To avoid play dates with this friend

[Softfriend]

I have a friend who I really respect and like but just can't handle her when she's with her child

She is so soft with him. I am quite gentle in my parenting approach but this is another level.
Things like would you like to put your shoes on...... He says no. I've suggested she removes the choice option when there isnt one... Eg time to put your shoes on now. We are going out. This is a tiny example but there have been many many times where if he doesn't want to do anything she doesn't make him. Excuses for his behaviour all the time. Then everyone has to change their plans to accommodate him. Im a huge believer in pick your battles wisely but she puts no boundaries in place.

My child is younger by several months but is already noticing and commenting that they don't want to play with her child. He's not particularly nice to other children. Won't share or alter his way of playing in any way.

Ive avoided play dates recently but after an incident at a paid for activity, where his tantrums spoilt the activity for every child participating I'm really struggling to bite my tongue further especially as its going to be a weekly reoccurance!

Mrsdevere we get a lot of the blaming other children for her child's behaviour too. Oohhh did you bite/ hit x because they upset you?
Whereas I'm more a stop You do not bite/hit you use words to explain how your feeling.

I'm getting a bit cross now as can see ive enabled her through my silence!

Tryharder my children normally can find common ground with most children thanks. However when the other child is unwilling and wants it all their own way then I don't blame them for moaning they don't want to go back. They certainly are PFB nor are they controlling of my friendships. Some assumption there. Couldn't be further than the truth. In fact perhaps its time I prioritised their wishes and feelings instead of subjecting them to stressful ruined days put.

I just feel bad because a few years ago people probably distanced themselves from my older son due to his issues around his behaviour. I do know what it's like but I also deal with it not avoided it!

Paid for activity coming up again. I'm dreading it. She will look to me for support yet still blindly blame every other reason except her response to it. I just want to focus on watching my own child's achievements not get involved yet she'll try and draw me in. I can't escape either. Its small. Not going isn't an option either.

Teach your dcs to speak up and walk away. "I will not play with you if you hit/bite." That's what they do at school and it works.

I assume the children are still very very little. Not everybody learns how to share at the same time.

If you say something she will inevitably go in to 'defence' mode and critique your parental techniques. Be prepared to hear that you are quite strict, or too formal. People do not like their children being criticised in my experience, however 'reasonable' they appear over other aspects of their life. Of course hitting, biting is wrong and you cannot justify it but some children are very good at teasing others verbally and I've noticed that the level of unkind behaviour is often overlooked. Maybe she finds it incredibly stressful to be with you as you're so seemingly 'in control'. That can make people nervous and respond inappropriately.

Is there a supervisor at this activity? Maybe they could be an avenue to explore in terms of reducing the negative impact this child has on the event?

I'm going to speak to instructor. Its not as simple as my child moving away from her child. Its not a sharing issue at activity. That's play dates which I'm avoiding.

I'm not strict or in control. I'm just responsive and put boundaries and expectations in place. I'm quite easy going really!

My children don't always response to boundaries either but at least I try!

What age do you expect full blown tantrums at every single negative to stop?

I have a friend like yours. Her child is a total pain in the arse and she doesn't do anything about it. I am fed up of my child being pushed, hit and smacked in the face with objects without admonishment. I am limiting the time we spend together and trying to do playdates at parks so there is more space to distance the children.

Not going's always an option unless there's a gun at your head. Life's too short to be suffering the outcome of someone else's ineffectual parenting. It's enough to concentrate on your own children and your own child rearing choices.

Just tell the mother that your kids aren't getting on so well atm so you're knocking on the head any activities where they'll meet for ever a while but that you'd 'love to meet up with her for a drink one evening, how about Friday next week?'. That gives a definite indication that you're not dropping her completely but relieves you of having to put up with her child.

We've paid up til end of term and I was the one who created the opportunity for my child as there are no other local opportunities. Cryptic I know sorry. I'll be annoyed if we have to stop going.

Theanswerisyes what does your friend do! Completely ignore or make excuses?