioned this to my DH and he said when the baby wakes up it's with a big smile so it is lovely and I am missing it. My medication makes me sleep like the dead so I don't wake up til I'm woken by DH. Alarms do work mostly though since I get up for work, so I'll set one for this week.

Yeah, I do feel guilty about work. I'm enjoying being off so much, but one of us needs to work. DH hated his (night shift which is why he quit as soon as baby was born) job but I love mine and earn better money. Just feel like I'm going to miss so much. I didn't really expect to enjoy motherhood as much as I do I guess!

And yeah DH is amazing :) He's a wonderful father and adores our son.

Some parents who decide cosleeping is the way forward get a super king - excuse to get a lovely big bed?!

I do understand about the missing out - but it's incredibly frustrating at times as they get older, esp 18-24 months imo. I think there's + and - on both parents' sides. You get to be the fresh face who comes home at the end of the day. I guess its going to be about making sure you get quality time with lo when you can.

The only thing I'll add though is - I found I got a bit of cabin fever and when DH was getting his quality time with lo I felt I had to do the housework etc. Spending time as a family as much as poss is important.

I was on some pretty heavy medication with my first child, and couldn't co-sleep, my partner did a lot of stuff at night, or I slept in the nursery with the baby. It was all pretty new to me at that point, so I felt pretty disempowered as a mum, being limited by this medication.

With my second, being alone, I had to work around medication and co-sleeping, fortunately I was off mental health medication, so it wasn't every night, but I did have to take some heavy duty pain relief. I used a moses basket on the nights I couldn't safely have her in bed, on the bed next to me so I could be right up close. This had the added benefit of waking me through the soporific effects of the medication, whilst also allowing me to be as close as I could to co-sleeping on those nights.

I forgot to add in terms of slings, I used a moby when he was littler but have never successfully managed the older legs out hold with him on my own (i'm very short, under 5ft). I've used a Boba 3G a few times but again he's just that little bit too small to be comfortable past the newborn hold, even using a rolled up towel for him to sit on. He's not enjoying the heat either. We're having baths though and he's going swimming next week now his little wrap has arrived :)

He totally hates his cot :( it's a snuzpod and we've tried it every way but he just hates it. He only seems to be happy in the sleepyhead in bed and even with a king size (and my rather large arse) there's no space for 3.

Omg - is he my ds?! Sounds so similar. Some do just want that closeness from their parents. But, it's a sign of awareness and attachment. If it ain't broke don't fix it!

I loooove my boba3g but it took a little while for him to grow into it.

You could find a local sling library and play with some diffident ones/ be shown how to wrap in different ways.

It sounds like you're doing a fab job :)

YANBU to feel like this op I remember when dd was a few weeks old and I was recovering from surgery feeling so hopeless that i couldn't look after dd at night.

I personally am not a fan of co-sleeping but it sounds like you are doing what is right for you all right now. I would however keep trying the cot at regular intervals as babies are very fickle ime and what they don't like one week they might the following!!

You may want to try putting him in it during the day just to get used the feeling of being in it, not to sleep just for a few mins so it is familiar iyswim.

YANBU and it's ok to feel sad that you can't do things you'd like to or that other Mums are doing. I was ill while I was pregnant and in hospital a lot before ds was born 10 weeks prem so I missed out on the wandering around mothercare with a bump and getting to leave hospital with my baby and 2 years later that still makes me a little sad. But it in no way compares to all the joy I have despite that start to his life. You know in your heart you need to stay on your meds- would u think it was a good idea for a diabetic person to give up insulin if it meant they could co sleep? It's the same for you too. Your boy needs you happy, healthy and strong and so does your dh.

Thank you for the morning advice! I set my alarm and was first up with him this morning and it was lovely. He had a big smile and waved about excitedly! I won't be able to do it every day but its nice not to miss this. I'm sorry others are in similar situations.

I'm so glad you got to enjoy it :)