To be pissed off about this?

[Ohbollocksandballs]

Back story, been separated from DS Dad since September. He now lives a 40 minute drive away with his new partner (she seems lovely, the poor girl). He was EA when we were together and it took many talkings to from MNers for me to realise this.

Anyway he has DS from Friday 5pm until Saturday 5pm (usually he will ask me to collect DS early as he can't get him to nap ), I take DS over there and pick him up, send him with the things he needs (nappies, clothes, wipes, pram, baby moniter etc. apparantly he shouldn't provide these as that's what he pays maintenance for - £100 a bloody month) without so much a thanks or a fuck you. He has never once been and collected DS, or asked to see him on any other day apart from that once per week. He will never text/phone during the week to see how he is/what he's been doing, or if he can come over and see him (he knows I would never say no unless DS busy).

AIBU to feel absolutely infuriated when he plays the doting Dad, and tries to dictate to me how I raise DS and give 'helpful' parenting advice, such as 'don't take him to the doctors he will pick up germs' (when I mentioned DS's eczema was getting worse, and taking him back to the doctors to see if he could maybe try a different treatment), and 'youve forgotten to send over his bath emollient silly'. Oh sorry I must have forgotten to pack that whilst I was busy packing the other things DS needs because your sorry arse can't be bothered to provide them

I would never say this to him, because I cannot be bothered with the inevitable argument but by the life he fucks me off.

What I worry about is what if he picks him up and doesn't return him?

My DS is my entire world, and he knows this. He accuses me of using him as a weapon when he argue, but really it's him that does that.

He picks up, you collect at the end of the stay.

How was maintenance of £100 arrived at ?

CMS calculated when he was at his old job. He's had 4 different jobs since then (November) and now works cash in hand. The twat.

Communicate via email only then you can't be accused of arguing. You need to detach from your ex completely.

He is using the fact that DS is your world to continue to abuse you.

If he doesn't return ds then you apply to court for a residency order. Just do everything by the book.

You need to stay completely calm when dealing with him and detached. If he has no real interest in seeing DS and he is no longer able to control you then he will lose interest and bugger off.

Calm and detached. Got it. God I hate him. I honestly believe that when he splits up with the girl he's moved in with (after 3 months of knowing her) then he will not bother with DS. He just does it to look good.

Exactly so why bother to facilitate him???

My ex and I co-parented well and I did facilitate contact etc. but you know what it was mutual!!!! He wasn't perfect, we sometime disagreed but he put DD first 99% of the time.

Certainly wasn't trying to control me or "look good".

Sympathise with your situation OP.

Everyone saying don't send nappies etc make it sound so easy. But if you don't send this stuff it sounds like your DS might possibly spend the time he's with his father in the nappy he arrived in.

He sound very like my exh who is also very controlling. When he left he made no effort to see the children at all - all a lot older than your DS OP - but I felt they had the right to have some sort of relationship with him, so once a fortnight I would drive them to his flat where he would give them dinner and then I would pick them up afterwards, some 2, 2 and half hours or so later.

This continued on and off for a couple of years but in retrospect I think I was probably misguided as none of them enjoyed these fortnightly meetings.

When one of the DCs was admitted to hospital, long term, he didn't come near for the first 6 months or so.

They now all have some sort of relationship with him, none of them close, but I'm not sure it was worth all the upset it caused them over the years.

I'm not sure how much it's your responsibility to keep their relationship going and how much it's going to add to your DS's life if his father just won't make any effort to see him.

Id love nothing more than t be able to co parent effectively, and include his new partner in this eventually too. But it seems as though he'll never grow up and do the same, and stop using DS as a means to upset me.

Well if you dislike him having the child, don't trust him to look after him, why would you care if he won't have him if you don't drive him there and back? Surely thats a simple solution, you stop facilitating quite so much, that lazy twat will likely stop bothering with his kid altogether.
He's not going to keep him, he wouldn't last 5 minutes.

Text him and say you are not prepared to keep doing the drop offs and he can make his own arrangements to see his son. No further explanation needed. He will act like wounded superdad but ignore him completely. Don't engage in a conversation about it. If he rings listen for a couple of minutes and just keep repeating 'let me know your arrangements for seeing your son' and then hang up. Much as I wouldn't want to I would still pack the nappies because your baby needs them. He probably wouldn't change him if you didn't send them.

I know you are trying your absolute best for your son but you are facilitating his feckless behaviour. Stop doing it now. I am not criticising you. I did what you are doing for about 15 years and it got me absolutely nowhere. All it did was kept that bastard in our lives and gave him control over me. DO NOT DO WHAT I DID.

My EXH was a good father when the kids were little but over the years kept threatening to leave the country. I was terrified the kids would miss him so I kept trying to make contact arrangements work. I regret this so much. When my children became teenagers and not so compliant he assaulted both of them. I am not talking about a slap, think punch instead.

The kids cannot stand him now they are older and basically ignore him as much as possible. They want nothing to do with him. They can see him for the bullying, emotionally abusive prick that he always was. I truly believe that no father is better for children than having a selfish useless father who is present. My EXH will probably never see his children when they leave home and get on with their own lives. He will be on his own telling everyone who will listen that I prevented him having a relationship with them. Fuck him is what I say. You EP sounds almost identical to my EXH. I regret the day I met him.

If you haven't already done get a residency order on your son and if he ever takes his son, which I doubt, and is late with the drop off ring the police.

You can cut ties with him now because he won't make any arrangements so that he can see his child. His poor partner may drive him. I feel nothing but pity for her. Apologies for the length of this message but I feel an affinity with you because I was you 18 years ago. Don't be me!!!!! Good luck. You need to get strong quickly and stay strong.

I totally agree providing nappies is far less of an issue than doing the driving for some sort of visit I doubt your ds is even benefitting from!

Nappies is definitely just a drop in the ocean compared to everything else. It's only since he started having overnight visits that he's not expected me to provide food.

DS is home now where he belongs