Aibu/overly sensitive

[Sampot]

I have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for the past 3 years. Have a combination of early onset menopause, endo and pcos.

Concerns my friend. Been mates since school. Saw her last night and she asked "how is the children thing going?". I said there was still no progress but still receiving progress. She told me all about her friend with endometriosis who apparently "gets pregnant the first try" etc. never mind that. She then said: "why don't you just adopt?" I said it wasn't quite that simple and I want our baby and I'm not ready to consider that's she said "that's weird, I would definitely adopt. What could be better than giving a home to a deserving child".

I could have killed her but kept it together but wish I'd said something now.

She and I used to be close but she started to become occasionally nasty when I married my husband and now always tells me how she can't think of anything worse than being married because she "likes drama too much and gets bored". It's like she's living on another planet these days. I shouldn't care but her nonchalance about something which is such a major thing in our lives has really knocked me for six. Should I say something?

**can I add that I don't mean to cause hurt or offence regarding adoption. I am just not ready to consider that yet. I no way consider adopting a child to be second best.

She is no friend, Sam.

I am gonna say Get Rid.

I wouldn't say anything to her unless she says something again, but I wouldnt spare much of my time being around her anymore.
I think a lot of people say things like 'Why don't you just adopt?' And 'so and so got pregnant first time' either because they think they are being helpful/giving stories of hope, but your friend does sound insensitive and I think what she said would upset me too if I were you.

She then said: "why don't you just adopt?" I said it wasn't quite that simple and I want our baby and I'm not ready to consider that's she said "that's weird, I would definitely adopt. What could be better than giving a home to a deserving child

Such a ridiculous attitude that I see all the time.

I always wanted children...I have two biological children. If I couldn't have had children then no way would I adopt...it would never be for me. There's nothing wrong with that. Most people have a need to have biological children...its a very natural instinct.

I do think that someone who is not in the position of having to consider adoption because of fertility problems may see it as a very 'simple' solution to the problem of not being able to conceive. There is a misconception that there are thousands of adorable babies just waiting for a nice couple to come along and take them home, which might seem idyllic if you have never actually looked into the process at all and aren't aware of the difficulties that people face.

She sounds naive and immature in her attitudes but I can sort of see how she thinks she might be helping or at least having a 'positive' attitude towards your situation, especially if she is a long way off feeling ready for a settled relationship and children herself.

Unless you suspect she is wilfully misunderstanding or being deliberately cruel, I would assume that it is lack of understanding of your situation that leads her to say such unhelpful things. That's not to say you have to put up with it - you are clearly at very different stages in your lives, so if you have grown apart and find that you have little in common, I don't think it would be unreasonable to limit your contact with her - she doesn't sound like she brings much more than frustration to your life.

The adoption process is as if, if not rougher than the IVF process. I've seen couples left broken by both. Certain subjects if you haven't been there you just listen and stfu. Fertility issues is one of them.

I hope things work out for you. I would pull back from the friend personally.

She is not a friend. She sounds quite selfish and self centred. You said you noticed a change in her since you got married, it might be time to consider cutting her out.

Its a shame when this happens with friends, especially if you have known them a long time. But you need people in your life right now who are going to support you no matter what.

I can't understand the people who say to long time ttc couples 'my friend/sister/colleague fell pregnant first time' that doesnt help at all because you are still not pregnant!

I however DO have a very close friend who tried to conceive for three years. She took evening primrose and starflower oil and successfully conceived her son soon after. I hope this doesn't over step the mark op, I'm sure you have been trying everything but just wanted to maybe offer something useful.

I really hope you get your wish soon, and have a lovely healthy baby of your own don't give up hope x

Point her towards the adoption board on here to see how easy it is to "just adopt"

You are definitely not being unreasonable. She sounds rather silly and naive in her attitude. I wouldn't bother entering into any discussion with her about how she has hurt your feelings, I don't think she'd get it.
I wouldn't be investing any more time in the friendship though. If you are not matched in emotional maturity it is likely to continue to be painful.
I hope things work out for you.

She sounds very immature - to put it nicely.
If I was your friend I'd have said something along the lines of "I'm so sorry." and then given you a hug.

Find a new friend.