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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friendship fading

49 replies

xoxtpxox · 05/06/2015 23:10

Hello everyone,
I was hoping you could give me some advice, especially new mums. I'm not a mum myself but six months ago my best friend had a beautiful baby girl. Me and my best friend were always really really close, so much so that we have each other's initials tattooed. She made me godmum. I organised her baby shower. I wept with joy the first time I saw her daughter, my godchild.
But now I feel like she no longer wants me in her life or is interested in my life at all. She never texts or calls me first. She barely replies to me and leaves it often a month at a time before she'll allow me to schedule seeing her. She never asks me about my life or what I'm doing, even when I am allowed to visit her. I started a new job this week and she didn't wish me good luck or ask me how it has gone, despite me texting her. I was supposed to see her today but when I text her to check she wasn't too busy she replied saying she had made other plans. I responded saying I would be free next Wednesday and to enjoy herself and she since hasn't replied even though she has been present on Facebook and Instagram. This is often the case. She will be online responding and interacting with other people. She is still on maternity leave and I see her daily on social media but she never responds to me. I try to tell myself she must be busy but how can she update her Facebook saying she wants cheese and not respond to me at the same time or instead? She frequently sees other friends, arranging play dates for the baby. I feel a bit like she isn't interested in me now because I don't have a child. I would be more than happy to come along too. It is really hurting me because not only am I losing my best friend who I adore but I'm missing out on seeing my godchild who means so much to me I want to burst. I don't want to think about missing out on her life. I had so many plans on how to teach her. How to make her a happy child.
Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way? Should I be more understanding and give her space? I feel as if I can't talk to her about this. I don't want to upset her over nothing. But I'm at breaking point. It makes me cry every time I think about this. She is now pregnant again and I really don't want to miss out on another wonderful baby and my best friend's happiness. What should I do?
Thank you for any help you can give
Tash

OP posts:

QuintShhhhhh · 06/06/2015 13:44

Is the dad on the scene?

zeezeek · 06/06/2015 14:31

I think you just need to accept that she has become one of those women who, when they have kids, only wants to socialise with other women with kids. They are annoying, boring and best left alone. And also part of the reason why I've dumped a load of female friends over the years. LIfe's too short to spend on people who can't be bothered contacting you.

butterfly133 · 06/06/2015 16:09

OP "Now because I haven't been around the baby cries when she sees me as she doesn't recognise me. That's what I mean about making her happy. Perhaps I'm just expressing it incorrectly? How can I get across that I care in the correct manner?"

first point - the baby wouldn't be the first baby to just be crying even when a familiar face appears. One of my friends had a baby who cried around everyone except her mum, her grandma, and me. I'll leave you to imagine how her father, grandfather and aunty felt...! So don't take that personally. You have plenty of time to get to know your god child.

second point - when you talk about making her happy and teaching her things, it sounds quite full on, even though I appreciate - I'm a godparent too - it is very important to you. Sometimes we do have to be careful how we express things. You almost sound like you want max input. I wouldn't expect maximum input with my godchild. If I'm asked an opinion, sure, and yes I would like to teach her particular things but that's for later on in her life and I will have to accept that her parents might not like that.

I think you need to back off. She sounds like she's got time to post about cheese cravings and to go out with other people, and also actually ignores you on social media. In fact, I'd go further and drop her a line saying "sorry I've been full on, I'll back off and wait for you to get in touch". Then do that. She's probably flapping about how much involvement you want.

littlejohnnydory · 06/06/2015 23:19

When I read this, I was thinking how the friends who have lasted and weathered the changes of marriage and children are those who have forgiven me for not being in touch or available for quite long stretches of time and vice versa - those who have understood and picked up where we left off later.

Quite a few things could be going on - she could have PND or be struggling in some other way. She could just be caught up in the whirlwind of having a baby (whatever anybody says, my fourth child is six months and I still feel like I've just had a baby).

It could be that she is finding your involvement full on. It can be like that having a baby when grandparents etc all want a piece of them. But it must be hard for you when you've been so close, for things to change so dramatically.

You could talk to her about it without blame - is everything ok type of thing - but if she says yes and nothing changes you'll have to be prepared to let it go. Busy yourself with other things and I'm sure she will come back to you.

Pumpkinpositive · 06/06/2015 23:26

I'm missing out on seeing my godchild who means so much to me I want to burst. I don't want to think about missing out on her life. I had so many plans on how to teach her. How to make her a happy child

This does sound intense. Is it possible she feels you're trying to commandeer her child?

Dieu · 06/06/2015 23:30

YANBU and I think your heart is in the right place. Of course you're hurt and confused because your friend hasn't actually communicated to you what she wants (or doesn't want) from you. So you're just left wondering. She sounds rude. Yeah, having a baby is life changing and blah, but there's still a minute or two to send a quick text to invite you over for a cuppa. Rocket science it 'aint.

chrome100 · 07/06/2015 07:41

YANBU. She has treated you appallingly. Yes, she's a new mum and probably knackered, but as you say she seems capable of interacting with others and honestly, how hard is it to write a message to say you're too tired at the moment? I don't know why she's changed but I'd be really hurt too.

Mustard969 · 07/06/2015 07:58

Some parents do take a 6 month old swimming but I've never known a friend do that. It would be more helpful for them to do other things.

Being a new mum takes exhaustion to an unbelievable level (unknown to non parents!). It's hard to remember much - like who to thank for gifts and what dates have been arranged to meet friends. Brain fuzz seems the right term - relating a lot to sleep deprivation. But even if sleep is ok, having a baby is a steep learning curve and they manage to take over your thoughts completely.

I would in your shoes offer to cook her a meal and bring it to her house with some wine one evening. The baby might still be up?

Mustard969 · 07/06/2015 08:01

I wonder if something happened post birth? If you seemed judgemental in any way, that would be hard for her to take while vulnerable

confusedandemployed · 07/06/2015 08:05

I find it extraordinary how so many people on this thread seem to think being a mum is an excuse for rudeness. In your shoes OP I'd have given it up as a bad job by now.

That said, your opening post is a bit intense and I agree with the advice that maybe you should tone it down a bit.

debbriana · 07/06/2015 09:52

I thought the role of a godparent was to buy gifts and babysit. Also offer spiritual guidance and morals. Other than you don't have much grounds for parenting her child.
You are taking this godparenting toke too seriously. Yes you can leave something for them in your will.

Please back off a little bit. Be a friend not the third parent.

sunbathe · 07/06/2015 09:58

Your friend may feel that you're more interested in her baby than her.

That can be a bitter pill to swallow. My mother did/does it to me.

Bishopston · 07/06/2015 11:27

MrsTedCrilly - you sound EXACTLY like me with your attitude re your weight!

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/06/2015 11:31

There is a reason op's friend is behaving as she is and I'm sorry but op seems to be lacking the self awareness to understand that she has likely been massively too full on.

I've kept a friend of mine at arms length during my pregnancy because she has been way too intense. Not at all my friends, just one.

Joolsy · 07/06/2015 11:38

I don't think you're taking the godparent thing too seriously.She's your best friend so of course you're going to be excited about the baby. Seems to me like you were almost like sisters, and if she has time to respond to others online, she has time to speak to you. You should ask her about it. Maybe she doesn't appreciate how much you are interested in the baby. She might assume, as you don't have kids yourself, you won't be particularly interested.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 07/06/2015 11:42

To be honest I would want to put a bit of space between myself and someone who had plans for my baby. In fact it would freak me out.

I agree, tone it down a bit.

prorsum · 07/06/2015 11:43

I'd step away. She's in the world of mums and babies now and that can be quite a closed circle if your not part of the clan. I do think she's been insensitive though.

You may find she picks you up again when the boredom of motherhood sets in, when being around babies and talking about babies drives her up the wall and she wants to get away from it. That's part of motherhood too. You can decide whether or not you want to resume the relationship.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 07/06/2015 11:55

I wouldn't have let anyone take my pfb swimming. I'm much more relaxed with ds2 but looking back, if I had an intense friend who kept suggesting things they could do with my pfb (that gave me even more anxiety than you already have as a new mum) I'd avoid them. It's very hard to say no and sound reasonable when the request is giving you horrific internal imagery of you slipping onto a hardtiled floor while carrying pfb, pfb drowning etc...so you just avoid...especially someone who isn't a parent yet and doesn't understand the new and massive amount of anxiety that comes with the first baby.

SaucyJack · 07/06/2015 12:05

Yes, she is rude. But it's something that can be a normal part of new motherhood.

I have old friends that I've avoided in the past year because I quite simply don't really have anything (non-baby) to talk to them about, and if I'm honest I'm not that interested in hearing them blithering on about themselves.

The first year of having a baby can be all-consuming. Give her a bit of space and wait for her to come out the other side.

awombwithaview · 07/06/2015 12:18

I think something may be going on with your friend and you just need to ask her outright. I had two kids very close together and I suffered with depression and felt overwhelmed. The problem is things will never be the same for your friendship - the reason for this is because her baby is her priority and she is no longer carefree. Pre-kids I used to watch all my friends and colleagues 'change' when they had a baby and was really aware of how women do change hugely once they become a mum....post-kids I now see how exhausting and hard it is to juggle it all. You never get out of mum mode even when you have a break from them, they are always occupying your thoughts when they are young, it's just nature. I still forget to reply to texts for 24 hours or more, sometimes 3 days - I never used to do that! I found it so irritating when friends used to do it to me, but I get it now. You read it, mean to reply, then baby needs something ...or ten things...you need to go out...and it just doesn't get back into your brain. Literally.

The other thing is her headspace is probably full and she may read your texts and just not be able to put down a comprehensive reply if they are long or ask too many questions.

I imagine she can't cope with anything intense right now and your friendship sounds very intense as a whole, having initials tattooed etc is very intense. The other thing is her partner - where is he in all of this? It may be that he feels protective of her and their baby and doesn't want anyone intensely occupying 'his' space either....I say this because my sister had a best friend and their relationship was so intense it was like a marriage, she really felt she owned my sister and when my sister got married she was very jealous (even she herself was married) and didn't want the husband coming to things etc. The friendship ended and it was very sad but the friendship was way too intense for two women who were married my sister's husband was getting pushed out.

I think backing off a bit would help but I am sad for you OP as you had a very close friendship and its painful for you to feel rejected in this way but I can see this from both sides and your friend is probably only coping with her family and superficial stuff like facebook right now.

Take care.

Andcake · 07/06/2015 12:21

Good friendships go through peaks and troughs.
You are a bit intense but at the same time up it friend is a new mum probably with morning sickness for a 2nd child.

I think you need to move on but stay in some contact

eyebags63 · 07/06/2015 12:24

OP you sound oddly intense... .having each other's initials tattooed just sounds a bit weird to me as well.

Having said that she does sound like she is in the process of 'defriending' you. Perhaps as others have suggested she is turning into one of those types that only wants to mix with other mums now she has a baby.

I don't think there is anything you can do apart from back off and see if she gets in touch.

ImSoCoolNow · 07/06/2015 12:26

YABU!!!! She's just had a child. You have no idea how much hard work this is! Maybe she finds you to be quite intense as I'm getting that vibe from your post.

Contact her and tell her you miss her. If she still has no interest then maybe it's best you give her some space. Having a child is a definite game changer and just because she hasn't been there, doesn't mean she doesn't care. Give her a break

alsmutko · 07/06/2015 12:46

Less than a week after having my DD I found time,somehow, to go out & get one of my best friends a card & pressie for her birthday. Her DD is about 9 months older than mine, so I reckoned she must be able to do the same when it was my birthday. But no. It didn't happen and contact was very one-sided.
I later discovered, about a year later in fact when her bastard husband 'banned' her from taking her DD to my DD's first birthday party, that not only had she been suffering from PND but also that he was being abusive. She was very good at covering "oh DD accidentally punched me in the eye" that sort of thing. Glad to say he's now out of the picture.
Now I'm not saying there's something similar going on here (and she's pregnant again you say?) but it's worth considering that there may be something - a bit of PND maybe?
As to my friend, well we're not as close as we used to be (we were flat-sharers for a couple of years) but we're glad to see each other when we do. People change and we have to accept that, make new friends, but still keep the lines of communication open where possible.

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